Come on over little pale
girl in your pretty pink dress and
tell me about your baby, your
coffee colored child
I haven’t seen you smile
since your momma tore your stitches,
so I’d like to know you for a while.
little pretty fledgling
I see you in the sky going up and
down here stays your petite dream.
come on over young ashen
adolescent in your frayed shoes and
tell me about your story, your
thoroughly tattered tragedy
I haven’t seen you so happily
laughing since you found out how to dream.
(Pleeeeeeeeease do not comment on the punctuation. The punctuation was done on purpose as to create the feeling and flow I wanted in the poem and I do not want it to be changed. However, I would like critique and comments of the other aspects of the poem.)
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139,494 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
I really like how you did the line breaks in this poem. Also, I think this poem flows smoothly and is, as StoryWeaver13 said, somewhat delicate while innocent and pure.
I also really like this ending. It just seems like you found the best words to fit together to make the poem end strongly without getting sloppy as it ended.
Good work!
Overall I thought this was good; there was something about it very...delicate about it that gave it a sense of innocence and purity. My main problem lies in this line:
'Petite dream?' That seems a little odd to me. But anyway, this poem really wasn't half-bad, and I really liked the underlying emotions of honesty and purity within it.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver