All they told me was
it had been a car.
Said, “Today’s the day.”
And fashioned me
from your skin.
At first I was milk-white,
like fog hovering
over a gray and desolated earth.
Yet day by day the sun
quickly taught us to be peach.
I grew up to match you,
and would sometimes spread
my joints up-up and away;
in some smiling gesture
or crazy seizure of happiness.
We weren’t even different,
I felt that was a fact.
As clear as a fog-less earth...!
But people didn’t look at us
like we were the same.
I really don’t quite
fully understand it myself,
I only know that
wrapping myself around you
was the most I could do.
Quite useless I was,
and you seemed to catch on.
Said, “Today’s the day;
you don’t do me any good.”
And tried to un-fashion me.
What good am I,
to only litter the ground
with evidence?
I know how heavy feathers can be
when gathered up as one.
“Heavier than rocks.”
I know that’s what you called me.
Just a parasite
feeding off your carved-out bones-
like pumpkin shells.
Where were the seeds?
The good stuff inside?
I fought to stay with you.
“Just explain to me;
why is there not even a candle?”
We weren’t even unalike,
I felt that was a truth.
As clear as a cloud-less sky...!
But people didn’t look at us
like we were even similar.
All they told me was
it had been a car.
Said, “Today’s the last day.”
And seized me
from your life.
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Hiya, Hibiscus! You reviewed something of mine, and I thought I'd return the favour.
but perhaps that's just me.
Firstly, I very much liked this. Even though the emotions were subtly shown, I could feel them coursing through this piece. It was powerful, very powerful.
I have to agree with Emalily, however - I wasn't sure what this was about. I wasn't even sure who your characters were. The two differing, confused conclusions I drew were: 1 - that your MC died in a car crash, or 2 - that this is based on something else you've written - a novel, maybe? - and is something to do with this girl being taken away from ... her mother? Her friend?
Apart from that, I enjoyed this greatly.I loved your phrasing and your usage of words: everything flowed beautifully and had some kind of eerie charm, laced with something like danger, that made me want to keep reading. I kept thinking that everything would clear up at the end, however, and then when it wasn't very clearly explained I felt a bit confused
Overall, a very good poem. I think it was just the right length, and I certainly did not find it boring. Keep writing, my friend, I sense talent!
God bless,
Ignis
I think I like it, but I'm not sure I understand it. Obviously you do though, an despite my ignorance I like the words you have used.
