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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hi
Just me again. I said I was gonna keep reading didn't I?
"She steps closer, and her perfume washes over me. It’s cool and salty, like how the ocean smells, or how I imagine it smells, as I’ve never been." Please specify if her mom or the other lady steps closer.
Your description of those two characters was phenomenal!
"She gestures to the dark-skinned purple-suited man next to her," you just need a comma between dark-skinned and purple-suited.
"My mother has one too, though hers doesn’t change colors" there should be a comma before 'too' as well as after.
"what makes us misfits is that were kicked out of our home were they say we don’t belong, " 'where' instead of were
"There’s something about those ears bearing down on mythat makes me want to lie, but can you lie to magicians?" 'on me that'
"I look up at her, but she’s gone. I stare around, jumping when I find her directly behind her," Please fix this sentence
"Alexix and Sophie’s faces pop in my mind but I force them away." Alexis
"They’re less, forgiving, of mistakes.” She sighs, “You’d better hope they don’t make that decision.” you don't need either of the commas in the first sentence her mom says
"She steps back, the color draining from her face again. “Billie..." but I brush past her, heading for a front door. I feel the moisture on my eyes again as I close the down behind me, but this time I can’t keep the tears from falling.
“I just don’t understand why your mom’s so against it. I mean, I know she hates magic, but this…” Sophie lets the sentence trail off." You need a transition! Or make it like in your later chapters where you have a line dividing sections.
“She’ll let you go though, to the Academy, I mean, if that’s what The Union decides.” Who said this?
"As rude as she may me she doesn’t dare insult Mrs. Veinly," 'be' not 'me'
Alright. So maybe not such short reviews...
The only other thing is that you have this weird thing that says like 'zadpeal' or something scattered randomly throughout the story. Check it out and see if you can find out what it is O_O
I really hope you don't mind these tedious reviews. I'm better at this than the things most people write about overall content things.
So, sad story. This is draft three, which means I've edited this three times and still missed some of these mistakes. So I need this. Thanks so much!
That is no big deal! You aren't alone
Trust me, it's my pleasure to do this.
Hi, rissymay again.
I'm really getting a sense of who Billie's mother is- you did a good job of defining her more in this chapter.
I feel like Billie's being really impulsive- she suddenly wants to go to a place she's never known, and she's not scared of it and doesn't seem to put much thought into what she really wants from the academy- seems kind of unrealistic to me. If impulsiveness is part of her character, maybe her mother should warn her about it or something.
Not sure how I feel about her friends; hard to keep them all straight, and honestly, they aren't as important to me as what's going on, they almost seem like an unneeded extra thing.
wow that seemed harsh. sorry...
I still really like your style and Billie's character.
The excitement is building... can't wait to read more.
On to chapter three!
-rissy
Thanks so much! And I don't think it was harsh. I mean, I don't agree with you, but it's a perfectly valid opinion and it's important that you share it with me.
ok. cool.
Jack here for a review!
Ok so I absolutely love the idea that you have here, and starting today, which is review day, I will be trying to get through as many of you chapters as possible. Well anyway, I love you describing which is great! Your chapter though was extremely long, and hard to read, maybe if you post the next book, split the chapters up, it is extremely hard to read so much on a computer, well it is for me.
I love the character Billie, I think she is the average teen that is just out for a adventure, and doesn't know what she is getting herself into. I also love her mum, and all the secrets she is hiding, and when she meets that wave women, and its like they have a history, well that's just awesome, and I really enjoyed reading that!
"Actually, what makes us misfits is that were kicked out of our home were they say we don’t belong, to a world where we belong even less. Guess misfit means we don’t belong anywhere"
I loved this so much, nothing at fault, it made me love that story so much more. Who doesn't love a misfit in a story, you described what a misfit was perfectly, it was really simple but it was just awesome either way.
“Billie,” She says, not looking at me, “Tell your friends. To. Go. Home.”
Wow that is a lot of full stops! I suggest you re-do this, maybe make the commas, or just take them out. I see your trying to make it like them mum is being stern or something, but it just isn't done very well in this instance, and with some thinking I am sure you can come up with a better idea, on how you can revise this sentence, but I do like what you are getting at here.
"She steps back, the (color) -spelt wrong...draining from her face again. “Billie..." but I brush past her, heading for a front door. I feel the moisture on my eyes again as I close the down behind me, but this time I can’t keep the tears from falling.
“I just don’t understand why your mom’s so against it. I mean, I know she hates magic, but this…” Sophie lets the sentence trail off."
You need to split this up, it just goes from this do that, with no split, maybe add something like this (****). You did this also another time in the story, which isn't very good considering, that it is hard fro the reader to keep up with how the story is going, though this is extremely easy to fix.
That bit were you say she first used magic when she was five, making the sweater go from brown to green, I see what you are saying that wow she did some magic. But like who gives a whoop she changed some cloths colour. Make it something cool or funny, like in Harry Potter. When he makes the glass vanish, and his cousin falls into the snake tank think. Don't do that, but just come up with a cooler scenario and it would make Billie sound so much cooler, and feel like that she has a lot more potential.
Over all I did notice a few other grammar mistakes that need fixing, but I wont go over them, but anyway I really love the idea that you have going here, it is awesome, and I love your description as I said before, it is awesome how much you have wrote for this novel. It is going to take me forever to get through all the chapters, but I really want to, I will as soon as I can go onto the other chapters. I must say though this is one heck of a story, and you have a lot of talent Artemis.
Anyway that's a thumb's up!! from me, and I hope to read more of your work soon because it is epic, so always keep writing, and that's all form me for know:)
Jack
Hi Artemis!
Happy review day!
I hope you don't think I have forgotten about this novel. Been busy, but the month is nearly over and things should be easing up, so I will have more time to read this. ^^ Oh, and I am avoiding most nitpicks because you have enough comments on that!
I really like this! The descriptions of the two strangers who come from the realm was very well done, and it was easy to imagine them after the short paragraph. I know I have already said this in the previous review, but I really like hearing things from Billie's voice. She sounds realistic, down to earth and just like any other teenage girl might sound, even if we don't all have magic. I know she's the kind of person I would love to befriend. As well as that, you did a great job of showing us the situation she is in and the choice before her without creating an infodump for us to wade through. You also added in some mysteries, as in how her mother could know these people, so I look forward to finding out about those things in the future.
I thought it was weird for you to use 'curling' instead of 'curled'. I am assuming that as she is talking her hair isn't naturally curling itself up and changing style? If not, then it should be curled. If it is, that would be a pretty cool and magic-y thing to include, but you would need to focus on it a bit more instead of throwing it in there with one word, so the reader doesn't skip over it but really understands what you mean.
I'm not really sure how her announcing her name determines that she is fey? But then you mentioned later on about how you could determine a wizard by how their name ends. If this is the case for fey as well, then make sure you explain it before she makes the deduction of what she is. I was just a little confused as to how she was so sure.
I may have mentioned this in the previous chapter but I make a point of mentioning it each and every time until the message is brought across ^^ Which some people might find annoying, but oh well! I just think getting the ellipsis's correct is important! If you are going to use them, make sure they are always three dots long! No more, no less. Also, have a space after the ellipsis. If you don't have it you technically connect the two words and that isn't correct, ellipsis there or removed. So make sure you have that all important space in there!
I wondered, wasn't her mother and the fey and wizard talking outside? Before I know it they are all in the kitchen and I missed the transition. Make sure you include it in there! Another thing is, you should either have the wizard saying things or not there at all. I feel like he doesn't say anything and was a pretty useless character to the novel so far, so we don't really need to be introduced to him at all. Maybe he will be useful in the story in the future, but then you could also just introduce him then. Or have him say something! Don't wizards believe they are higher than everyone else, including fey? Because if that is the case I doubt he would let the fey do all the talking and explaining and would try to interrupt and take over at some point.
Haven't you already mentioned that she doesn't look like her mother at some other point in the story? Try to avoid the repetition by deleting one of the mentions of it. I think it fits in pretty well here, so it would probably be the one prior to this that goes.
This scene jump was pretty sudden and it took me a while before I even realized it had happened. My suggestion is for you to make use of asterisks which indicate a jump in time, a change of scene or setting. So it would just be putting a paragraph solely for this *** in there.
***
Like so! We just put in a scene break!
I found it surprising that Billie was able to give away her realm based necklace so easily. First off it was something precious from her mother who she loves, and secondly it was from the realm - a place she has never been but wants to go to. She gives the necklace away without a second thought to what else she may have on her, and doesn't feel sad about it in the slightest. It is almost like the happening didn't occur at all! I just feel like she would be more reluctant to give it away then she was, or at least have a very good reason for doing so.
Thanks for a great chapter! I look forward to when I have the chance to read more
Deanie x
Hello again, Artimes, Wolf here for a review.
Another fabulous chapter! I really like how we are introduced more about this magic world in this chapter, about there being different kinds, and why they are in the rust lands, and finally my question was answered about Billie's gender (I was right she was a girl!) You do a nice job balancing out the different elements of a chapter and all together it was engaging and enjoyable! I am very glad I decided to read this.
So for some criticism. Here and there I notice some mistakes, so a quick easy read through would be the easiest way to find and fix them up. So, one part I'm kind of confused at is what time of day this is at. At one point when the Union Officials leave, it was mentioned that they lifted up into the night. Then later on I think it's mentioned that the sun hangs into the air. What...? Please try to clear that up.
Also, when they have the cookies to take to the orphanage, the transition there seems so abrupt. She's thinking about why they call it an orphanage and suddenly they're there! Maybe draw out the 'journey' there to show how little the town is. Say something to the effect that it takes them merely five minutes and they are already there. That way the scene switch isn't as abrupt and confusing.
I like the character developement going on in this. Really, just by the little talks with the mom, I can already tell that she didn't only leave for Billie. She's obviously not a big fan of magic herself and wants her daughter to live a magic free life. I like that. She seems very protective and caring, but Billie being a teenager and all, doesn't want to be protected and I get the impression she feels smothered. I really like that effect, that Billie wants to experience this but she has no idea what she's getting into. Anyways, on to th next chapter! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thank you!
Hiya Artemis! Here to review your second chapter!
As it's already been said below, this chapter was a massive improvement on the previous one. It just seemed a lot smoother and easier to read, and I'm pretty excited to see how you continue to improve.
Firstly, the quibbles. On the whole, they were mostly pretty minor, and the main problem with this chapter was in the little things, which is good because they are very easily fixed.
Just for the sake of the flow of this sentence, I'd suggest making 'exquisitely' into 'exquisite'. Too many adverbs together don't sound so great, so if you change it you can retain the meaning and improve the flow.
You've switched into past tense at the start of this passage, whilst everything else is in present.
Should be 'hers' without the apostrophe.
Techically you should capitalise the 'her' after the dialogue and put a full stop after 'up'. You had a couple of other dialogue punctuation errors, so keep an eye out.
There's probably a fancy technical grammar name for this (subjunctive tense, I think, but don't quote me on that), but whatever it's called, when you're talking about something that 'might' happen, you need to use 'were' instead of 'is', which would make your sentence 'it might be cool if it weren't so tense'.
Should be 'your'.
This is a bit picky of me, but this sort of feels like a strange way of putting it. Maybe 'raises her chin' could work?
Maybe you meant 'pressing'? I'm not sure what you were meaning to put, but there shouldn't be an apostrophe in 'Masons', and I think maybe you need 'won't' or 'aren't' instead of just 'not'.
Should be 'you're'. You might notice I have a thing about apostrophes.
Just get rid of the aposrophe-s.
Wrong 'to'. Also I notice you use ellipses a lot. Not necessarily a massive problem, but just make sure you don't overuse them.
That should be 'its'.
You've already told us this in chapter one. If through editing you've changed this you can ignore what I'm saying here, but it is a bit repetitive.
Should be 'their'.
Okay... all that aside, I thoygh this was a great improvement on the chapter. We weren't being bombareded with background information, and you had gotten some of Billie's voice back into the characterisation. Your worldbuilding was much stronger here through the inclusion of your mysterious, magical characters, and I did feel like I was getting more of a sense of the world yoyr characters are in, and it really is very interesting and unique so far.
Loved the character development of Billie and her friends. Really am starting to get the feel of their relationship here. And your pacing is massively improved, with a healthy degree of suspense.
There was still a little info dumping in the last big paragraph, but not like in chapter one.
Really good improvement, and I look forward to continuing withvthis story!
Hi Artemis!! Cricket here for a review!! btw, love your username...
Just something so we get more of the picture. 
OK, WOW. WOW, WOW!!! This held my attention all throughout! Extremely good job with fluency, and pacing!
I'll just go into what I think could use some brushing up on, and then into a couple of nitpicks...
Description
Now one thing I noticed is you don't use all of the Five Senses. Sight, Smell, Hearing, Taste, and Touch. I'll go into them all right now... helps me remember them too...
Sight
OK, us writers don't usually really need help with this. Usually all of us use this one for the most part, so I'll ignore this sense.
Smell
Now with smell, you need to think about what is going on with (duhhhh) the nose. Is there a dumpster nearby? Maybe a (yuck!) sewage? Maybe she can smell the bark on the tree? Is something tickling her nose? In order to build a good picture you'll need to bring in all five, including smell! Hope I made that one clear!
Hearing
Hmmm, with this one I'd just suggest trying to think about back round noises. Like you mention crowds at one point? Well are they making tons of noise while they are talking? Maybe there's a bird up in the tree that won't shut up?
Taste
Ohhh, dear! There's no eating in this work! Well, if you get truly desperate for all five senses, then you can go for like saying something like....She could sense that something was in the air. Almost something that she could taste. OK, isn't exactly the best example, but just something to where we can get a taste of what she's going through.
Touch
And the last one! Touch! Touch is important for writing, because if a reader can't get the feel of it, then they just might get bored and leave. So like she's sitting in a tree, and trees have bark. Right...? So maybe have a line in there somewhere, where she says something, or thinks something about how the bark scratched her, or got her hands dirty. Just another thing to help us get the gist of the story more!
Next, I would warn about inserting description of people into one block of a paragraph. Such as this one...
By the end of reading this, I didn't really get what she looked like. Yeah, I knew she had blond hair and green eyes, but it was thrown at me so suddenly that I had difficulty in envisioning her. What I always found easy to do, was to try and insert description all throughout the piece. Such as, so and so says something, while brushing her blond hair out of her face. Just try to make sure you don't throw it in our faces in a hurry.
And that concludes my ramble on description!
Thought and Dialogue
Ohh m'dear! How did you get your dialogue to be so perfect??!! Gahh, I wish I could make my dialogue seem so realistic! It flows right into each other, and I can totally relate to what they are all saying. Good work with that!
Now on a different note...I did notice that you don't seem to use thought that much. When you do, its indirect thought, and I don't know...but that didn't seem to quite click with me.
Such as this line...
This is like a golden opportunity to insert description of her feelings and thoughts. Maybe she's screaming to herself, about how she doesn't exactly know what happened and she doesn't know what to do, and so forth...
Hope I was clear on this!
NITPICKS!!!!
Will do a couple of nitpicks....
Just an accidental typo I think...Comma instead of period is all.
Should be "reached".
You're should be your.
Run-on sentence.
I think you missed a word...I put it in bold.
Now the whole mood of this work seemed very serious, but this made her seem rather childish. So I'd suggest revising it, or rewording it.
After a name in dialogue there should always be a comma.
Ohhh my! Your paragraphing is PERFECT! No nitpicks at all in that area!
Just a typo. You should be your.
Gahhh, sorry to cut out so much but with this part I just have a slight concern. You go right into a different scene without giving any warning at all. So you could give warning by like...doing this!! ******************************* or you could just do it by putting them as completely different chapters! Just a thought. But they do need to be split.
And I'm done! Thanks for posting this! You've got some amazing talent as a writer!
Ohh, I'm sorry! I accidentally posted it twice!
I realize I never replied. This was an absolutely amazing review, thank you!
You're welcome!
WOW!!! Wow. Wow. Wow. (Ok I'll stop now with the wows) Oh my goodness!!! The difference between this chapter and the last is remarkable. With the last chapter I had to force myself to keep reading for the sake of review, but I couldn't put this one down!!! I love it. Wow!! Ok. Now to get to the actual review part.
For starters, me just say, I love your characters!! A story is only as good as the characters are real to the reader. And your physical descriptions line up perfectly with the way their personalities come across. Except for Billie's puffy cheeks. I don't know but up till now she seemed like that wouldn't be one of her qualities. I don't know. But that's not a big deal. But with the man, even though you didn't describe his physical appearance, I got a clear picture of how he might look by the way you developed him throughout the chapter (even though it was just a little). With this sentence, "The man wore a full-body purple spandex suit that wouldn’t have looked out of place at star trek convention. while the woman wore a pinstriped skirt suit and heels, which somehow looks stranger than his outlandish attire", it sorta seemed like it was running on and a little confusing. I had to read it twice to get it, while I really wanted to keep reading. It's really good but you might wanna reword it to be a little more clear.
And. Oh my goodness. I loved the dialogue even more in this chapter! The formal, diplomatic way the ladies fight, the forced politeness, and the tense atmosphere was spot on. And the little references to their past together is so intriguing. I get that feeling again that there is a whole bigger scheme of things going on. I wanna know more!! Keep writing!
"That is their official name for us. Magicians who can’t produce magic, at least not well enough to function in their society. That’s why they send us to Mapleton, known to them as the rustlands. They say it’s because our kind feel more comfortable among humans, but they must know we don’t belong here either or they wouldn’t call us “misfits.”" I think this whole explanation should be cut out. The information about the term misfit is clear throughout the dialogue and events of the chapter so you don't need to spell it out for us right here. Take this opportunity to show us Billie's feelings toward the term. Does she feel resentment, bitterness, apathy, or loneliness? Being labeled or stereotyped stirs up some type of feeling in somebody, especially girls. So instead of explaining the use of the term, use it to make us connect more with Billie.
I feel like you do that a lot. When you explain, it's just an explanation. While we want to know all that information, you need to make it blend with the story. You're trying to tell us about the magic social community, but what we end up reading is just facts inserted randomly at a convenient pause. I found out so much more just by reading the dialogue. And I'm not saying to give us random facts in dialogue form, but to mix it all together. Your story is like a smoothie and the explanations are those big pieces of ice or strawberry that didn't get mixed up in the blender. The smoothie is still really delicious, but those chunks get in the way and don't add to the taste like they could. So put your story in the "blender" of your mind and mix it together a little more so those explanations are no longer just facts but they add flavor and texture to the whole story.
One of the highlights of this chapter was the part when Billie blows up at her mom. Kinda weird to say that it was a highlight when that type of thing in a mother-daughter relationship is far from desirable. But it was so well written that I felt I was the awkward middle child in the midst of the argument instead of someone looking at a screen. The way Billie responded and the things she said were so like her and like a lot of other teens that face problems. But you could totally see how much her mother loves her and is trying to do what's best for her even though it's written from Billie's perspective. Billie probably can't see that about her mom right now in the middle of everything, but it's important you made us realize that.
Overall an AMAZING chapter!! You've totally changed my mind about this story! I'm looking forward to reading more and following Billie on her journey.
Thank you so much. First chapters have always been my weak spot, but hopefully bit by bit It'll get better. I appreciate the time you've taken, and I've been looking for people to share Billie's story with.