I used to have a big bite,
but now all I can do is wheeze.
My lungs are old,
and feel like raisins.
And I am the skin to
dry in the sun.
I used to have a big brain,
but now all I can do is dream.
My thoughts are repeating,
and aren’t of much use.
And I am the box
to hold it all in.
I used to have a big appetite,
but now all I can do is starve.
My body is not
what it used to be of course,
and I am the tank
that remains near empty.
I used to have a big heart,
but now all I think about is myself.
My blood does not pump
as quickly as it could,
and my generosity is not as
frequent as it could be.
I used to have a big life,
but now it’s only pocket sized.
My days do not pass,
they merge into one,
and I don’t know when
they will
stop.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey! That was raelly wonderful imagery, i enjoyed reading it and i ESPECIALLY enjoyed the not precise use of punctuation. I love it when punctuation is all over the place that made me find it all far more interesting then I would have otherwise. The topic is very interesting and generally I think you're a very talented writer. I would say it gets a little repetative but it also brings across what you want to describe very very clearly so I think you've done an excellent job here.
Good luck with everything else you do!
Anna
Hey!
Great imagery, but I find myself agreeing with Coral. I wonder what your purpose is in writing this poem. Is it meant to tell of the dangers of aging? It seems to me that you're describing without a deeper purpose than just describing what it's like to be old. What's the deeper meaning? It's possible that it's there and I'm not looking for it diligently enough.
Also:
The "can"s are rather clunky. They disrupt the flow of the poem. I feel if you just got rid of them, it would help the flow of your poem.
-Lette
Hi there-
So, I thought this was good- great imagery and descriptions. However, I found it a bit repetitive. It seemed to describe growing old very well, but seemed bland to me at the same time. Perhaps try changing up the format in which you described it. I think that structural repetition can be nice, but when it makes up the whole of the poem, it feels too uniform. I dunno. Just my thoughts.
Anywho- great piece altogether. Perhaps some more metaphors or just not-literal descriptions altogether might beef it up.
Either- nice write.
-Coral-