Brother,
what familiar colors
we are.
We risked, picked up thir-
teen lives
and in two parts,
we rose our hands
into lonely, fevered fists.
Brother,
here sits a
blue ocean bridge.
It shakes us into ditches,
arranges us onto white sands-
bloody white sands-
and makes us rain.
Brother,
My hands are boxed and
wrapped, but I see
uses in marching them
to capture your finger tips.
May I deposit them
with yours?
And will they hold
one another?
Brother,
I am youthful,
not seasoned, nor accustomed
like you.
But see
what familiar colors
we are.
And know,
what union I will be
taking with me
when I betray you.
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139,494 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
I just wanted to state, that I think I really love this poem.
The way you describe everything, the words you chose, the way you write. Just everything about it, is fantastic! I pictured everything clearly.
I'm surprised not many people commented on this, because it's probably one of the better posts I've read on here so far.
But please, keep writing!
Hey there! This was a really sound, grammatically correct poem that I enjoyed reading. I really liked the opening line! It's what drew me in to keep reading, so nice job on that hook. I really enjoy the last set of lines too. It was a very strong ending that left an impression.
My only comment would be on this stanza:
The hyphenated thirteen really breaks up the flow of the first paragraph, and since it is the first paragraph and you want to draw readers on, it'd be nice if you found a way to fix that. Since poetry is read from punctuation mark to punctuation mark, the hyphen forces the reader into a pointless and jerky stop.
Sorry to dwell on that one spot, but that's really my only advice! Nice writing:)
Well, I read through it a few times, it was entertaining, but I didn't get it. You wording was fine and so was your punctuation, like I got the poem, but at the same time I couldn't see the big picture, I got your general conceits, but I couldn't make a whole lot out of it. Either way, well done. Keep Writing!