blistering sun that blisters my skin
or maybe just the sweat in which
my feet slide with a
frictionless grace
I am slow and burning
expecting every particle within me
to vaporize or be lit a-flame
so that I may rage out,
"how much longer!?"
beating the ground
to know how long
bones reaching to know how far
and understanding
that if I
could see the finish
I could run
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
I agree with the revisions of a previous reviewer. But overall it was good. My favorite stanza would have to be,
I know how it feels like to be slowly burning in the sun, I've gardened for about five hours in the sun when I was younger. I've also had about the same thing at my mom on many occasions like going to a fair or festival where you have to walk all the way back to the food court and such. But this poem was very relate able. Keep writing!
Hello!
Honestly, this surprised me very much. I saw the title and I was ready to read something cliché and boring, but no! This was lovely, definitely. The flow was very nicely executed, and the wording made me want to continue reading.
There were a few nit-picks though that I'd like to point out. As the reviewer above the repetition of 'blistering/blisters' turned me off a bit. I suggest putting another verb in. Also, after reading the poem a second time, the first stanza felt unfinished to me, like there was something missing. Maybe it was just me, but try reading it again?
The exclamation of that quoted question ("how much longer") felt too strong for me, with the exclamation point. I honestly do believe an exclamation point is one big mistake in a poem, but. Just a little side note.
I loved the end. Just loved it. Though the word 'finish' bothered me a little, I went past that. Overall, nicely done! Good work ;D
- Kat
I assume this is about long distance running eh? in that case I can relate to this as I used to do cross country runnning and I know exactly the kind of thing your are trying to get across, I liked the imagery of feeling that if you knew how far you had to go, you would have the drive to finish.
Just a few little nitpicks
blistering sun that blisters my skin. repition of blistering/blister this was probably intentional but I personally think you could reword it better.
also I would put this
that if I
could see the finish
on one line, it flows better
apart from these few things I really liked it, short and sweet