Young Writers Society

Hello there, Jasper! I'm Auxii and I'll be reviewing your work today!

So, I read this, then I read the first part, then I came back and read this. And I found the change a little abrubt. I'm assuming it's the same narrator in the first and second part, and I don't know, the switch just seemed a little strange. In the first part, she seems quite heartless and cold as she kills her friend, though she does care, and in this part we don't see that...

A few tiny nitpicks

'coach' in the first paragraph - I think you meant it to be couch.

Outside the sun was shining and there was a faint breeze, it was a beautiful day, blessing such a cursed person.

You can split this into two sentences after 'breeze'. It reads a lot better.

You mix present and past tense quite a lot, so I'd read through and check all of them.

Otherwise:

The interactions between your characters seem a little forced and unnatural. For instance, Alyssa's outburst. If she didn't want anyone to know, she wouldn't really have yelled. Not many people would yell. I'd say they'd hiss or whisper loudly, or something along those lines.

Another thing is the MC's intense hatred of Jacob. It seems to come out of no where - at first she just seems to think of him as an outsider, and then she flashes this hatred on him, swearing and all. I'm not actually against the swearing, though some people may be, because I swear like a trooper, and seriously if someone said stuff like that to me and I didn't like them, I'd swear at them. Thouuuuuugghhhh, so you know for the future, swearing requires an 16+ rating (so if you could change that, we'd be much obliged ^.^ )

And your MC, who I have to call MC because we haven't learnt her name yet - it gets a little hard to connect with the character if we don't know her name...

Overall, I actually want to know more and just see where this is heading, but I think it could use a bit of work.

Hope I helped and keep writing!
Auxii~

Hi JCat,

This is going to be a long one! I gave my review as a fresh reader, and I hope you find it informative. The choice is yours at the end of the day.

Outside the sun was shining...

First, I'd suggest you start this paragraph in a different way, describing how the sun affects (or doesn't) your main character. The issue is that you started the previous paragraph pretty much the same way.

If you do insist on using this line, rephrase it as: "The sun was shining and there was a faint breeze." We all know the sun shines outside. Instead, describe the character moving from indoors to outdoors in a few words before this line.

My car sat in my drive way, it’s old but it’s suitable.

You're mixing past and present tenses here. Maybe you want to play around with the phrasing so you don't have to use the word "it" at all. "My old but suitable (practical is a better word) car sat in my driveway." Perhaps?

...putting the key in the ignition and putting the car into drive.

Read sentences out loud when you finish drafting. Try not to use the same word more than once in a sentence, unless you are doing it intentionally. Play around with the wording to making it a neater sentence.

Is k-love a band name? If so, capitalise it, and rather than saying "something I couldn't go a day without", say "a band/singer/song I couldn't go a day without". You can't assume all your readers know k-love.

It was about ten minutes later when I pulled into my friend Alyssa’s...

Note the rephrasing.

I knew this red-head was never was on time

This is a more natural way to phrase it.

I asked dragging out like a lot longer than needed.

I'm not sure what you mean here. Try and read it out loud. If you are using "like" superfluously, the way it's used as a conversation filler, then delete it. But like I said, I'm not sure what you're saying here so maybe the word is necessary.

...we were ok, embarrassing.

There needs to be a longer break than a mere comma. Try a full stop or "..." Maybe also rephrase as "How/so embarrassing."

Once I found a place to park, Alyssa and I got out and headed for our group's usual meeting area.

Note the punctuation I've added in bold.

-Let’s get one thing clear, Jacob is not our friend. He may act like it at times by hanging around and all but in reality he is not a part of our circle of peeps. –

Firstly, you don't need the dashes, that's not how they are used in writing. Secondly, you switched from past to present tense, and you abruptly shift your voice, and write as if you are talking directly to the reader. This is called breaking the fourth wall, and it can be part of your style, but I think you'd need to be more consistent with it and know when and how to do it. Otherwise I don't recommend it. For me, especially because of the strange dashes, it felt like I was reading a line of "authors notes", which seemed weird. It was like being handed a playwright's script, red pen notes and all, as I entered the theatre to watch their play. What you are trying to explain could be said in a few words at the end of your previous paragraph:

...and surprisingly, Jacob. Oh, wonderful/great/(something sarcastic).

Sarcasm would fit your character because the first thing she says to him fits a sarcastic persona. Also, if you want to use slang words like "peeps", that's fine, but it seems unnatural for your character who has been speaking without slang up until this point. However you decide to voice your character, make sure it's consistent.

It's like ever since I saved his ass he seemed to stick on me like glue, even though we hated each other.

This is an interesting dynamic, I hope you justify it at some point. There has to be a good reason for continuing to hang around someone you hate. Is he trying to get close to another person in the group? Is he addicted to your main character for reasons even he doesn't understand? Whatever your reasoning, make it solid.

...Ryan piped up from beside Lucy's side...

Note the edits.

I noticed you switched between Jacob to Jake, referring to the same character. This can be confusing, and since there is no obvious reason to switch, I suggest you stick with one name.

Jacob was well, different then most of the guys at there school. He had an obnoxious personality

Firstly, rephrase: "Jacob was, well, different..." Otherwise when I first read it I thought you were telling us that "Jacob was well.", as in, the opposite of unwell. Finally, a comment for the last couple of paragraphs... the tension feels forced here. The line that sparked him off was just as confusing to me as it was to Ryan. Give the reader a hint as to why he is like this, prior to the event happening. Some build up is needed for us to believe his anger is justified.

The last paragraph is a lot of telling that should be done by showing instead. Show us the kindness, because at this point I have my doubts and I won't just take your word for it that he's a nice guy. Maybe as he walks off, he drops a smaller kid's books and then helps him to carry them all the way to his class. Then you can add a thought from our main character as she watches him, like "This guy is so weird, you don't know if he's an ass or if he's an angel" It doesn't have to be this exact event, but I hope you get my drift. Another way to do give us the info without flat explanation is to make it a topic of conversation amongst the group where one says he's got issues, and another one disagrees, maybe even mentioning a time he was nice to them once. This method would keep us in the scene, as well as help us get to know this group and our MC better.

The key thing for me is that you need to justify everything these characters do. At the end of the chapter, I don't even know why our (still nameless) Main Character even hates Jacob/Jake. Because I don't understand her hatred, I sympathise with Jacob instead of feeling the same way our MC feels. As far as I can tell, she hates him simply because he's weird, which makes me think our MC is a bully and I automatically dislike her.

I'd like you to drop a few more hints about their history, when she saved him. Something doesn't fit for me. Why would she hate someone whose life she saved? Did she risk her own life? What went so wrong between them that she is hostile the instant he approaches? I am left confused about their relationship, it seems to defy logic a little bit.

About the profanity - again it's a choice of style, but it came as a shock to me. Not because swearing shocks me, but because this language doesn't fit with the character I had imagined from the first chapter. Especially when she is using it to describe someone who, as far as I can tell, has done nothing wrong to her. I'll be honest, when she started her unprovoked swearing, she turned ugly in my mind. If this is your intention, that's fine (tread carefully though, unlike-able main characters may put off many readers), if it isn't your intention, rethink it.

If on the other hand she witnessed a bully teasing someone she cared about and directed her swearing at the bully, I would like her more because suddenly this looks like an heroic trait when the target of the swearing seems more deserving. As it is now, Jake's aggression doesn't turn him into the bad guy, because he is acting in defence while these guys seem like they are just picking on him.

Also, big red flag, no one noticed that Cheryl, your MC's best friend is missing? Now Alyssa's the best friend? Doesn't fit. Even if your characters don't notice, your readers will notice Cheryl is missing from both the text and the emotional state of your MC. If this is meant to have happened before the Cheryl incident, make it clear we are going back in time. Following up logically from chapter to chapter is crucial.

Phew! I think that's all I have. Feel free to ask me anything, or tell me if you agreed or disagreed with any part of my review.