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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hello, Artemis! Wolf here for a review.
You're making this so much harder than it should be xD Of course this was a shorter part than the rest, but it was still great. I'm curious to find out more on what the witches didc, or why they did it. Sure they're upset with Billie, but she can't be the only reason, can she? The ending line from Thea is great, it gives us an ominous feeling.
So, I notice now that Thea and Iris are trying to include Billie more, and I recall last chapter that Billie said they were scared what would happen to them if they ignored her. It makes sense, but I can really feel it here.
Another thing is I notice there are a lot of characters, which of course makes sense because its an enormous school! But I'm really glad that we're getting more of a look into them. Of course Lucian we've been learning tons about, but Iris has never really spoke until recently, and Thea was a jerk. Just listening to them talk is nice, and it's interesting to hear their voices.
There's a lot of wondering for me right now. I'm wondering what Lucian's planning, what Artemis will do, what the heck is up with Sedna. You're doing a great job leading me along with enough bait that I don't lose interest, but not too much as I get bored. Sorry not much critique here, but your writing has improved so much. And there are asterisks! Yay! Anywho, onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Next review for this review day! Ugh I still have two chapters after this one.
But why didn't it hurt her? Is she not even fey?? I think she is some type of cross race!!! Like she's not really a fey but something else, something better.
This is kind of a filler chapter. It's great tho!!
I loved your new divider thing!!! Perfect. Just what you've needed for the past couple chapters.
*************** Haha
Oh no I remember she was drinking that "faerie elixir" not good.
Yep that's the theory.
Officially.
Ok so this was a short chapter so short review sorry. :/
This revieeeew waas brought to yoooou in paart byy::::
Wiiicked Squiiids andd company
Hey!
Needs a space after the full stop next to blink.I felt bad for knocking you off the first place, so I thought I'd give you a review to make up for it before I retire for the day.
Specifics
1. Lovely first sentence - it sets the scene well and gives us the character's current emotional state while also being a bit funny. Good job.
2.
3.
4. Typo - needs fixing.
5. Also an extra space after me.
6. Missing a space before 'You'. I'm going to stop picking up the typos now but make sure you do a read through at some point to find the rest.
7. Don't do this. A writer doesn't need cheap tricks to emphasise their words. If you really want it to stand out then put it in italics, but really try to avoid full caps. It's not professional.
Overall
There's a nice subtle flow to this and even though I've come in at the middle of the story, I was able to quickly pick up that it's a fantasy where magic is real and I didn't have any difficulty getting in to the action so good job there. I think I'd have liked to see more of Billie's feelings in the second part. She's very emotional in the first and we get a sense of how upset she is and her thoughts about her mother but then she finds out that some of the girls she knows have been injured - poisoned in fact - but hardly seems to care. I understand that she's tired but maybe we could at least see a little more internal anguish before she collapses on her bed.
A few more pieces of description might be nice as well. I loved the little details at the beginning about the corset and the slip, but after that you didn't really describe the location or what the other characters were wearing. Perhaps you established that in the previous chapter, but even if you did, it's nice to give reminders. Are the girls' gowns on the floor of the room in the second scene or hung up neatly on the wardrobe doors? Were they sitting up on their beds waiting for her to get back or did she wake them when opening the door?
Just a few more details would really help this piece come alive. Best of luck with your writing!
Heather xx