because we are all lemmings

Hi fellow team member! I'm going through all of our team now and offering my opinions on their work. (WE'RE DOING SO WELL BY THE WAY!)

First of all - I love how fantastically random this is! And I was also a massive fan of the game Lemmings when I was younger. What is so enjoyable about watching them fall to their deaths? We're all so morbid.

My favourite part about this:
"On the concrete waves" - I can literally picture the game in my mind with this line & I haven't played it for years and years!

My least favourite part about this:
It's too short! I wish there was more it's so good. I want more reference to the lemmings and how you can compare them with us. How they follow and walk into things with utter faith and how they walk into things blind and unknowing. Sounds like a few of us, right?

Good luck and I look forward to reading some more of your work soon!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

Olive <3

I thought this was a random poem because I didn't know what lemmings where. Don't worry I looked it up!

I get the content and the rhythm but there is nothing astounding here. There are only 7 lines 3 to a line of really simple words. You also repeat "one by one" as if it should be emphasized which I don't quite see why. It is up to you in the end but I would stress that the rule repetition for effect. In which, when you re-write something you write it because it needs to be more effectual and also repeat itself for the sake of reminding the reader.

I guess you can see some deeper meaning but who are you comparing lemmings too? And also why are they being shattered on the waves? I think your writing should lighten up its mysterious ways and give the reader something to get off too.

Hey AncientForever,

Wow. Lot's of meaning and feeling in this poem. First of all, even though it's short, it's compelling. Also, the fact that it's so short makes it even more effective. Yeah, the name needs work, but the format is really good. I'm sorry I'm so bad at helping you with this. I really am trying. Maybe if you formatted it like this.

One by one
They are to jump
One by one
To be shattered
On
The concrete waves.

I don't know if that is a help. But, at least give me credit for trying. Overall, I love it. Great job, and keep writing!

-FCS

I hope you don't mind if I review your poem.

I find this poem very compelling, even though it is very short. In fact, I think its short length adds to its impact. It gives it a great punch of meaning--concise and cynical.

I like how it shatters thoughts of idealism. The "jumping" makes me think of people taking leaps of faith, only to have their hopes dashed on the stark concrete below. The concrete itself gives me a feeling of reality, of something grounded dragging hope down to break on its surface. But the idea of "waves" also gives it another dimension.

I also like the repetition of "one by one." I think it is a very nice device, one that adds to the feeling of hopelessness and gives the feeling that we're all followers, pushed by peer pressure into self-destruction.

I do think the title could be changed to one with a bit more impact. I agree with Jrezek that it would be cool if it were a question, perhaps something like "Aren't We All?" Actually, you'll have to forgive me for my awful suggestions at titles, I think you'll be able to come up with something far better than me, haha.

All in all, this poem is very impactful. Good job, and I hope to read some more of your poems!

I don't know much about deep meanings of poetry, but looking at it from the surface you can maybe see "us" as ants? Or something related to ants and lemmings in that of a small role in society. You could probably go down the lines of being someone or something that is being controlled. Even the day to day life of a boring business man heading to work in a big city like New York could possibly even work!

All in all, I enjoyed reading this a couple times over, because it really got my imagination going. Great poem, great poem. Maybe the title could even be an open question or an open statement?