Chapter 11: The aftermath

Wasssuuuupp XD You can see how creative I'm trying to be... What will I be saying at chapter 40?? Scary thoughts.

"I stop walking, it’s Arthur." make this two sentences

"I’d slip into my room quietly, though it's one in the morning, I doubt she's up." 'slipped' and make 'I doubt she's up' it's own sentence.

“Get lost, princess?” I jump at the sound of her voice. The lights flick on. Artemis is sitting across from me, a small smile on her lips.

“What’s the matter? Nothing to say to me?” Make these two lines one paragraph

“You hexed me!” I shout while Thea shouts, “what did I tell you!” make what Billie and Thea say two separate paragraphs

"They must not want to be seen with me, and based on the way people are looking at me, they’ve got good reason too." comma before 'too'

“I’m sorry rusty.” He says, his voice cool, “You’ll have find your own table.” NO!! NOT SKY, TOO!!! -sobs- Capitalize 'Rusty' and put a comma before it

"But no one will give me an answer, I turn on Iris." put a so or an and before 'i turn'

“do you think you’re better than me? Is that it?” She shakes her head harder, “Well then what is it bug?” capitalize bug and put a comma before it

"It’s like my last day at Sandy brooks, only these people aren’t afraid of me." Capitalize Brooks

"I’m the girl without magic who’s still at the academy. The fluke. A mistake" it may be more powerful if the word before 'fluke' and 'mistake' are the same. personally, I'd make it 'the mistake'

"I’m forced to see him, forced to see how he, like everyone else, treats me like an insect in the pool, annoying, but not worth noticing, but it hurts more coming from him." put a colon after pool instead of a comma. it works better and reduces the amount of commas. Consider making 'but it hurts more coming from him' it's own sentence. It doesn't really fit there, and the sentence kind of rambles.

"she'll shout things like, “Hey rusty, just so you know, a spell is how you actually cast magic, just thought I’d help you keep up.”

“Hey rusty, is it true you have to hide from humans so they don’t burn you for being hideous freaks?”

“Is it true they put down misfits who don’t get adopted? I heard they can’t support all the kids that get sent there.” Make these three quotes all apart of the same paragraph putting words like 'or' and 'and' between

"But I can’t explain this to Arthur, so instead I shrug, dropping his gaze." Whoa. This was all what she was sorting through before answering Arthur?? That didn't come across to me at all. Either make that clearer at the beginning, or try to find a way to rearrange this chapter. Maybe keep the beginning the same but add something like 'I think of all the things that have happened that make me react this way.' Or move the whole conversation with Arthur to the end of the explanation of what's all going on. A good way to do that could be to explain her week, then have after that something like "So when Arthur finds me skipping class and asks me why I'm skipping, I just shrug." (obviously try and elaborate and get more in, but you get the jest."

Alright! Other than that I loved this chapter! AND YAY LUCIANS HER TUTOR NOW!!! But everyone hates her! It sucks! Her friends ditched her!!!!!! I can't believe how... quick to judgement these people are. Ugh, I can't stand people like that, and it seems Billie can't either.
And so we go!

Hello, Artemis, Wolf here for another review.

So this chapter seemed like yet another filler. Which isn't really a bad thing, but the beginning seemed kind of disoriented. I have a really hard time telling what is a flashback and what is actually happening in the present. Here's something I recommend, and you start off doing it, but drift back to the old way. Write the flashbacks in past sense, shocker I know. You start off doing it, but I guess old habits die hard and you go straight back to present tense making it seem like its actually happening. Thus making everything feel all abrupt when it suddenly switches back to what's happening in the present. Get what I mean?

You have absolutely no idea how happy I feel that Lucian is Billie's tutor! Seriously, the empathy link between me and Billie is crazy strong. You did, and still do, an awesome job of developing her into her own person, a real person at that. That's really good, because nobody likes a Mary Sue, or a perfect character. I can understand how she feels being rejected and seeking help, hoping others will be able to fix it for you, though a part of you knows that they can't fix your problems for you.

The feels, man, the feels! You kind of make this descend into a huge slump, completely tearing down Billie's confidence, then slowly trying to build it back up. She will prevail, but I like how you show that it will take /a lot/ of work to do it. I love all the realism. Anyways, onto the next chapter! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Hey! Aravis here to review! I saw this in the Green Room, and I came to save it! I will warn you that I have not read the other chapters, but PassionateReader is my sister and she explained to me the main plotline a few weeks ago.

I will start with the good stuff! Each character has a distinct personality that comes through even in just this one chapter. The way they say and do things that is unique for them characterizes them and makes them easier to imagine.
Now for the critiques. OK. How do I explain this? This whole chapter was confusing. The plot was a little confusing, but that's just because I haven't read the other chapters. Understandable. The confusing part was how this whole chapter was set up. She is talking to Arthur, then all this random stuff, then back to Arthur right at the end. What? If you want to have all that stuff in the middle as a flashback, which could work, it all needs to be in past tense and introduced as a flashback somehow. Speaking of tenses, you had many of your tenses confused. You mostly wrote in present, but then one random sentence would pop up in past or past participle (has or had done something).

Another thing. I'm a little confused on your main character. Is she shy or bold? Sometimes she seems very shy and out of place. Other times she seems like she has anger management issues. I guess you can have both, but the anger might be more inside than out.

One nitpick. You wrote:“Hey, what are you--“but I ignore him, thinking food as hard as I can." Did you misspell something? This doesn't make any sense to me?

Last thing. There is barely any description. What do the characters look like as the events are happening? What about smells and sounds? These are the things that brings readers more into the story.

Keep writing! Seriously. One of the greatest feelings in the world is finishing what you started! Plus, if you suddenly stopped, my sister would probably have a heart attack.

Ok! Woo hoo! I'm back to read and discuss and review. So let's get right into this shall we?

I don't want to be a wet blanket because I was so excited to see the next chapter posted, but this whole time I was sooo confused. Confusion characterized this chapter up until, "“How are you, Billie?”" with Arthur. How many days or hours has it been? How much time has elapsed? Also it didn't seem to flow in chronological order... Pretty confusing.

Overall this chapter wasn't your best. It seemed like you really wanted to get to the next chapter and so you rushed through the chapter in between. I would suggest reading through chapter 10 then read through chapter 12 and rewrite the first half of this chapter at least. (I said chapter too much )

Wait a sec.

Is "Normally I have a response prepared for situations like this, but now all I can do is shrug. I know why I’m not in class, because she’s in class, and I can’t face her today, I can’t" and "But I can’t explain this to Arthur, so instead I shrug, dropping his gaze" supposed to match up and everything else in between is just Billie's thought process??

I think that's what you were going for but that wasn't communicated to me. First she's talking to Arthur about skipping class, then she's talking to a nurse about missing curfew (is the nurse really necessary?), then she's apologizing to Artemis (btw what does hex mean?), then food, and then I get more confused as the chapter goes on. What is happening and when is it happening? Why am I reading mindless exposition instead of a legit chapter?

But I love the ending! There is hope for Billie! And Lucian is kinda growing on me. Maybe he's not all that bad

But Hunter still has a fan here. Sorry I keep bringing him up. That's probably annoying for you.

Ok sorry for being really blunt on this review... Don't take it the wrong way Your book is still awesome!!!