This book is no longer available for viewing here because it has been published! Click the link below to check it out!
E-book:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/sara-e-tall/alpha-misfits...
Paperback:
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Chapter 29: The FacilityPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Like, literally. If you remove these chapters, I will slaughter you like the Legion did the rebellers.
No! Keep these chapters in! Bro! They are so necessary! It's perfect! Don't remove them! Don't do it!
Don't worry, I added some things and took somethings away, but these chapters are still here. xD
-huge sigh of relief- okay. ok. then disregard my most recent comment.
By the way. THIS CHAPTER WAS. SO. GOOD. AND. INTENSE. AND I ALMOST DIED. AGAIN.
Hello, Artemis! Wolf here for a review.
Lucian D: No! For a second there I swore he was dead. And I wouldn't have been surprised if he was dead either. It would've been the perfect plot twist. Then he would've rose from he dead and freaked Billie out, continuing the story like normal. (I can dream!)
Anyways, another great, great chapter here. Don't cut them. They flow very well, just I wish you would've added more detail what the festival was all about. Were there special events? I guess nothing too relevant since you didn't mention it, but it feels rather dull.
Another thing which I'm left wonder about is how did Billie suddenly get do good with magic? I guess I never really completely understood how this magic worked before, because every other time there was something to do with energy building and allowing a bridge to gap energy to the body, etc, etc. But now, Billie can do it without a second thought? I feel like that's a little strange. Plus, how do the powers work? It feels sort of like everyone has the same powers. How do the fey differ from anyone else? I guess Billie's not a fey and she's different, so her differences are harder to spot, but I'm curious.
And what the heck is up with Lucian? He's being so rude. Like, Billie's trying to help him out, and she obviously not leaving, so don't waste your breath and let the girl fight! Geez. Sorry about that.
Anyways, the tensions are really getting up there. It seems like not everyone is very pleases with how the Union's running things, and I'm curious to see more of what Lucian thinks, since he's not completely pro Union either. He wouldn't get Billie involved, but what's would he do? Only way to find out it so read. Once again, amazing job! Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Review day!!! Representing the green team!!!! Whohooo!!
Wow things are really heating up!!! Am I right????
*Sarcastically* Oh no. Lucian almost died. That would've been fine with ME. Man, is he being a jerk or what!! And you do a really good job of making us love him as a character bc I almost threw my iPod when he got trampled. And then I realized that that wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. Hunter getting trampled would be quite worse.
Was the chaotic opposite thing important?? Because it seems like one of those unnecessary things that you need to cut/shorten when you combine the chapters. Decide what things are the most important and keep those
Woah woah wait what just happened? I mean I know what happened but it happens all so fast. Like one minute they're sitting there and then they're running towards the... riot I think?
And the fight also seems a little unnecessary or just too long. Meh. Idk you seem to like your fight scenes so it's not that big of a deal. Just people can get bored of them, seeing that there's some fight every four chapters.
Ok I'm looking forward to reading more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! Good work as always.
This revieeeew waas brought to yooooouu in paaaart byy::::::::
Wicked Squids and other nonchalant evil ocean animal
hello there!
I have not read the other chapters in this series of yours, so I'm sorry if this isn't a very personal review. XD
Because of this, I also don't have too much to say about improving content.
You're very good at placing certain words in spots where they should be, and arranging phrases and thoughts. Overall a very good writer!
I love the aspect of magic in this story. A subject very dear to my heart and one I'm trying to master as well. You're very good at writing with it.
I, too, have used a character named Lucian, so I felt especially attached to him while reading this
Keep up the good work in this series! Sorry if I didn't have much to say about improvement...I enjoyed the read!
~iron.n
Howdy! Looks like my team's dropping back a bit so I thought maybe I'd do one more. I may be a bit old and rusty but I've never been one to go down without a fight
Specifics
1.
It's not a hard and set rule, but starting a sentence with a conjunction like 'and' or 'but' is generally frowned upon. You can get away with one or two through a piece of writing but in this paragraph you've got two in a row and it really stands out. I'd suggest losing at least one of them.
2. I'm not sure I like the part with the chaotic opposites - it seems a strange form of entertainment or performance art. It's kind of a cool concept but it feels really out of place in the festival format. I also think if you're going to keep it in, you might want to have a few other performances first so the reader understand that the different groups are creating scenes for the entertainment of the crowds. Then we'll be wondering if it's part of the entertainment or an attack.
3. Just a small thing, but I think a phoenix is generally described as having a beak so this threw me a bit.
4. Try not to end two lines in a row on the same word. The repetition of melody feels really bulky here - maybe replace one with song?
5. I think you need to introduce Selene into the scene earlier - I didn't know she was there until she screams at Lucian and Billie. It feels like she comes out of nowhere, or maybe I just didn't notice her introduction? If she's an important character, perhaps give her a line or two of dialogue early in the scene.
6. There's a few typos but I'll let you find them yourself - just me sure to have a good read through at some point to pick them up.
Overall
I like this chapter, better than the last one. The action is good, there's lots of fun magic and I'm loving the details of the different colours worn by the different factions and all the rivalries going on. Of course, I haven't read the rest of the novel so I'm not in a position to comment on whether it's a chapter you should keep or not. I don't know what the main plot is to say if this is too much of a detour.
What I think works well here is the balance of the three characters, particularly toward the end. There's a good range of personalities with Lucian clearly the most brave and likely to jump into a fight, while Selene tries to hang back and Billie is somewhere in the middle. I still feel you need to make it clearer early on that Selene is there, but other than that you've got a good bit of characterisation and plenty of action to keep us entertained. The phoenix being shot down was a nice trigger and the legion coming in at the end were perhaps overly brutal but suitably chilling.
Keep it up!
Heather xx