In the Hospital

Hmm...

I'm sort of on the fence about this poem because it doesn't have enough description or clarity to really be considered in the depth that it wants to go. For instance, what are they a liar about? If the person wasn't talking to them, then there was no way for them to "keep me safe" which just means that they weren't the ones making the promise. Moreover, why would they think that it would be a promise to make? If they were aware, later of where Death was, over their shoulder, then why would they bother?

The poem seems really convoluted. It's not bad though, it's just more complex than it needs to be. Right now, I think it's an interesting idea that's trying to deal with death through a third party, in this case, the hospital. There are a lot of people who die from hospital accidents, so it is an important topic, but at the same time, it's also dealing with promises that cannot physically be kept. I think that's the more important question, does that make us a liar?

My answer, is no. We are not a liar if we literally cannot keep our promise because it is out of our hands. If he was alive, he would forgive her for not being able to keep him alive because it was a misunderstanding, so there's no reason for the person to feel so broken up because of it. I don't think that makes them "god forsaken" at all.

However, that's just my opinion. The poem is telling us that someone who does not keep their promise, even if it was not intended for them to make it, would be a liar. Honestly, I don't think someone who doesn't keep their promise is considered a liar in my book. I consider them a dishonorable person, but not dishonest. I don't see honest and liar as polar opposites, truthful and liar, yes, but would we say that keeping a promise is being truthful? True to their word, perhaps, but truthful? That's such a strong sentiment to make.

So overall, I think you picked the wrong subject for an interesting question.

In the poem itself, we could use some improvements by keeping the figurative language down, such as the "formed of leaves in autumn's wind" line is pretty useless.

There are also some pacing issues. We have some transitions in here, but not all of them are completely clear. Some of how we can fix this would be adding stanzas to pace things out better. I think if you added stanzas, because it's such a segmented image-driven poem, we'd get a better understanding of when there's a scene change.

Also there are clarity problems. What does "I helped the doctors draw to keep him/from living through their stares" mean? this is not concrete enough to understand.

Fixing these things up would be useful for this particular poem, but I think it would be easier if you took the idea and ran with it in a new poem just to see what happened.

Aley

Thank you both for commenting, my dears.

I have to say that I have no clue what relation the speaker is to the subject; I only know that they were close at some point or another. That's how it is with a few of my poems.

I have actually been thinking of rewording a few parts of it to make it more clear what it says, but I have to say - Devan, in you second quote (the one about the curtains), the most that could be done to improve the syntax would be to add the word "that" before the second line. All the rest is grammatically correct and acceptable (not to say that I wholeheartedly love it myself).

I've been thinking of swapping out a few words and punctuation marks as well, so thank you for these comments oh-so-very-much - I'll definitely take it into consideration. As for the title, it was the only thing I could think of at the time, and I get awfully self-conscious when I start going into titles like "Untitled III" (which was the original name of this piece when I wrote it, before some of my friends weighed in and I brainstormed a bit. It is actually my third untitled piece besides those I never bothered to number).

Like I said, thank you so much Devan and Briggsy!

Hello there!
This poem was very interesting and emotional. The details you use when describing the events really contributes to the reality of the piece. Aside from that, there were several things that could use some improvement. A lot of this is just going to be my opinion, so don't take it too harshly ^^

Okay, just kidding. Let me just go through this a couple lines at a time and I can make my suggestions then.

his fingers tighten around my hand,
and I know I am shaking, a trembling liar.

yet I am invisible, fading into the curtains
I helped the doctors draw to keep him
from living through their stares.

he smiles up at me, but it is not at me he smiles:
it is a figure over my shoulder that receives
the ending grace of his words.

we all depart:
he to a happier place than I,
the reaper to his duties once more,
I to make my excuses to his family and tell them
there was no way to save him.
I am nothing but a godforsaken liar
formed of leaves in autumn's wind,
my every shiver betraying my whispers,
less credible than death.

Hi there!
This poem both intrigued and confused me... but in a good way! It has an element of mystery to it, because I'm not entirely sure what is going on, even though I know that it is brilliantly written!

keep me safe, he whispers, and I nod,
and so does death. we all depart:
he to a happier place than I,
the reaper to his duties once more,