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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
As it is 4 in the morning I know this all too well.
Your description of fatigue is very well covered. I found myself relating to concepts I had not explored before which pleasantly surprised me.. thought I had conjured every last complaint that I could you proved me wrong.
"cracked veins" bothers me all the other adjectives flow well but to me cracked is out of place.Veins are also a little out of place. I'd either stick objects or body parts.
numbering within a poem is so wrong. It takes from the fluidity of a poem however, I do see what you were trying to do.
The uneven stanza also bothered me it makes a clever poem seem haphazard.
overall I liked this poem as it was real honest and somewhat alternative.fatigue is a universal thing experienced by everyone at some point or another yet very few can tackle the subject as it is very broad but i think you did a very good job.Props!!
keep it up x
Goodness. I love this.
Nitpicks first, yes? When I look at this, it appears as if you are defining disease, crime, destruction, and strength to show fatigue. And when you read it, it sounds that way, but definitions do not contain the word it is trying to define. (Bad example: defn. Cautiously. To act with extreme caution. Cool! Now what does caution mean?) I love the crime section.
It is a crime/ to listen to the strong winds/ and whistling gales in the trees/ and to wish for flight,/ to wish for wings of wax and feathers,/ to wish for anything that will carry the body away from the illness.
My absolute favorite part. When I read these out loud, I actually took out "it is a crime" at the beginning and here because it feels more like a description and feeling without it. Saying "it is a crime removes you from the moment, at least to me. Besides that, I don't see another part that needs any particular word. If you were going for an abrupt ending, you've got it.
When read outloud, it sends shivers down the spine. And I didn't think it would until the end, but the lack of capitalization really works. It gives it a physical side to the fatigue. Although it may be because I know what this is like, stairs and all. However, I think it's the language you use. It's right on creating images in the mind and getting the reader to feel what you (or the narrator) feels. Beautiful.
Thank you for sharing!
*thegreyreality
In actuality, the poem is defining fatigue. I originally had the line "fatigue:" at the beginning of the poem, but took that out and made it the poem's title instead.
I also included the "it is a crime" at the beginning of that stanza to tie it into the stanza before it, so I didn't stray too far from the poem itself.
Thank you for your review. Much appreciated!
So, I really really really like this. Very flowery way of describing things yet not so flowery you can't understand it. A little drawn out but not necessarily a bad thing, as throughout the poem you can pick up the shift of tones as it grows from dark at the beginning to light at the end. The subject of the poem is something I identify with greatly on many levels, and the descriptions are really spot on. I really like the ending, especially since I'm a sucker for profound, short endings. I also really like how, in my opinion, you can feel the story behind this poem through the way its conducted. Poems are useful in that they allow us to convey a struggle we have without outright saying that conflict. Between the lines here you can see that the fatigue isn't really as physical as it is mental, that by fatigue you kind of mean dealing with the weight of the world or the weight of depression or the weight of an unseen conflict. I also like how in the beginning you speak about how the fight to function is really looked down upon by people around you, as that's definitely a part of life when you're struggling to get out of bed.
All in all I like this poem a lot. I think it's very strong and I resonate with the message behind it. Very well done. I hope to see more like it soon!
-Ayden