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125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hello!
I love the word choice you use in this. Mmm I love the use of velveteen. Makes me think of the bunny.
You have lovely larger images too, with all these embers and stars and moons and lungs and ribs and eyes and night and skies and yes. A lot of heavenly things and a lot of earthly, mortal bodily things, and a lot of sort of hellish things. The themes meshed together quite nicely.
You also say things in here I haven't heard before, which is something that I've been longing for this review day. Everyone kept saying the same cliched things, but here, I'm seeing new things, the stars listening. My, it is lovely.
You do have a couple of over-dramatic things though, I think.
"Ignorance of tomorrow" just kinda sounds like you're trying to be poetic. It would sound less so if perhaps you expanded on it just a bit, saying more clearly that you didn't know what was to come or whatever you meant by that.
Also, you have a lot of good images here, but they seem to be sort of scattered. There isn't really an order to them? Perhaps I'm missing something. Maybe just add in some transition words or something.
Also you mention demons, and my curiosity is piqued at that. Are they like, biblical demons, or are they more demons like envy, despair, and self hatred? I feel like you could expand on that, even giving some creepy-sounding names if it's the more literal demon. It coul dbe pretty cool.
I'd like a few more solid images about the burning. How did the narrator burn? What did it feel like? Why? But as it is, it's okay.
Alright I hope this helped you somewhat! If you have any questions, feel free to ask me! I'm always open to helping c:
Keep writing, always!
~fortis
Howdy! This is Pendr of the Grinches!
There are a couple things that aren't a huge deal, but that I would suggest, and that would be to capitalized the first word of every line. Also, in this title, all the words must be capitalized.
This is a nifty poem with amazing description, and it is beautiful. But I don't think I got a meaning behind it. That could be because I'm so tired, or maybe I just couldn't relate to it on a personal level.
I would truly love to know where the inspiration for this came from!
Thanks for sharing your art on YWS
Firstly, your descriptions such as 'velveteen night' and 'my lungs were embers glowing in the dark' are cleverly thought out and give me something to clearly visualize. 'The man in the moon held my trembling hands,' gives this poem a fascinating aspect which really captures the reader's imagination, (which is awesome.) All I could add is that you couldn't whisper into 'night skies,' instead into 'the night sky.' The metaphor which ends the poem is fantastic and leaves the reader content with such beautiful wording. Thank you for sharing and I definitely want to read more. Have a happy holiday as well!
As I read this my mind painted the most beautiful picture I have ever seen andI just wanted you to know you stood smack in the center of it all. <3<
I have two chief things to say: first, the vagueness is bothersome, but your use of imagery is exciting. I have always despised vagueness; thus it's no criticism to you personally. However, vagueness is only a tool, not the crux of good literature. You say that you burned (That was good actually.); you say that you "reached up to the sky" (with what? your hands?). There's no real description sufficient to tell your reader. Any body part might be assumed. Perhaps you used your hands, maybe your feet, your head, your whole body. Do you see what I am saying? I am not trying to be mean, but it would help a lot if you merely added one or two words to tell your reader what you reached with. It would also be ideal to tell how you were positioned. Are you standing, lying down, sitting, or otherwise positioned? Tell us. You can hardly go wrong with more imagery and description. Can description ever be tedious? Of course, it can; but if you do it properly, good wording is the butter to the bread that is a good story. I do like this poem. In spite of its being free verse, its excellent. Nearly every line is an enigma and a beautiful use of wording. Well done! "Under the harvest eyes of an immemorial god," "I whispered demons' names into night skies," "and as far apart as we were, the stars listened"--beautiful! I commend you. Honestly, I started out mostly critical of this poem; I repent. It's wonderful, but please do consider my advice. At any rate, you've done well! Keep writing, and Merry Christmas too!