Young Writers Society

Hi Artemis!

I know I am getting through these very slowly but I am going to get there In time ^^

As for this chapter it was awesome to see the aftermath of her happenings at school and a little bit about her mother as well. I am glad that we got to see a bit of her life there, although I am not sure the point of mentioning Larson and Hunter now that she is leaving this realm and going to the union. But maybe this will be something that comes back in the future chapters? I guess I have to wait and see ^^ It's also cool that she is going to go to the union. I like the way they went about doing it.

One thing I wondered about was how the police were able to conjure a lighter into her pocket. Because if the magic people were behind it and not actually there, is it even possible to cast a spell on someone so they are able to cast spells as well? Or did they do something from afar? How would they have known the right timing? I just thought that was a bit curious and I wondered how they would've gone about doing such a thing.

Also, whenever you mention the word union I feel like adding a capital letter to it because when it comes to it, that really is a place. And all places have capital letters. So shouldn't union?

I head she sprayed the whole thing with aerosol and then used her lighter.”

so they distract with speculations about the academy.

It must be hard to still go here while you have...you know.”

Neither of us had said anything the morning after our fight

I’ve wandered into the forbidden Billie and her mother analysis land.

Sophie throws a fry at me.

“Well yeah,” he says

"There's the little fire freak." I whirl around.

I can’t remember their aims, either of them,

Hi! I'm going to start trying to not leave reviews on EVERY chapter, because as already stated, you could catch what I'm correcting by just a quick proof read.

One quick thing though, is “Idiot, that wouldn't work.” The blond boy says, shaking his head.

“Yes it would.” She hits him again, harder this time, “I even asked Mr. Green and he said...“
You previously said the boy had dark hair, and now you say he's blonde? Please clear this up

" I think someone even ran away, like they’re afraid I’ll go terminator on them, only with fire." Capitalize Terminator.

“So…” Alexis says, noticing I’ve wandered into the forbidden Billie and her mother analysis land." make it Billie-and-her-mother-analysis

“Then I’ll make sure to send you some of those fancy soaps.” Sophie throws a fry at me." Maybe make 'Sophie throws a fry at me' it's on paragraph so we don't think Sophie said that.

OK. Unless you tell me otherwise. I'm going to only leave a review if there's something within the context that's confusing; no more punctuation. That should make these shorter

Hello again, Artimes, Wolf here for a review.

I just noted that looking through all the titles of your chapters, they all start with 'The' and have something in relation to what happens. It's just kind of a cool pattern you've got going there, and I know quite a few people don't really like naming their chapters. Just something I felt like I should point out

Billie's personality is really amusing to me. I like how she's that girl who always has a witty comeback and her sarcasm amuses me. Even those comments in the narration, like when the policemen were knocked out. It really brings out her character a lot so that we, the readers, can connect to her more and identify with her.

Aside from a few grammar and spelling errors (which you should just read through to catch) and some technical things that I'm positive I've mentioned in other reviews, there isn't much else to critique on. Though one thing I'm kind of confused about is Billie's relationship with Tanya. In the first chapter I was under the impression that they were kind of close friends, well many not close, but still good friends. Here though, it seems like they were mortal enemies from day one. Maybe add something in there on how Tanya took Billie's accident as a change to become a total jerk and she changed? I don't know, it just doesn't feel right to me.

Anyways, I am off to read more, and hopefully it only gets better from here! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Me again! I think I'll just cut to the chase with this review without waffling on at the start.

Not so many quibbles this time, but I did catch a couple:

“That’s her, that’s the one I was telling you about.” A girl says as she lightly hits the dark-haired boy sitting next to her.
“She’s the one who destroyed Tanya’s cake?” He asks, glancing at me.

Tanya and her minions, Robin and Melissa, are standing behind me. Tanya gives me a soft smirk, folding her hands across her chest and jutting out her hip. She’s dressed in her usual mixture of bad girl meets prep, wearing the pigtails only she could pull off as chic and not goody-two shoes. Despite being a freshmen, Tanya was a Sandy Brooks High School Legend. She’s loaded, which means she’s got lots of friends, and she’s crazy, which makes her interesting enough to keep those friends around. She’s always going on about the boys she’s hooked up with or the liquors she’d stolen or tried. Even though most of it was false, she did enough other crazy things, like where a miniskirt to school and tell the principal if he wanted her to change, he was going to have to take the skirt off himself, that people didn't care.

Knowing the only future for you and your other ghetto freaks is becoming prostitutes addicted to heroin? At least you and the balck girl, I’m not sure there’s anyone desperate enough to do it with the white girl.”

Hunter hesitates, just for a moment, a moment too long, “Hu"

They’re breathing normally, but their eyes are closed, like their asleep, though I doubt that’s what happened to them.

I'm back. Hopefully you won't get sick of me and I won't be repeating myself.

Another great chapter! *applause* I got to see a little of Billies everyday life at school. Yet not so everyday with all the unusual awkward and eventful situations. I got to know Billie even more since someone's tendencies differ between home and school. But it was still the same Billie as before, just a little deeper into her character. I hope you keep digging into who she is as we go along.

This sentence, "It's been like this all week, and it was only Wednesday" should be "...and it is only Wednesday." You just switched tenses there.

With this part, " It's been like this all week, and it was only Wednesday. Everywhere I go people are whispering, staring at me when they think I’m not looking, but I as soon as I look over my shoulder they hastily return to their iPods, their books, and their made-up conversations. I think someone even ran away, like they’re afraid I’ll go terminator on them, only with fire. I’d never been miss popularity, but I played the class clown enough that people tolerated me. Now I ‘m the pyromaniac freak they avoid at all costs. Sophie and Alexis are sympathetic, but there’s not much they can do, so they distract with speculations about the academy.", I think you could add a little more of Billies feelings throughout this explanation. She's being labeled again and it probably feels like everywhere she goes people are passing judgement on her. She might feel like know one really knows who she is. Like I said before, use this opportunity to make me connect more with Billie. I'm not saying to cut out this information, but sorta disguise the facts here with Billie's emotion.

Other than that little part, you did a lot better blending up your explanations here. Then didn't stick out and I couldn't find those chunks of facts as before.

This sentence, "Even though most of it was false, she did enough other crazy things, like where a miniskirt to school and tell the principal if he wanted her to change, he was going to have to take the skirt off himself, that people didn't care.", sorta ran on and didn't flow well. Try rewording it a little or making two separate sentences.

I love the little nod to boys. The different way both their personalities were and the different ways the girls responded to them showed me a lot. For one, Billie is definitely not boy-crazy. She barely gives them a second thought. She is focused and determined to make the most of her situation and not to get distracted. Those qualities will push her to do her best at the Academy and work hard to be who she dreams. But Alexis, she is a little different. This boy has popularity and swag. Some things that she could never have. Isn't she the one who wanted Billie to go to the party in the first place? Because she wanted to be like Tanya, right? The way she acts around Larson is consistent with her wanting what others have. Hopefully she will learn a lesson on contentment and Larson will have an important role in your story. But I'm getting ahead of things. Just looking forward!

Something else I'm looking forward to is Hunter. He's so cute! But obviously Billie doesn't think so. I say cute, but it's really his quirky personality and brave integrity that makes me like him. He stood up for Billie even though she tried to avoid talking to him. It's clear he likes her which is something you can build on in the future.

I love where your going with this! There's so much more ahead!