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125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hey there, Arkhaion! IronSpark here.
I just want to warn you: you may be receiving an over-the-top number of reviews from me in the next couple days. I'm working on a new poetry-reviewing format, and I really love your writing, so... onward!
Content:
I'm going to focus on each of the stanzas individually, if you don't mind. Let me know if there's something you don't understand, because I have a tendency to rant.
This is a strong opening stanza, with a clear rhythm and powerful narrative voice. That being said, I think the first line is weaker than it could be. For me, "love" and "splendor" are too abstract to begin a poem with. This wouldn't be an issue, but the other words in the stanza are so much more evocative--charred and starbursts, for instance--that those words lack a certain power that should come with a poem of this intensity.
I do, however, love this anatomical theme. As readers, we work our way down the body, starting with the eyes, then the throat, then the "charred and empty" lungs. It's a clear path down, and we're swallow your vivid and intense words easily because of it.
My favorite line in this entire poem is "on wings of crumbling wax and sand". It speaks, for me, to the all-too-temporary nature of escape, and is an excellent way to transition to Daedalus'/Icarus' story.
When you say "the color has fled from my life", I take it to mean that the vitality, the vividness has left, and it's become dull and slow and tired. I'd love to see this expanded on, even though you have a stanza format. ("Black and white", etc.)
The rhyming of the final word of each stanza ties the poem together quite well--it's like a string, knotted around "die" and "lie" and "fly", and it's almost subconscious, the way the words fall together.
That being said, I feel like something is missing from the first couple lines. I can't quite put my finger on it--in fact, I just wrote three paragraphs trying to, just to delete them, but it seems more... lackluster than the other parts. It's missing the vividness I've come to know and love in your writing.
Sign-Off:
Sorry for the short review. I hope I was helpful--this is an excellent piece, and I look forward to reviewing again!
Don't forget to be awesome,
IronSpark
Hello there, Anc! Unknown391625 here with another review!
This is great! Though, there is one nitpick. You should definitely edit this the fact that Icarus and Daedalus should be capitalized. It isn't. It definitely should. Anyhow, i love this concept with Greek mythology. It tells about how Icarus flew too close to the sun, which led him towards his death, due to Daedalus's metal wings. It's still great though! I love these kind of concepts. They are definitely my favorite. And the ending you left short so it sounds a little more mysterious. Great! Love it! Also, you categorized the genres and the age rating perfectly. The title is awesome! It fits great with the poem. Same with the description. I could go on and on and on but I can't. I will look for more poems by you, Ancient. Don't give up and always write, my friend!
-Unknown391625
Hello!
My capitalization is a stylistic choice of mine, first of all.
Secondly, this is so obviously a form review that I don't know why I'm even bothering.
Thank you, anyway.
Hey Ancient!
I like the idea of a volatile state. There's just something inherently poetic about it. For me the title refers to the essence of change and reactions, it's explosive and experimental. More interesting, because when I think of odes, I think of the tradition of lyrical, of songs, often times bitter loss. So "Ode to Voltality", the two ideas together, this promises to be interesting!
So, given my expectations, I'll be brutally honest the first stanza disappoints for one reason only: there is no verb! In a poem entitled volatile, I expected movement/action/verbs! I suppose "working its way through" could be like a phrasal verb, but that's exactly my point. When dealing with the art of precision why have four weak words when one would do (burning, clawing, climbing, erupting, etc)
But the grammarian in me aside, I like the image and word choice of starbursts, I also love your sounds and rhythms: splendor starbursts --- behind eyes. Nice, I really enjoyed that lyrically!
For improvements I would suggest a quit edit just rephrasing to help untangle some of the ambiguity. For example, is "love and splendor" the subject that is likened to starbursts? So then is it both the pain and the (love and splendor) that claws its way through the throat? If that's the case, I can understand how the sentiment connects with the question the speaker asks, whether or not you will love me? (Ah, that accursed killer of daises question) Also I've noticed strong vivid words: charred, starbursts; mixed in with some weaker ones: behind, pain, working its way, empty.
Second stanza, the structure of the "repeat" is really interesting. I'm not quite sure what is intended by it, but I liked how it affected me. I think of people talking on radios like, roger, repeat, ten-four! So, there's this sense of may-day urgency in these lines here, at least in my own unique reading. But we do get re-oriented in this stanza, we know the speaker more or less through the allusion, so I get the impression that the speaker is an icarus-like character. In the second stanza the speaker calls for Icarus' father: will you hate me as I lie (to you) and this also provides context for that first stanza as well, perhaps this speaker isn't solely talking about death on the off-chance, but fully intends to throw her/himself into the throng of it.
The third stanza becomes interesting then. Could "losing you" refer to Icarus, or is Icarus a moniker for the "you" in stanza one whom the speaker questions his/her love? There seems to be this shift in the third stanza where the speaker throughout the poem was looking back at Icarus' choices and lamenting them, however, she/he chooses to go forth anyway as the exception "but i know that beauty if meant for me". The "know" in those last lines rings with ambiguity and importance.
And those are my thoughts! Overall, a lovely poem! I feel satisfied with the piece, just not so sure the title matches the rest of the piece (or am I the only one with a strong chemistry evocation with the word "volatile" ?)
Hope this helps
~ as always, Audy