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AF
You've got some inconsistencies in this which really drag it down.
This feels like another one of those poems that is all about the puzzle. So here it goes. When you say "my heart is torn" and follow that up with "my heart is full" we really have to wonder how. If we take a bag, and rip it to bits, it cannot get full, it just drops stuff out, which means we cannot have a full ripped heart, or at least not like that. If we take a bag and just rip around the edge all the way, it becomes half a bag, right? So if, per say, we take a bag and rip it so that it's still bowled at the bottom, we could, in essence have half a bag full. Their heart is still capable of holding more so they could have like a 2/3rd bag and yours could be like, 1/2 bag, or they could both be 1/2 of a full bag full, and in essence, both people are the same, this means, that section of your poem says nothing. Yours is whole is basically telling us they weren't hurt, but you never explain what was hurting anyone in the first place, so it doesn't matter.
The ending of the poem is really unconnected from the rest of it. Look at what? If you're both the same, then why's it matter if you two are separated and the same, or together and the same? It just seems like a poem that's really pushing for poetic, and not really getting anywhere with it.
Overall, I think you worked pretty well with the rhythm aside from the last line which was probably to make it pop. It was good for you to write this poem, but I'm not sure there's anything to really come back to unless you want to look at the last line in more depth. Then, you'd take that last line and go to a new poem and explore the need to be seen by someone the same as you.
Of course I'm using you as the narrator yatta yatta I am not saying that you are the direct narrator and this is confessional.
-Aley
I really think it has good intentions, but you started of on a wierd page. You said you were the one torn but the other person's is whole, but the next second you said different. I can see what you wanted to do, but I think if you add a bit more lines talking about the same kind of situation, it would have definitly made a good differnce. If you said:
It would have definitly gave the poem a "reason" or "line of logic" to follow. I can't really think of the word right now. Whoops. Anyways, great job, keep it up, hope to see more!
I love short poems, I love writing them, and I love reading them. This one confused me abit, if your heart is torn shouldn't it be tattered also? and the other persons would be whole, and full...right? Unless your trying to say that you have the same type of heart both full and torn and tattered and whole. . hmm idk , but I like it.
I reallly like the idea of the poem, 2 hearts as one and all, yet being blind to it. Yeah, great job! might want to add a period to give the poem a complete look. and capitalize M in my. If you take my original advice, switch the " your heart is tattered" with " my heart is tatteredl" Then add a period after that so it will look something like this:
and great job! You've got some great ideas!
My heart is torn,
and your's is whole.
My heart is tattered,
and your's full.
We are separate,
but the same,
If only you would look.
--there ya go!
-Little Lion Woman