Letting Go For You, of You

Heya! So,I thought this was an interesting poem. The words all flowed together beautifully, and you used some great language. Overall, I'm afraid to say that I didn't really understand this completely. Of course, only the author really needs to understand their work (in general). However, If there's a specific meaning behind this, I think you could clear it up.

You're a glance, and then a young blink. #FF0000 ">(a young blink...?)
Will I get to keep, to catch you? #FF0000 ">(Personally, I think that if you add the word 'you' after 'keep', this will sound even better)
Today's a flickering cinema that's escorting you
elsewhere, #0000BF ">who knows where? #FF0000 ">(I suggest getting rid of the blue part)
Maybe I should present you both sides.
Maybe then you'd settle, you'd pause.
Then again, I'll give you my wings.#FF0000 ">(Then again? Do you mean this has happened before, or is the narrator contradicting an earlier thought?)
I will no longer weigh you down.

You're a breath, and then a scant tide.
How about I spare you, free you?#FF0000 ">('How about' is very casual wording, and this poem isn't written casually.)
This is the hollow prick and throe that frame#FF0000 ">s me
to recognize, to actualize.#FF0000 ">(I really don't understand this line at all)
I know that I never submerge too deep.
I know then you'd rift, you'd withdraw.
So again, I'll give you my succor, #FF0000 ">(succor... that word seems misused here)
and I will no longer sway you back.

So, yup! Those are my edits/nitpicks/suggestions. Keep writing!

-Dreamy

Hey Hibiscus. ^_^ I'm Evi. First of all, I'd reverse the title to Letting Go of You, for You, but that's a personal preference. This is a bit of an overdone idea (I love you but I need to let you go), but there's not much I can tell you on that front. Just try to come up with a more original theme next time?

elsewhere, who knows where?

The "who knows where" part is a clichéd phrase, and empty, like you just need something else to fill that line. Come up with something more original to describe the narrator's feelings towards this "elsewhere".

Then again, I'll give you my wings.
I will no longer weigh you down.

This seemed a bit abrupt. You're talking about blinking, glimpsing, the cinema, and all of those images are about the narrator wanting to keep this person-- but then you suddenly transition to letting them go. Why does the narrator think they're weighing this person down? How do they feel about catching that glimpse and then having to set them free?

So again, I'll give you my succor
and I will no longer sway you back.

"Succor" is a weird synonym for help, and "sway" is an odd choice of verb for this. These lines sort of feel like you just broke out the thesaurus not to sound repetitive, and so you used some obscure words that don't match the meanings as well.

Basically, my main issue with this is that your two ideas and frames of mind don't connect. On one side you're saying, "Stay with me, maybe if I can do this I can get you to stay" but on the other side you're saying, "I'm only weighing you down, let me free you". However, these two ideas never really meet in the middle, and so I can't figure out why the narrator feels that they're only a hindrance to this person. "I know that I never submerge too deep"-- that should be a good thing, yes, so why would it push this person away? If you want to start building on the conflict of their relationship, consider changing it to, "I know that I never submerge deep enough".

So, just work on connecting the conflict here. S/he wants to be with him/her, but feels that s/he is only holding him/her back-- why? How do they justify that feeling? Once you work out the relationship and driving problem here, you can work on using some more imagery and metaphors to make the words more aesthetically pleasing, and then you'll have a nice poem!

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

Hibiscus wrote:You're a glance,andthen a young blink.
Will I get to keep #FF0000 ">you, tocatch you?
Today's a flickering cinema that's escorting you #0000BF ">Nice line
elsewhere, who knows where? #0000BF ">Huh?
Maybe I should present you both sides.
Maybe then you'd settle, you'd pause.
Then again, I'll give you my wings.
I will no longer weigh you down.

You're a breath, andthen a scant tide.
How about I spare you, free you?
This is the hollow prick and throe that frame me
to recognize, to actualize.
I know that I never submerge too deep.
I know then you'd rift, you'd withdraw.
So again, I'll give you my succor,
and I will no longer sway you back.

This a great poem. I absolutely adored it! I like how you kept the same kind of format for both verses (line, question, line, a To line etc...) I think you have really captured how people can feel about others, wanting them to much and others not so much. I bet many people can relate to this.

Lavvi