A Farewell to Sunlight

Hey Alfalfa,

This poem has a really good rhythm to it. You've developed that very well and even with the enjambment, there is still the rhythm which is almost mimicking iambic pentameter. There are a few lines that start on the wrong beat, like the first one, but the da dun da dun can easily go into the poem and that indicates to me that the attempt was an iambic beat. You did very well in that respect.

Your biggest problem in this poem is the content and the punctuation. Right now you're dealing with an iambic beat but very little content that's getting us much to talk about. Words are weapons, this has been said before, and will be said again. You use old language habits in order to express that, which leaves much to be wanting because we don't get much from those words any more. To 'endlessly seek the wonder of a rainbow' and a dell, basically means to be a homeless vagrant now, or a poet. This just says something we already know about someone using words, they're using words in a way that's not gaining them any profit and that's yielding in boring things to listen to, just the scenery. Instead of saying that 'we use words as a weapon; here's a landscape.' make the case in a different, stronger way which supports your original presumption.

I'll make my case clearer. This will go line by line with a rough translation into my own extended words.

When we start the poem we are told that words are nothing but weapons.
These weapons are those who cannot support themselves, and are seen as wanting something in society; the weak's weapons.
The weak are desperate - pretty obvious if you ask me, but okay.
The weak are among the immortal because they can endlessly look for something.
The weak spend their time looking for rainbows.
The weak spend their time in places we don't see.
The weak are constantly enshrouded in winter.
The weak are constantly enshrouded in winter.

Here are the weapons words represent.
They're supposed to be able to kill armies somehow.
Yeah, even the weak don't believe they can kill armies.
You and I are both a part of the weak.

So this is a paraphrase done line by line of your poem. Basically, you say words are nothing but weapons, but you don't support it at all, and you don't even really talk about what those weapons are, or how they're used, just things that are related to the weak, and what they want to find through using those weapons as a defense. If you changed the weapons to "the wonder of a rainbow" etc. then you might get a stronger message from this poem.

Then there's punctuation. If you fix it up, you should be fine. Just add in punctuation where it's needed so that we don't get this one-off comma thing going on forever. It's hard to read like that without falling into line-stops, and that's not really how it's supposed to be read. So either take them all out, or put them all in.

-Aley

Hey, Ancient!

I like this piece a lot. A writer can definitely build castles in the sky and it can be that very castle that ultimately might destroy the writer's reputation. You've opened up the whole piece really well, with a seamless flow and a thought-provoking tone.

Despite the wonderful imagery though, I find myself thinking quite contrarily to the belief of the poem. I don't really think writers are weak in comparison to others since it is their writing that allows them to express their thoughts and emotions and to me, expression is a writer's greatest weapon - strong and bold. So I do feel that the last line really put down the plight of writers all over. But I do really appreciate the sentiment you are trying to portray in your point-of-view. And who's to say that you aren't partly right?

Kudos to you, for putting up such a well written and thought out piece that really expresses your talent as a poetess. It's a great context that I'm sure many readers will ponder on. I'm looking forward to reading more. So keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

I don't think I've read something quite this brilliant in forever. It's amazing. I love the context of it. I also love the rhyming, and just how it sounds! It sounds like it's something from ancient Greeks or something. It's probably just me thinking that, but whatever!

Great work -- keep it up! :3

I actually had "constantly" there before "incessantly", but I changed it last second before posting it here as a kind of afterthought. That is a good idea to get rid of "their" before desperation, though - thank you! It's no problem that you couldn't find much to critique; I appreciate anything that comes my way.

Ancient! <3

I’m not usually one for rhyming poetry, but I actually liked this little lyrical slab. It reminded me of an Irish folk singer I used to listen to, Frank Turner. Or maybe it just reminds me of Irish ballads in general. The rhythm is enjoyable once you’re well-adjusted, and the rhymes don’t feel greatly forced. So, as it is, you’ve done a good job. Now, my only notable issue hides in the second stanza.

It’s just a repetition of an idea you posed in the beginning of the poem—though that actually may fall under the style of the poem. In all honesty, you may’ve left me without things to critique. Words are weapons that we as writers use to our advantage. We imagine far-off lands and fantastic things, and can fashion our words into the weapon we need. Not sure I would call myself dark, but whatever floats your boat doesn’t sink mine.

I do want you to be sure that you’re writing the lines intentionally. Yeah, there’s rhythm to worry about, and there’s your rhyme scheme, and that’s always going to be a hindrance, but you have talent—I’ve seen it across the site, so you can’t deny it—and I know that you can handle some critical editing. So ultimately, it’s up to you if you want to go deeper. I apologize for being rather useless for this piece—I’m much more of a free-verse guy.

Oh. line three, I don’t think you need “their”. It rushes ‘desperation’ too much, and the line would work with the syllables without it. Similar can be said of line four—“incessantly” doesn’t quite flow well at all. Try to replace it, yes?

I hope this helps a little. Let me know if you have any questions or comments!

-Lumi