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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hi Artemis!
In time ^^
I know I am getting through these very slowly but I am going to get there
As for this chapter it was awesome to see the aftermath of her happenings at school and a little bit about her mother as well. I am glad that we got to see a bit of her life there, although I am not sure the point of mentioning Larson and Hunter now that she is leaving this realm and going to the union. But maybe this will be something that comes back in the future chapters? I guess I have to wait and see ^^ It's also cool that she is going to go to the union. I like the way they went about doing it.
One thing I wondered about was how the police were able to conjure a lighter into her pocket. Because if the magic people were behind it and not actually there, is it even possible to cast a spell on someone so they are able to cast spells as well? Or did they do something from afar? How would they have known the right timing? I just thought that was a bit curious and I wondered how they would've gone about doing such a thing.
Also, whenever you mention the word union I feel like adding a capital letter to it because when it comes to it, that really is a place. And all places have capital letters. So shouldn't union?
This was the only speech missing the speech marks at the beginning. I am sure that is easily solved though ^.^
I think you are missing the word 'me' after the word distract. As well as that I thought it was weird that she was on her own. I mean, if I was her friend and I wanted to distract her I would also make sure she was on her own as little as possible so she would have no reason to listen to the gossip. If so many people were speaking wherever Billie was, I doubt it was a lesson or class. So why weren't her friends with her?
I'll only pull out one example of this for each chapter if I find it in there. But seeing as you seem to be a fan using ellipses you need to make sure you are using them right. Which means a space needs to be after the three dots before you have the next word comes into play. Keep bearing this in mind as you write
I think that sentence needed a bit more clarifying. It made it sound like neither of them said anything at all. But you mean just about the situation. So how about making this sentence: Neither of us said anything about the argument the morning after our fight.
I know what you mean to say here. Which is why I suggestion something like 'Billie-and-her-mother-analysis-land. It seems like it would fit into your style, and I just thought the phrase called for it!
I don't know why this sounded so odd to me. Maybe being more specific would help? How about calling it a French fry instead.
Comma needed after the first word.
Because you have Billie's action on the same line as the speech, in the readers mind this will seem like a dialogue tag, even though it isn't. That's because some authors do use actions as tags. So I would suggest you put Billie's action in a new line because you don't want us to get too confused.
I think you meant names instead of aims.
I felt like as Billie is being driven to the police station or led to the car she should be thinking about her mum. I mean, her mother will be so crushed to hear about how Billie has gotten involved with the police once again so closely after they aroused suspicion before. I was waiting for a mention of her to arise but it seemingly didn't, which I found to be pretty odd.
I know the majority of the advice I gave was nitpicks, but there were very few plot comments that I could've made! As always I loved the storyline and the voice, it just matches so well with your writing style. Can't wait to keep reading and know where she thinks she is running to
Deanie x
Hi! I'm going to start trying to not leave reviews on EVERY chapter, because as already stated, you could catch what I'm correcting by just a quick proof read.
One quick thing though, is “Idiot, that wouldn't work.” The blond boy says, shaking his head.
“Yes it would.” She hits him again, harder this time, “I even asked Mr. Green and he said...“
You previously said the boy had dark hair, and now you say he's blonde? Please clear this up
" I think someone even ran away, like they’re afraid I’ll go terminator on them, only with fire." Capitalize Terminator.
“So…” Alexis says, noticing I’ve wandered into the forbidden Billie and her mother analysis land." make it Billie-and-her-mother-analysis
“Then I’ll make sure to send you some of those fancy soaps.” Sophie throws a fry at me." Maybe make 'Sophie throws a fry at me' it's on paragraph so we don't think Sophie said that.
OK. Unless you tell me otherwise. I'm going to only leave a review if there's something within the context that's confusing; no more punctuation. That should make these shorter
Hello again, Artimes, Wolf here for a review.
I just noted that looking through all the titles of your chapters, they all start with 'The' and have something in relation to what happens. It's just kind of a cool pattern you've got going there, and I know quite a few people don't really like naming their chapters. Just something I felt like I should point out
Billie's personality is really amusing to me. I like how she's that girl who always has a witty comeback and her sarcasm amuses me. Even those comments in the narration, like when the policemen were knocked out. It really brings out her character a lot so that we, the readers, can connect to her more and identify with her.
Aside from a few grammar and spelling errors (which you should just read through to catch) and some technical things that I'm positive I've mentioned in other reviews, there isn't much else to critique on. Though one thing I'm kind of confused about is Billie's relationship with Tanya. In the first chapter I was under the impression that they were kind of close friends, well many not close, but still good friends. Here though, it seems like they were mortal enemies from day one. Maybe add something in there on how Tanya took Billie's accident as a change to become a total jerk and she changed? I don't know, it just doesn't feel right to me.
Anyways, I am off to read more, and hopefully it only gets better from here! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thanks, Once upon a time I had this thing where Tanya only invited Billie out of guilt, but I cut it out because it felt too expository, I'll try to clarify things, however...
Me again! I think I'll just cut to the chase with this review without waffling on at the start.
Not so many quibbles this time, but I did catch a couple:
Speakers tags shouldn't be capitalised. If you want a more detailed explanation let me know.
You kind of jump around with the tenses in this paragraph. Unless you're talking about when she USED to be a freshman then it should all be in the present tense. You've used 'where' where you should use 'wear'. Also, (and this was maybe already pointed out) the last sentence doesn't quite make sense. Maybe replace the commas after 'crazy things' and 'take the skirt off himself' with hyphens to separate your ideas a bit better.
The first part of this passage feels a little off. It just doesn't quite seem like something someone would say... maybe try 'becoming prostitutes or heroin addicts?' or something like that. I think at the moment it just seems a little too specific. The second sentence is also kind of weird, is Tanya talking about Sophie and Alexis? For starters you've made a typo on 'black', and I'd suggest adding some kind of verb, like 'will' or 'could' so it links in withvwhat she's said in the previous paragraph.
Think you need a hyphen on the end of Hunter's dialogue.
Should be 'they're' before asleep.
Okay, so you've done a really good job at propelling the story onwards, and not lwtting it sit still for too long. There was no infodumping in this chapter - and you managed to weave the information in much better. Still a few grammar errors when it comes to dialogue, though.
Hunter is an interesting addition to the story at this point, one that I assume we'll be seeing more of in future. Make sure that he's really developed well, because at the moment, even though he seems nice, he runs the risk of being vanilla and clichéed. Just make sure that there's more to him than just being the understanding, not-a-fan-of-poular-types boy, because it has been done before WAY too often. Just give him a little depth, is all I'm saying.
You've furthered our understanding of the characters very well here and shown more insight into Billie. All good in that department. Ditto for the pacing.
I don't have stacks to say for this without repeating what I, and other reviewers, have already said. So great job, and I look forward to your next chapter!
I'm back. Hopefully you won't get sick of me and I won't be repeating myself.
Another great chapter! *applause* I got to see a little of Billies everyday life at school. Yet not so everyday with all the unusual awkward and eventful situations. I got to know Billie even more since someone's tendencies differ between home and school. But it was still the same Billie as before, just a little deeper into her character. I hope you keep digging into who she is as we go along.
This sentence, "It's been like this all week, and it was only Wednesday" should be "...and it is only Wednesday." You just switched tenses there.
With this part, " It's been like this all week, and it was only Wednesday. Everywhere I go people are whispering, staring at me when they think I’m not looking, but I as soon as I look over my shoulder they hastily return to their iPods, their books, and their made-up conversations. I think someone even ran away, like they’re afraid I’ll go terminator on them, only with fire. I’d never been miss popularity, but I played the class clown enough that people tolerated me. Now I ‘m the pyromaniac freak they avoid at all costs. Sophie and Alexis are sympathetic, but there’s not much they can do, so they distract with speculations about the academy.", I think you could add a little more of Billies feelings throughout this explanation. She's being labeled again and it probably feels like everywhere she goes people are passing judgement on her. She might feel like know one really knows who she is. Like I said before, use this opportunity to make me connect more with Billie. I'm not saying to cut out this information, but sorta disguise the facts here with Billie's emotion.
Other than that little part, you did a lot better blending up your explanations here. Then didn't stick out and I couldn't find those chunks of facts as before.
This sentence, "Even though most of it was false, she did enough other crazy things, like where a miniskirt to school and tell the principal if he wanted her to change, he was going to have to take the skirt off himself, that people didn't care.", sorta ran on and didn't flow well. Try rewording it a little or making two separate sentences.
I love the little nod to boys. The different way both their personalities were and the different ways the girls responded to them showed me a lot. For one, Billie is definitely not boy-crazy. She barely gives them a second thought. She is focused and determined to make the most of her situation and not to get distracted. Those qualities will push her to do her best at the Academy and work hard to be who she dreams. But Alexis, she is a little different. This boy has popularity and swag. Some things that she could never have. Isn't she the one who wanted Billie to go to the party in the first place? Because she wanted to be like Tanya, right? The way she acts around Larson is consistent with her wanting what others have. Hopefully she will learn a lesson on contentment and Larson will have an important role in your story. But I'm getting ahead of things. Just looking forward!
Something else I'm looking forward to is Hunter. He's so cute! But obviously Billie doesn't think so. I say cute, but it's really his quirky personality and brave integrity that makes me like him. He stood up for Billie even though she tried to avoid talking to him. It's clear he likes her which is something you can build on in the future.
I love where your going with this! There's so much more ahead!