-text removed-
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Note: this is one of my entries for the Big Review.
Introduction:
Hey there, Arkhaion! I can't wait to review this piece. It's one of your best works, I think, and (as Rydia once said to me), "we learn the most from having our best work criticized". So, keeping in mind your feedback, let's do this.
Ready? Set? Go!
Content - By Line:
This is obviously a very forceful, evocative beginning, and it establishes the narrative for the remainder of the piece. As a reader, I can immediately begin recognize the narrator's style as a writer (raw, brutally open, etc.), and (functionally) identify him/her as the phoenix referred to in the title.
As much as I love the emotion in this line, and its stark contrast to the first, it seems a bit out of place here. The sudden intensity, although intriguing, feels almost fake without a strong buildup to it. Placing this line later in the poem would be much more powerful and, I think, express more emotion. Or you could remove it altogether, which I, personally, feel might be the best choice--you're maintaining the intense tone of the poem, but moving to it more gradually.
This second "then" seems a bit out of place here. Literal-meaning-wise, it doesn't make much sense, and flow-wise it doesn't, either. Right now, it sounds like, "slowly, then, all to ash, then, leaving embers in my wake". The emphasis (for me) is on "then", which is awkward and takes away from your writing. So I'd remove "then" from the second line here.
What do you mean here? I'm having trouble interpreting this line.
I really want to talk about this stanza because I feel that a few of these phrases aren't as expressive as they could have been for two reasons.
1. "Blood red". Although an intriguing phrase, "blood red" is overused to the point where I have difficulty picturing what you mean. I think you could either remove the line altogether, using the second phrase, "fire red", instead or revise it to be more expressive and unique.
2. "Anger, / death,". These are both tired concepts. As a reader, I find myself becoming bored of these abstract concepts because they're too general to evoke any powerful images. To me, these lines sound almost like a whine. I'd suggest removing them altogether.
The rest of the poem contrasts of this stanza--it's full of novel and alluring ideas--but I felt, as a reader, that this was awkward and oddly impersonal as a segment. I'm not going to suggest any major improvements (you're the poet here, not me), I just want to warn you that I feel like something's... off.
I love this concept. One could argue (and that's what I interpret this poem as) that this the phoenix's fiery regeneration is not, in fact, a rebirth, but a death and a life. When you're 'reborn', your body is not the only thing destroyed. Your mind is, too, replaced ("found") by a new one.
This stanza feels a bit out of place for me, like the narrator is distancing themselves from the reader, simply stating events at this point. A more powerful, raw line would be much stronger here--for instance, you could try removing "I burn", and simply using "and then I collapse / to ash". However, I'd try reworking this entire stanza. It feels awkwardly short... like a placefiller.
I just wanted to say--this repetition is quite beautiful. Excellent job, Arkhaion.
This is again a commentary on my earlier idea, I think, that the "revival" of the phoenix is not, in fact, a revival, but a death and a birth. This is an enchantingly idiosyncratic way to express that idea. I really, really love this. Actually, if you're ever looking for a new title for this, "dead soul walking" would be a nice one.
Now onto resources!
Resources:
Okay, I've got three piping-hot resources for you right here! Come get 'em... :p
1. A unique and inspiring definition of "imagery" that I think you'll find interesting.
Link: http://www.poetryarchive.org/glossary/imagery
2. The National Writing Project has an exceptionally comprehensive how-to guide on emotion and poetry...
Link: http://www.nwp.org/cs/public/print/resource/402
3. Power Poetry created this awesome list of tips about metaphors in poetry.
Link: http://www.powerpoetry.org/actions/7-ti ... -metaphors
The Sign-Off:
Okay. So this poem explores our notions of what life and death and "rebirth" really means... while being intensely beautiful. Brilliant job--I loved reading/analyzing it.
As we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
Your poem is filled with generic and plain vocabulary. There is no specificity; there is nothing to envision. Frankly, there's nothing really of interest at all. I appreciate what you're trying to express here, but I think that the imagery and well, the line of narrative of a phoenix's rebirth is a pretty tired subject. We've seen it over and over again, and when we think of a phoenix, everyone thinks of this same thing -- so what's the point of writing about it? We already have this in our head, we need something new! When you write about a tired subject (which is entirely possible to make interesting, don't worry!) you need to bring something really refreshing and striking to it. I mean REALLY refreshing. You need to pull out something interesting and new and utterly human to it in order to make it effective. Burning, ash, and anger aren't going to cut it here. We've seen it a thousand times. Give us something incredibly vivid and interesting, give us something specific, and this will be much better. Right now there are so many vague ideas and a whole lot of gaps in a story that's been told over and over that I had trouble reading all the way through it.
I hope some of this helped, let me know if you would like to discuss it later.
wow...this is kind of a lot to take in. I like the word choice and, really, the vagueness of what's happening. It makes the reader THINK, which I can appreciate. Makes it deep. I'll have to read this a few times, and in my opinion, that's a good sign. A few conventions nitpicks that I'm not going to cover because I believe content is way more important and someone else will drill you on grammar. One word to describe this poem is just...epic. It's so passionate and you can just see the flames, smell the smoke, feel the heat of the scene that's happening right in front of you. Very good at showing, not telling. Also, I like the idea of the italics in parenthesis. It adds to the suspense and drama.
Love it
That's really all I have to say. Great job.
~ironnovelist