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Hi Artemis!I am really slow at reviewing this, and I want to say sorry for it I also haven't seen you around too much lately but I will leave my reviews for it you come back anyway :3Even though this chapter seemed to be largely for just explaining what the school looks like, I felt like we got a lot more than simply that from the chapter. Yes, we had your brilliant descriptions but then we were also introduced to some new characters as well as gleaming how this school works a bit. As well as that, as I always say I love the voice of the main character as well as the way you include so much detail in her emotions. Some people might not have given any heed to the moment when the first wizard she ever met disappears but you remember to do so and it makes her seem like such a realistic character. I loved It ^.^ Also, in this review I am going to try and stay away from the nitpicking because so many people before me have covered everything that needs to be said.
“How so,” I gasp.
I'm back! I've been meaning to get back to Alpha for ages, but now I'm reviewing. Definitely.I don't have massive amounts of stuff to pount out, but I'll start with some of the more technical stuff.
She girl smile, brushing her golden hair out of her blue eyes. She’s really pretty, in a sort of cute school girl kind of way.“Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Ms. Waverunner.”
And the way they keeping looking at me, are they talking about me.
“Our conflict did influence there’s*,” Arthur says. “But the human and mortals wars have always been distinct. Connected, but distinct.” Arthur interjects.
There weren’t any sorcerers in the rustlands, at least not pure sorcerers, but I’d heard the older misfits talking about them enough to know they were sort of the black sheep of the magical community
This,” Gwen says, “Is the training room.”
Hello I don't feel there's a need for an introduction XD I promise, I'm going to keep from correcting any errors you could find by proof reading by yourself. I keep saying that, but I keep failing at it XD "Ter, the shortened form of daughter. She’s a wizard." Why is this here? It was random and very confusing. Please figure it out so you can clear it up. “I had the privilege of attending the Academy with your mother, Diana was one of the finest magicians Alpha’s ever seen. Now I’m certain you have many questions I’m trusting you to Gwen’s and Arthur’s capable hands" Change the comma before Diana to a period. Put a period after questions, and change 'trusting' to 'entrusting' “After the formation of the union in 1812, the original union races," capitalize Union because it's a place/race/something else that's official. “Our conflict did influence there’s,” Arthur says." It should be their's "I wanted to learn about magic, not whether Madame--something-- lina likes typical Victorian shutters or roman-inspired architecture." capitalize Lina and RomanOkay. You have an Arthur, Gwen, Freya, and Morlec (which is pretty similar to Merlin). Where's Morgana? Just Kidding XD So, either there's a good reason for these Merlin names, or you just really like the names. Both are ok with me. My day just got brighter because I now know you like Merlin
Hello again, Artemis, Wolf here for a review.I like this chapter, since here we get some more info on this realm you've created, specifically the academe, Alpha. It's really cool all the different races that go there, and the history seems interesting. Usually I'm against info-dumping, but here I feel like it's fine, since sometimes in novels it kind of has to happen, especially in novels with a lot of world building.You do a good job of keeping most elements in this real, for example how Billie reacts to all this new stuff coming at her. Some points she's in awe, and in others she is struggling to try and take note of everything for future reference. They way you incorporated her guides was nice, but I am kind of confused, are they students or grown people? Because I think at one point it was said Gwen was their best student, but I'm led to believe they are adults.Another thing, the dialogue kind of confused me, especially at this part:
“I was asked to be president of Alpha a few years ago, and how could I refuse such an honor?”“He means,” the girl steps forward, her long blond hair fluttering and blue eyes bright, “how could we accept such an honor?”
Ok this chapter is great! But I really. really. really think that it should have been divided into two separate chapters. Like The Academy might stop at "Don't worry, you'll get your chance." Then the next chapter could be something like The Dome or The Past or The Truth. Whatever you want. But it was awfully long for one chapter. This sentence, "You can see from one end of the school to the city of Alexandria sprawling in the distance", should be changed to "I can see from one end..." You suddenly added a second person point of view instead of staying consistent with first person. This sentence, "The dome spun to show a group of people, warlocks, standing in a circle, holding a weird glowing orb over their heads, which quickly dissolves into warlocks razing the cities of the fey, while the fey fled". The dome spun is past tense. Keep it present; you're doing great! Also I was really lost trying to follow all the different races. I kept up with the fey and the sorcerers. But that was it and the history was really confusing. But I don't know how else you would not lose me with all those races. Maybe it's just me... That said, I love the way you explained the history. Spot on! It wasn't lots of facts in a boring academy classroom. It was colorful, interactive, real, and totally magic! I wish my history class was that exciting! Billie found out the truth about her heritage in a remarkable way. And it was special for her. Something she will always remember. Ooh!! And Sedna!!! She was like a warlock Tanya! But way more important! Tanya was totally afraid of Billie and covered it up with bullying and toughness. Sedna tho... Maybe she's intimidated by Billie's new comer-ness. Or maybe she's trying to show who's really the boss around here. I don't know yet and only more reading will tell. I love your characters!!!!! Arthur seems to be nice enough. I still really like Hunter tho!!! I'm shipping Hunter and Billie. What should the name be? Huntillie? Or maybe Billunter? Anyway... Keep up the good work.
Hello, artemis!Aurora here for a Review day review!Alright, down to business. First thing that caught my attention: Split this chapter up. It's so long, really, that you could easily have two chapters that were still a good length. As I was reading this I found myself wanting to just go on. Maybe throw in some sarcastic banter there to amuse your reads. Because right now, you're losing me interest really quickly. Granted, I haven't read the previous chapters, so I may be missing something.I'm not going to point out your grammatical or technical errors. I trust that you can do that on your own.I must congratulate you on your use of the word 'faerie'. I thought I was the only person who used that anymore. Just one correction about your usage; there is no plural of faerie. It's spelled faerie for singular, and if you've got a large group you want to talk about, you use faeriekind. Or just abbreviate with fae, or fey, as you like to spell it. So faeries? That doen't exist, as far as I know. Although, I suppose I could be wrong. But that doesn't usually happen. Phoebe smiles, swirling her wrist like she’s about to perform a spell.Ah.... what? Swirling her wrist? Did I read that right? Pray tell, love, how do you swirl a wrist? Maybe her hand. But not her wrist. As far as I know, she's have to be doing huge circles with her arms to be 'swirling' her wrists. About the part where you say that WW1 and WW2 were started by wizards and just took place in the human world too... yeah, Rick Riordan already used that in his Percy Jackson series. I mean, you might have had no idea about this (heaven knows I do this a lot accidentally too), but I really would suggest you change it.What can I say.... I really liked reading this chapter but would have liked to have the building described to me, too. Although, your descriptions of the characters is amazing, apart form this line:At the top are a boy, a girl, and a man wearing a turban.A boy and a girl?! Add some description!Anyway, this was a fantastic chapter, love!Keep persisting,~Aurora
The dialogue, where he says he’s the president and all, and from Sinai, it sounds a bit expository, not too much, but I’d question myself if it’s really necessary. Her asking about the turban too.Is every new recruit greeted by the president and the head students personally at the stairs? I’d imagine more of a: here’s your room, oh and the authorities want to see you so we’ll go to the principal’s office after I show you around. You know like in Harry Potter, he wasn’t personally greeted by Dumbledore the moment he got off the train even though Harry was kind of famous in their world. You get what I mean? Plus showing preference to one student is kind of unfair. I mean do they welcome every single student that way? How many students do they have? 10? Else it’s kind of… difficult to welcome all.The rest is ok, though maybe a bit expository. It’s nice to tell the history and but focus a bit more on showing. It drags at times, and you can read it outloud to yourself to see where. I do think this whole thing can be shorter than it is. And like I mentioned in the previous review take your time with visuals. Though here I think your scenes are well formatted and the paragraphs and descriptions not too skinny. Be careful with repetitions though. So again, nicely done, keep up the good work.
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