Where would you turn up a song?
Like Baby on the sea.
Except the sky is black today-
Baby’s eye transfixed on me.
I pity what knows the sun once a day.
Like the well that is dry.
Unlike Baby’s black-coal iris...
the well cannot cry.
Where would you turn up a song?
Like Baby on the land.
Bending protectors everywhere-
always lend Baby their hand.
I pity what knows the sense in hate.
Like Angel with one beat.
Unlike Baby, who always looks up,
Angel sees only feet.
Where would you turn up a song?
Like Baby on the sky.
Night and day would always pass
Baby’s one black eye.
Where would you turn up a song?
(Just an odd poem... I wrote, lol.)
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,795 Reviews
I like the repetition and the flow of this poem.
This is my favorite stanza of the poem. I don't really know why it's my favorite, I just like it a lot.
This is the only stanza in which there is something I think you should change. "One black eye" sounds like an injury, and the "one" part is a little strange. I think putting "two" would make this part clearer, though it would throw off the nice rhyming pattern you have there. The last line, "Where would you turn up a song?" seems like it doesn't need to be repeated again at the end. Just my opinion.
Good work!
i love the metephors in this it really captures the reader and i love the ryming because its there but not to much my favorite parts ive highlighted in purple