Thin peach ice cream summer
came swooping north from the south like blue jays.
I inhaled peppered pink burgers,
over loaded with warm, viscid cheese that clustered my nostrils.
Kids dripped onto the pavement;
syrup melting popsicles in the microwaved heat.
I stretched out my arms to both sides,
and let wet, apple red poppy fields tickle loosely against my legs.
Dead beat skies still sparkled blue and silver,
like her eyes when she wept honey, joy filled tears.
I watched my golden mother walk away like evanescence;
a kinetically yellow charged spark that didn't look back.
Not one peppermint, longing glance did ever make its way back...
but she told me she loves me...
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hello there
. I just loved this poem. It was very creative. The imagery, the flow was just perfect. It was very interesting the way you approached the topic, definitely something different alright. The way you used food in your similes was just genius
Wow, I give this one a smile
I loved this part more especially.
Nice one!
Hey!
Okay, I liked this. The ending concept was very effective, and you've really put a lot of effort into creating a scene which your reader can imagine. And you've described it wonderfully.
The trouble is, that's all you've done - described it. And I can see the scene, but I see it as if I'm watching it on TV, rather than actually being right there in the moment. I think this is because of the somewhat broken nature of the descriptions, which might be much better if you look at sentence structure, and punctuate throughout the lines. There's something in your wording that doesn't quite feel right somehow, and it kind of pulled me out of the moment.
The other thing I wanted to talk about here is your ending. First of all - the concept is perfect for the poem. But again, it could be worded better.
You've over-used the ellipsis here, I think. I have a horrible habit of doing that, to a much bigger extent than you have here, and while sometimes it really works, here you've done more to pull me out. I'm not going to attempt to rewrite your ending, but a little rewording might really emphasise the emotions of your narrator and help the ending to hit home.
Other than that, I quite like the poem, and I hope that with the changes I've suggested you can make it even better. I hope I helped, and if there's anything I can do to further help you out, don't hesitate to PM me and I'll be glad to lend a hand.
~Grin