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139,316 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
I kind of liked this, but one thing about it is that you could either leave it this short, and it'd be okay, or you could expand on it, and get something even better. I was surprised to see such a drastic difference from line 1 to 4. First you're talking about going to sleep, peacefully, and then saying you'll be dead in the morning when you wake up. Again, it didn't make much sense in the short version, but if you expanded on it, clarified a few things, I think it could be really, really good. Try it, and post it when you do! Keep writing!
I like the idea of this poem.
Some suggestions:
- to make it more clear about the river (of) dreams, I would definitely capitalize it. (River Dreams) I really love that image of all our dreams forming a river
- also, I agree with creativityrules, change the third line to something that further describes your point
This kind of reminds me of a lullaby. I love the haunting beauty of the last line.
Hello there!!
First off, I just want to say that I'm a fan of short poems if they're done very well. For me, if a poem is going to be as short as this one is, it has to be very vibrant and brilliant. In order for me to remember it, it has to be absolutely incredible. I'm not sure that you've done this here.
If I had one suggestion that I think would really help this poem out, it would be to remove the third line and replace it with something that gives me a little bit more information about the story you're telling. I like repetition in poems, but I don't think that you have room to do in this one since it's so very short.
Overall, I like this poem, but I don't love it. Still, it doesn't matter what I think. Always remember that it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about your writing as long as you like it, because, at the end of the day, you're the only one whose opinion matters.
Always keep writing!!
-Rose