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125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Amazing. It's amazing how you used the very rhythm of this poem to convey meaning almost as much as the words themselves. I read it three times, and then I had to read it aloud. It's like the first two lines of each verse are a little more deliberate with pauses after them, but the next four lines run together, and I found myself talking increasingly faster as I read them, and then suddenly coming to a halt at
"break".
Then comes the last word in the poem, with just as much if not more impact as "break", but with far more closure but also tons of implications.
My goodness, I just read it through again. It's so short, and so impactful--just the right length for what it is. It's unique. And it describes such a real state of mind when the hurts someone has caused another person accumulate to the point that their lies and excuses can't hold them in anymore, and a sudden, existential, change and repentance happens in them, because all of that sin is suddenly laid bare. It makes me want to write a whole novel building up to just such a moment, but the poem stands alone so well, I'm almost disinclined to write anything more.
I think I'm going to read this aloud to my family at breakfast. It's ingenious. Can't think of anything negative to say about it because it seems perfect to me as it is.
Note: this is one of my entries for the Big Review. Enjoy!
Also, sorry if I seem overly-harsh/brief. I'm trying my best, but I'm naturally a procrastinator, so... O.O
Introduction:
Hey there, Arkhaion! I always enjoy reading your stuff, so I was really pleased when I saw your name on my Big Review list. This is an amazing poem... and I'd love to help you get it even more amazing.
Let's do this, eh?
Ready? Set? Go!
Double Line-by-Line Analysis:
I love this idea, but the double usage of "day" seems to dilute your beautiful writing. I'd suggest two things:
1. Replace "day" with "time" or a similar word, and
2. Add a comma before "today", not because it's grammatically-correct, but because it feels like it adds to your cadence in this piece, making it more natural and open.
"i find myself apologising, today,
but it is not a time for empty excuses."
Again, beautiful, just two little things that are nagging at me. "this is a day" seems over-worded here. You could replace it with something like "today is a day", which would be a bit more natural (in my ears, at least). Also--"pull" doesn't seem as strong a verb as it could be. I'd try something like "rip". When someone says "rip", you can almost hear the rrrrriiiiiiiiiippppppp (and you can almost feel it, too).
I like this transition into "break", but it feels a bit unnatural here. The preceding lines are too passive for me... "crumble" feels like the soft, flaky flesh of a pastry, and "break" sounds like the jagged lines of a crackled windowpane.
I'd try almost a physical buildup, like the author can't even hold the words in anymore, they're bursting out with such force. Just an example,
"this is a day that will twist and tear
at every little scrap of loose skin
and rip at my subconscious
until i crumble at the centre and i
can't stay together anymore and i
break."
Nice transition here. I love the cynical, self-deprecating tone you take throughout this piece... nowhere is it reflected more than in this line. Excellent work, Arkhaion.
You have a double usage of "myself" here, which doesn't really turn out to be a problem because it turns out that "for myself" isn't really needed here. So you can cut that out and just be left with "so many empty excuses".
Also, I love the idea of "hollow compliments"! Quite an intriguing phrase... tell me, did you come up with this, or is it a common expression masterfully woven into this metaphor?
As much as I love an alternate spelling (compliment vs. complement), this seems a bit awkward here. You could replace it with a word like "accompany" or with a phrase like "go with".
Oops, adverb alert!
*claps* Brava, Arkhaion! Yet another beautiful ending with beautiful formatting. Excellent job!
Resource:
Only one for today, since this is a bit shorter than I'm used to (and you're awesome). Here you go:
- TheHyperTexts provides an awesome list of famous free-verse poems for you. Enjoy!
http://www.thehypertexts.com/The%20Best ... 20Time.htm
Anyway, sorry for the lack of resources. Your errors tend to be few and erratically placed, so I couldn't really spotlight one area. If you want, I'd be glad to find you a specific resource for a specific topic! Just PM me.
The Sign-Off:
Great job, Arkhaion, and--as we say in my hometown--don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
Whoa.
This is simply beautiful.
My favorite line:
"this is a day that will twist and pull
at every little scrap of loose skin
and tear away at my subconscious
until i crumble at the centre and i
break. "
Breathtaking! I love this line because it so raw and realistic yet full of description.
I can literally imagine every single word that is written down, happening just as I read. But somewhere deep down inside I know it is just a metaphor. Again, it's so realistic, I don't even know which to believe.
"and i will tear at you so viciously
until you look at me and then i
break,
exposed."
My, oh my, oh my, I want to crown you right now, haha!! You took this poem into a direction that I absolutely was not expecting. From self pity to self destruction; I LOVE IT!!!! The seriousness and darkness behind these words just makes my heart stop because it just seems like you take on the personality of the lies themselves! Seriously! With just few words you managed to change the whole course of the poem, making me feel like the victim of these lies watching you threaten to tear me down but in the end there is suddenly a sombre tone....an understanding that they are the source of your ultimate destruction.
My goodness, I am fascinated by this. There is nothing I could dare to suggest you change about this poem, it is amazing and just...damn.
Perfect in all aspects!!! Great Job! You really amazed me with your skill in poetry!!
Keep writing more!!!!
Damn true!
This was an adorable work.
Hi there, LaughMaster here to review your work. I know it's not the best thing to start with, but I found your work quite short. The great news is, I love short works!
This was a truthful attempt.
This was really true. We often make hollow compliments and then feel like an arse. At least I feel, when I fake compliments. You brought out reality in a quick unfolding poetry. Due to its length it managed to grab my attention. Can't talk about technicalities because it's too short.
Final word is I loved it.
Laughmaster's Rating: 8/10
WOW!
This was amazing. I loved how you split the poem in two mirrored stanzas. They linked each other very well. The extra space between the "break" in the first stanza, and then the "break" and "exposed" in the second one, was very effective.
I just loved how the two stanzas worked in tandem with each other. I re-read this a few times, trying to read the first three lines from both stanzas simultaneously. hehe :p