where reality wilts

Hey Ancient! Dogs here with your review today! Great piece you got here, very strong topic idea and it is very originally so good job on that. I think the format really stands out to the eye, how you have written this does leave an impact on the reader. Now really quickly, I highly suggest that you add some more grammar to this piece. It would make it flow so much smoother if you added in periods, commas, and all that jazz. I think when and where you put the periods and commas is entirely up to you as the writer and so is the decision whether or not to use grammar, but I think it would sound better if you did use the grammar.

Now the first line, great opening, abstract makes the reader want to continue reading.

"secluded from the world and we're waiting for the sun"

The "secluded from the world" part is great, really adds more depth and emotion to this poem. However,the "and we're waiting for the sun" doesn't really fit in my opinion. Rhythm wise it is really choppy and in some cases that can be good for your poem but not in this case. You really drag this line on and the "and" is the big factor for throwing off the rhythm. I suggest you either break this line up into to different ones or shorten it a little.

"fogging up the window to the alley and the gun"

The first line of the second cuplet is great. Imaginative and strong I really like that part. Now this line has a slightly different problem than the previous problem. It doesn't make much sense, it has great imagery but as a reader I am confused. Where did the alley and the gun part come from? How does the alley and the gun have any relationship to each other or the fogging up of the window? These are some big questions you should clear up as a writer so that your poem is choppy and doesn't make sense.

The third cuplet is great, strong metaphor and analogy. I really love it, thats the kind of writing you need to apply to the rest of your poem.

"figurative knives and figurative liars"

Now the second part of the last cuplet is good, ties back to the beginning well and it provides a good closing to this piece, however this line... again it dosn't make much sense, how does this tie back into the poem its self? How does this have any relevance to making this poem stronger? Also, by now the figurative part is getting old, if you are going to do repitition spread it out sparatically and in different places, not at the beginning of a stanza cuplet or line every time. That gets old very fast as a reader.

This is a good poem but you have so much more ways to make it a great poem! Keep up the good work!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

I love how you kept it short, it is a very nice poem

figurative lies from figurative foxesfogging up the window to the alley and the gun

Just from reading, this seems very good. Now to analyze and critique...

Love the parallelism throughout - very tight, keeps a focus and the reader's attention. The rhyme
I'm ambivalent about. On the one hand, it cements the parallelism; on the other, with such short
lines you don't really need that extra emphasis and it might drag on your readers a bit (even in
such a short piece).

The last line has one syllable too many at "know our escape," and that throws off the rhythm. Perhaps
change it to "know our 'scape." That cuts out the awkward syllable and adds depth of meaning if you
want it.

The repetition of 'figurative' together with the real, solid imagery creates an odd blend. Does the
reader trust what is presented on the most direct level, or does it have multiple meanings that go
deeper into the speaker's mind?

Very good poem overall! I can't admit to getting the message / story, but I suspect that is because the
intricacies of it are escaping me at the moment. Cool stuff, keep writing!