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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
I liked it, it has a few things that could be fixed, for example all your I's need to be capitalized, for another in the beginning "A whisper in a corridor; I left you lying on the floor and forgot you". It feels like something is missing, like there needs to be another line; the same with the last section. I liked your repetition of castaway in the third section and I think you should use that again maybe in the 5th section. I love what you've got so far, tunes that would fit instantly come to mind. You should revise it, I'd love to see what it sounds like when it's completely done.
Thank you for your review!
Me not capitalising my "i"s is a stylistic choice on my part - I feel really clunky when I do capitalise in poetry/lyrics, and it's something I don't relinquish easily.
Also! On repeating "castaway" in the 5th stanza: I'll assume you meant fourth - the "will this be/your humanity" section? That wasn't repeated because I have a strict rhythm for that set of three lines of three-three-five (cast-a-way, will-this-be, your hu-man-it-y) that can be slightly embellished but not really. Personal choice, I think, in the end.
Thanks so much for your feedback, though!
Knight Dragon, here to review!
This line was two beats too short: "thunder washes up where i" (and your I needs to be capitalized).
These three lines seemed to lose the rhythm of the lyrics:
"castaway,
will bones and glass
be your defeat?"
I almost feel like you should repeat "cast away, castaway" here, and in the next "castaway" section too.
This line felt out of place: "the fight’s just begun:"
This section was awkward:
"your ashes are to ashes
as dust is to fire;"
And your closing line felt out of place.
Now, all of that to say I liked it. I instantly got a tune in my head that would fit this song, and having that beat helped me pick out where this felt rough. So I hope this helps!
PS- I disagree with Knight Malachi about "cast away, castaway." I liked it; you should definitely keep it.
Thank you so much for your feedback!
See above about capitalising the "i"s - personal stylistic choice, yada yada, I completely understand rules of grammar etc. Poetic license is my CYA moment here.
Also, on "castaway,/will bones and glass/be your defeat?" - I didn't repeat "castaway" there because I do have a bit of a beat in my head, and the first time "cast away, castaway" fits because the following line, in my head, follows straight rhythm versus syncopated in the first line, and it makes more sense to elongate the first line to emphasise the difference between the syncopated and straight rhythms.
A lot of the choices I make with my diction have to do with the speed I pronounce certain words, the influence I put on these words, etc., and I understand that without me reading this out loud or singing it for y'all, it's kind of difficult to understand my reasoning.
Also, the deal with "the fight's just begun" is that I feel that line leading up in intensity to a kind of break/bridge in the music, which is why I left that verse on kind of a "hanging" phrase.
Wow, music is really hard to transcribe when you only have words for it. Hah.
Thank you so, so much for your feedback!
Knight Malachi to review for the Knights of the Green Room.
So I saw that every time you have I, it is not capitalized.
i left you lying on the floor
That is an example. there are six to eight more time where you did that. I think this could be put to music. I am not a songwriter, but that is my thought about the musical part.
you’re cast away, castaway,
I don't like that line. But I love the rest of that stanza. I think maybe even just adding the word "a" after you're would help. Good writing.
Keep it up!
Hi, and thanks for the review!
I don't capitalise my "i"s when I'm writing something that'll be posted as a work on here because I feel like it clutters up my idea and my sound with something completely unnecessary. While in a narrative work I would most likely want to, with my poetry and lyrics I tend to avoid it.
Also, the deal with "cast away, castaway" is that it's supposed to be syncopated rhythm (daa-da-daa, daa-da-daa) to contrast with straight rhythm in the following line, so adding an "a" in there would mess that up just the tiniest bit.
Music is REALLY hard to portray just with words. I'm glad you liked some of it, though, and thank you so much for all your feedback!
OK, I would have to disagree that capitalizing I is not necessary. It is a basic rule in grammar that you always capitalize names. I understand about the cast away, castaway part. It really wasn't that big of a deal, and I understand in music it would flow good.
Hon, it's poetic license - in poetry and poetic forms, such as lyrics, I have my right to manipulate grammar as much as I'd like. It makes just as much sense, and the mind registers it just the same.
Thanks a ton for your comment, though, lovely.
Wow, this would be an awesome song. Do you mind if I sing it and maybe make a guitar part for it? I always try to write lyrics because I'm a good singer but I'm not very good at writing songs. You are, though!
I'd love if you'd like to put this to music! I have a part in my head for it that probably doesn't match up to what you hear, and I'd love to take a look at this with fresh ears!
awesome! We could email or something if you want, so i could send you recordings and stuff :3