Young Writers Society

Hey Shauzer, Evzzer here!

Thoroughly enjoyed this one. I got a very surreal quality from it, almost dream like. The altered refrain at the end was a very sophisticated poetic device to convey the difference between living in the moment, and remembering the far away love from a holiday.

The agony and turmoil felt knowing this could be your only time spent with this girl in which you feel strong love towards, is a bleak image. As you said, it is a "a mere glimpse of something great, a tease." As you fall more for this girl, reality is constantly on your mind as you know this can't happen. Again, the word "tease" comes back into my mind.

Overall i really enjoyed this one man, you're great!

Hey, yo, TheShauzer! Strangelove here on this PokeReview Day and I have a review for you!
This is the first poem I've read of yours, so I didn't know what to expect coming into this. I have read one previous work, and you know how to set the mindset of the setting. Though, that was about a psychopath and this one is about romance. Nonetheless, let me get onto the good stuff.
Your vocabulary is interesting. You make it smooth, which helps caress the poem into a nice shape, as weird as that sounds. You can set the romantic mood. You also use this vocab to set great imagery. It is great! The stanzas were nice for most of it and it really worked well. This has to be one of the better romance poems I've read in a while.
I felt as there needs to be more. The ending was just there, telling lust between two connecting through the language of song. That's a real nice message, and I enjoyed that part. It left somewhat of a whole, which is needed but yet isn't needed. It cancels each other out and left me satisfied, but I want more to be honest.

that one fleeting moment when a love is born true.

Hello!

So I hear you're curious about How to format your poetry on YWS well boy do I have a place for you XD.

Alright, down to business.

I like that you didn't do the classical love poem that's all about how love is this and love is that. You actually went into details that were specific to the situation and developed the ideas, and the imagery to suit that situation. This went really well in this poem.

Your rhyming wasn't bad at all either considering the context of the poem being the romance language and creating that lovesick mood which wooing someone in romantic rhymes would create. You also talk about the language barrier, whether that is poetic language vs. regular language, or Spanish vs. something else is up for debate. In all honesty, it could get away with being both.

I think there are some points in your rhyme that fall apart, such as "blue" and "true," which kind of feels forced and cued me off to the rhyme pattern being there in the first place. There is also the minor issue of the slant rhyme in the last stanza, "again" and "skin" which are really close to rhyming, with just a slight difference in the vowel sound. I think they call it consonance? Anyway, the only reason it's a problem with your rhyming is because every other stanza only has one set of rhymed words, and the other set does not. Sort of like the inconsistency of change when you used "tease" and "breeze" as the rhyming words for two different stanzas.

Overall, the poem is really good. I like how you work through the mess of summer romances, and deal with the uncomfortable situation with grace and dignity to your characters. If you want to improve farther, I'd recommend narrowing down the time frame farther to just a moment, and see how that works for you. I think showing some reality of the world from just a moment, or a scene is a real art, and something that you seem like you could do.

Aley

This review courtesy of

Hello.
I don't think i've read one of your works. So here we go.

What Went Well

1. The writing was interesting and not too long, so the length as well.
2. The way it looks like an archaic story with the different parts
3. The enjambent, improves the flow

Even Better If

1. It was longer! I would love to read more of this stuff
2. The characters were more specific and they had names and the like
3. Less careful use of neat stanzas and punctuation eg. more variety

I really enjoyed reading this and it seemed very traditional.
Well done.
Keep writing.
~R