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Chapter 7: The Roommates

by artemis15sc

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92 Reviews

Points: 4553
Reviews: 92

Thu Dec 04, 2014 1:17 am
pendr says...

User avatar
92 Reviews

Points: 4553
Reviews: 92

Thu Dec 04, 2014 12:48 am
pendr wrote a review...

Hello! Just me :D Still loving the story, and I'm not gonna stop reading it.

“Of course, I didn’t mean to, I just wasn’t sure if, I mean I didn’t want to make any assumptions about…what they tell you in the—“ I would change those commas to hyphens and periods to make it more choppy and separated.

"“Artemis.” Thea replies, “She’s…” But I don’t get to her what Artemis is" 'hear'

" I unpack, making my bed, and wait for my roommates to show up" 'make' to keep it the same tense.

Okay. I'm going to refrain from making any corrections, with your okay, because I don't want to waste time I could spend getting into the story. So, unless there's something huge, I will be leaving less and shorter reviews.

"Glimmering silver vases and shining golden coat-of-arms guard every corner." put a comma after shining

"They wore clothing of every color, made of glimmering exquisite looking material and so vibrant they almost glowed" change the second 'it' to they if you're talking about the clothes being vibrant. That whole paragraph could use some work with tenses and just a simple proof read. The paragraph after could use a quick proof read, too.

"“Easy, little freshmen.” A cool female voice says behind me. Artemis stiffens, while I whirl around." Whoa. You never told us the witch was Artemis.

"The one with long, blond hair eyes are like cat-slits," fix this

"Never mind, she sounds like an evil Marylyn Monroe." Marilyn

I know proof reading would take tons of time, but there are really simple mistakes here and there that I'm positive you'd notice, so I want to give you a tip for proofreading: Go sentence by sentence. Only focus on one sentence at a time. I think you'd find the mistakes without having to be too tedious, though.

Aww :D I love her cute hopes about the pale boy. :D I'm excited to hear more from him... but... Lucian's coming up too, sooo.... XD ONLY MORE READING WILL TELL! LET'S GO!

artemis15sc says...

Seriously, you are amazing. I'm going to return the favor, I promise.

pendr says...

Aww, thanks! You really don't have to. It's an incredible pleasure reading your novel!

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49 Reviews

Points: 4783
Reviews: 49

Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:48 am
PassionateReader wrote a review...

*Frowns then sighs* Sadly, I'm not on of the first reviewers on this chapter. Oh well.

I'll get over it :)

Ok I love all that's going one here!! Yay!

For starters, I don't know what a DDR is. Maybe it's just me, tho. But I like how you used the non-word "disco-y". Feel free to make those words up to get the point across. And it's something Billie would say, too, so it really works.

I did agree with tgirly with the "She whirls around as I open the door and gasps" detail. I love the reaction from Iris and I think maybe you could add that she drops all those books. It would add to the first impression of her character.

Yay!! Billie's finally reacting to the labels!!!! And very well may I just say. She's trying sooooo hard to fit in. She's only been thee a few hours and she already has a bad reputation. Especially with the witches.

Speaking of the witches, I really like the conflict you're creating here. Artemis? Awesome. Her name is your user! Nice. I do think you need to make your conflict characters distinctly different. I love Sedna. I love Artemis. But unless all witches are the same, try to put a buffer between their qualities so they don't blend into one person with two different appearances. If ya know what I mean. But Billie probably feels like trouble and hate follow her everywhere! That must be hard for her and you've made me understand her perfectly.

She just wants a friendly face. And this boy is just want she needs. Or think she needs. I still like Hunter better. But this is gonna get interesting!

And the tent ion in the dorm! Awesome!

You seemed to have a lot of technical errors in this chapter. Just read it through and edit those on your own. You got this.

artemis15sc says...

Thanks love! There's a new one, you should get first dibs :)

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372 Reviews

Points: 14982
Reviews: 372

Mon Jun 30, 2014 3:35 am
tgirly wrote a review...

Me again!
Let's get right into the review.
"She whirls around as I open the door and gasps." This seems like a bit of an overreaction; if the room was big enough for two people, she should have been expecting a roommate as Billie did. No one in real life is that surprised when an unlocked door opens. It's a really small detail.
"This is an encouraging start." Sarcasm is always appreciated.
"beautiful, animated paintings" Again with the beautiful!
"Having started high school a month ago, swarming masses of teenagers is hardly a new sight," That's the truth. Swarming masses is the perfect way to describe it; a lot of people will be able to relate to this.
"and I do my best not to look out of place." This, this is hilarious. There's a guy with horns on his head and she's worried about looking out of place. Aah, the power of the stare.
"He looks Italian, except his skin’s a pale, almost white." The 'a' is out of place. Also, I don't understand how he looks Italian. Is it his facial features? The shape of his face? His eyes? His nose? Just that he has dark hair?
"and he’s beautiful. Really, so beautiful I think he must be a faerie." This is the proper use of beautiful in my opinion. I can live with this detail, though it's a bit cliché to have an extremely beautiful love interest (it gives it away to the reader too.)
I like the ending; you do a good job of showing the level of tension in the girls' room. I don't think the main character fully understands how deep-seeded the hatred between the different races is. This story is developing really nicely. Can you please tell me when the next chapter comes out? I'd love to read it.
I hope this review helps.

This review courtesy of

artemis15sc says...

Very helpful review, thank you :)

artemis15sc says...

Did I ever tell you I posted more? I have more chapters, which is perfect for another review day, and I'll be returning the favor at some point, I promise. xD.

tgirly says...

That's great! I will definitely go and review those chapters during Review Day!

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639 Reviews

Points: 13700
Reviews: 639

Mon Jun 30, 2014 3:31 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hello, Artemis, Wolf here for a review.

I am very intrigued and very disappointed in myself for not finding this story earlier. So, I have not read the previous chapter to this, but for the most part, I was too terribly confused. I always really like it when authors kind of reiterate points throughout their pieces, whether they realize it or not. For example, here you mention that Billie is nicknamed Rusty because of there she came from, and through dialogue, we're told that the rusty land or whatever is Earth, and that Billie didn't know she had powers until very recently.

The character interactions are very well written, and I like how you've established really well each of these character's personalities, like how Thea is trying to be semi-polite to Billie since she is new and all, but she really wants nothing to do with her. While Artemis, on the other hand, wants absolutely nothing to do with Billie because she is a Faerie and she's a rusty.

I find this concept very interesting, and I don't see that many errors for the most part, though the dialogue could be polished up a little bit (what capitalization errors here an there.) I do remember thinking in the beginning that it felt a little choppy, so I would recommend to go through there a maybe try switching up sentence types and combining sentences with each other or adding dependent and independent clauses, etc. whatever need to be done.

Overall, I really liked this and I hope to go back and read more when I have time. Keep up the good work! Keep Writing,

artemis15sc says...

Thank you, I'll work on that flow in later drafts.

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212 Reviews

Points: 3486
Reviews: 212

Mon Jun 30, 2014 3:18 am
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...

Hello, love. Aurora here for a review. I meant to review this SUCH a long time ago, but ran out of time. Now, as a member of the After Watch, I must clear this out!

Alright. Let's get to it, then.

I like Artemis. But you've already got a character so much like hers, why add a new one. Delete the first character. It's not needed, love. I get that you want to show the dislike between fey and witch, but you can do that just as easily by, say, making a witch walk around Billie in the hall rather than touch her sleeve or something.

A little grammatical error: Thea finishes and pulls out a book, though I can see she’s doodling in the margins rather than studying, at some point she says, “anyone mind if I get the light?” Artemis replies by snapping her fingers, throwing us into darkness.
Thea finishes and pulls out a book, though I can see she’s doodling in the margins rather than studying. At one point, she says, “Anyone mind if I get the light?”

Artemis replies by snapping her fingers, throwing us into darkness.

There you go. The description was good in this chapter, too. Awesome job, love.

keep persisting.

artemis15sc says...

Thank you so much, I really need to hear your opinions. I understand why you think Sedna and Artemis are similar, they're are reasons for that, and why you think Sedna is un-needed. Unfortunately, deleting her is not that simple. They both serve distinct, vital, and seperate roles in the plot, roles that cannot be combined without completing overalling the entire plotline for this book. That may be what I need to do, but I'm ready to do that just yet, I hope you understand. If I were to delete Sedna I would have to create another character to fulfill her role in the plot, do you think that would be better?

No, just give Sedna some distinct character traits that differentiate her from Artemis other than how they look.

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— -Apple Inc.