She is sun-blazed and
peels open her eyes
like the skin off grapes.
She is a maestro
in her movements,
and beckons me
to sit with her,
as if I am a tune.
She instructs me to
button up my eyes.
Soon she’s murmuring away,
and I want to look at her
but I don’t.
Now I rely so much more
on my ears,
and her.
She says
I don’t need to worry
that my mother
doesn’t understand.
Her pleasantly warm fingers
trace my bowing lips,
and I do the same in return.
We are comfortable
even after I’ve opened my eyes.
The sun is hot
and the fiery flowers
arch and tremble
in their sendoff of the sun.
She is star-stuffed
and wraps her hand around mine,
like the skin on grapes.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey Hibiscus,
This is such a beautiful poem! I really felt the emotion and feeling in it. Was this a poem about coming out? Because it felt like that's what you were talking about. Anyway, it flowed ever so gently and smoothly. I didn't at all mind the fact that it wasn't put into stanzas. It's a totally soft, smooth poem. It's not hard to read, and it has a deeper message and story that is expressed.
I loved it! Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
Hey Hi! (Ahh I'm so punny) Hope here to review!
So I had a little trouble with the opening line, first thing I thought was that the blazing sun was peeling her eyes open? and I had to read it a few times to iron out my confusion. So maybe try rewording it to something like-Well first off, great poem, you did an awesome job with this.
I got immediately what it was about, you gave good visuals, your tone was great, and I love how you brought it full circle with the grapes thing. All the things I LOVE to see in poetry, big pat on the back for you. Now a few little things okay? Okay.
"Sun-blazed
She peels open her eyes,
like the skin of grapes."
Also I tend to find poems more powerful when the stanzas are separated. It gives the reader's brain a definite idea of flow, and packs more of a punch when you're reading it. So try formatting it in separate stanzas
So, I liked it, I thought it was good, and hope I helped a little!
Good luck and keep writing!
~Hope
This poem is lovely. Beautifully written, peaceful flowing and cute (for want of a better word).
I really like what you've done with warmth :
All of the above create a beautiful scenery in the readers mind and express the 'comfort' suggested in the poem
Your message is clear but subtle, I loved it.