Young Writers Society

I liked it, it has a few things that could be fixed, for example all your I's need to be capitalized, for another in the beginning "A whisper in a corridor; I left you lying on the floor and forgot you". It feels like something is missing, like there needs to be another line; the same with the last section. I liked your repetition of castaway in the third section and I think you should use that again maybe in the 5th section. I love what you've got so far, tunes that would fit instantly come to mind. You should revise it, I'd love to see what it sounds like when it's completely done.

Knight Dragon, here to review!

This line was two beats too short: "thunder washes up where i" (and your I needs to be capitalized).
These three lines seemed to lose the rhythm of the lyrics:
"castaway,
will bones and glass
be your defeat?"
I almost feel like you should repeat "cast away, castaway" here, and in the next "castaway" section too.
This line felt out of place: "the fight’s just begun:"
This section was awkward:
"your ashes are to ashes
as dust is to fire;"
And your closing line felt out of place.

Now, all of that to say I liked it. I instantly got a tune in my head that would fit this song, and having that beat helped me pick out where this felt rough. So I hope this helps!

PS- I disagree with Knight Malachi about "cast away, castaway." I liked it; you should definitely keep it.

Knight Malachi to review for the Knights of the Green Room.

So I saw that every time you have I, it is not capitalized.
i left you lying on the floor

That is an example. there are six to eight more time where you did that. I think this could be put to music. I am not a songwriter, but that is my thought about the musical part.

you’re cast away, castaway,
I don't like that line. But I love the rest of that stanza. I think maybe even just adding the word "a" after you're would help. Good writing.
Keep it up!

Wow, this would be an awesome song. Do you mind if I sing it and maybe make a guitar part for it? I always try to write lyrics because I'm a good singer but I'm not very good at writing songs. You are, though!