Good Morning

by Hibiscus

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published July 1, 2011

In Poems

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Spoiler! :
I never know where to put my poems... Lol...

Can somebody review, please? I don't even care if it's a critique and pointing out all my mistakes. I wanna know what I need to do to make it better then.

The first line of this poem has been edited.

I watch the hot storm in the afternoon, where
the ground is steaming like my grandmother's cooking. I
inhale the warm raindrops, and like bread baking
it is stuffy and full.
Every pitter and patter of the rain
reminds me of my father's typewriter keys
in the early morning dark. He was a
magician. Every sound he was converting-
the pa of a k, and the stuck psh of the s-
into words and wonders.
I used to knock my budding toes
and drum-roll them across the desk side
in preparation for the sun.
My father's fingers would mindlessly
wave at my feet,
as if he heard more than the simple da-dump they were creating.
My body, tucked into a ball- an imitation
of the blooming star rising over a window sill horizon-
would stop
and stare.
It was then, finally, that my father would
resign from the rainwater keys
and stop and stare
with me.
And in those hot minutes of the morning, where
the ground would seem to waver like tides
in greeting to the sky flower, we would sit,
comfortable and full.

Comments & reviews · 4
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lele253isme
Comment
lele253isme commented Comment · Jul 28, 2011

i loved reading this, really. The imagery, and I love imagery, was simply great to see. I could picture the sun and the rain, and that's a very good thing for an author or writer to make a reader do. Lovely poem, keep writing!!!!

User avatar
Griffinkeeper
Review
Griffinkeeper wrote a review Review · Jul 1, 2011

I rather liked this poem. It made me feel very nostalgic even though I had absolutely no memory to be nostalgic about. The line about the grandmothers cooking must have done that, even though you were talking about the storm.

Every sound he was converting-
the pa of a k, and the stuck psh of the s-
into words and wonders.


I liked this part because I was able to hear the difference. It was a nice touch.

I am a little confused about the story itself. Is it about the narrator watching a hot summer storm? Or is it about the narrator hanging out with her dad? Or maybe it is the narrator hanging out with her dad during a hot summer storm?

All in all though, it's worth a like.

User avatar
KelsRich1
Review
KelsRich1 wrote a review Review · Jul 1, 2011

I liked this poem. I liked how you compared the storm to baking and typewriting. I also like how you used caesura and enjambment throughout the poem. It made the flow really nice. I'm pretty sure there were no grammatical errors but I could have missed one or two. Also, the very beginning seemed kind of off to me. The first line seemed a little weird. Maybe you could mention the storm in a different way, besides just telling the readers about it. Or you could rephrase it a little to make it less awkward. Storms like that don't just happen once right? So maybe you could say "sometimes there are storms hot in the afternoon" or something similar. That way it doesn't seem like you're telling us that it only happened once. You don't have to change it, it's just a suggestion. Anyway it was a really good poem and I really enjoyed it. :)

-Kels :D



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