Singing Red

This is a good poem.

I like this one. Literally I liked this one. I wasn't expecting this, but this is a vast improvement over Hidden.

So why I liked it, it's a real event, it's very concrete, it's something I've experienced, it's simple and uncomplicated, it's starting to dig into something a little deeper, it deals with a human emotion of being left behind, it deals with it in a direct light with specific detail about what the feelings are in the poem, and it has a lot of color and life.

A little slower now.

It is a real event. I have a cardinal that actually lives in a bush by my kitchen sink and I see him and and I don't and I know how this feels. There are also finches and doves and crows that I see around the yard, and robins. We have a lot of robins. This is so relatable to me because I know exactly what it's like to say "Oh, they've gone away for the winter," and wonder if they're coming back or if they'll pick a different bush to hide in next time. My cardinal doesn't sing, but the others do, so the songbird sensation really plays on a whole different level of awareness going from just a bird on a wire, to a bird that's searching for a mate, or marking it's territory, or scaring off other birds, and that is something that we can all relate to because birds are everywhere, but it also makes it more of a real event because birds aren't quiet, and it gives a second dimension to this. Then there's also that the bird is on a wire, this other detail also adds more dimension because we know that the bird is up high, not down on the ground or in a bush, but sitting over the territory checking things out. Then you add a sensation of warmth or a chill of spring depending on where you are, and the image of flight, which all wraps up into an event that really is a whole event. This makes it a real event, and does so wonderfully. This also plays into how it is concrete, and something I've experienced, and how it's simple and uncomplicated.

Lets move on to the good things you did with the emotions of this poem. "singing your heart out to the world" is a very emotional line. It's a line assuming something about the bird, and personifying it almost because we think of a singer of human music singing their hearts to the world, not really birds. This brings the bird into the realm of the human and allows us the next line, "where no one listens to you" which is such a human emotion of being ignored, it's such a deep seeded fear for some people and, for others, such a deep seeded joy. Singing in the shower, after all, isn't singing for an audience, and I think that the fact you added this line in is a really good way to relate it to more than just one type of person. We either feel an emotional drive of loneliness or a thrill of being alone. That taps in to the last two words "without me" because there we have a clear indication that it's a lonely feeling, even if it is alone. It's a longing that's being spoken to go with this bird, and that wraps up the poem in a way that leaves us wondering if it will come back, just like we do wonder sometimes if it is the same bird as before.

So onto the critique. I don't like your style for this poem. I think that this is a bit more rigid than a poem that has no punctuation aside from a single dash. I don't think the dash is very well used either. I think that line, honestly, could just be removed. I know you, and you know me has no way of being proven and it's not really adding much to the story. I think if you took it out, you wouldn't miss anything, especially since the bird could, and usually is, completely oblivious to it's human counterpart. There are some that get used to certain people, but it's pretty rare and takes quite a bit of sight to fish through. Honestly, I'd say if you added in some punctuation and capitalization, you could have a better poem.

The reason I say this is because while it reads really smoothly right now, there are a lot of different ways to read it and this would give us more of the syncopation that you would actually read it with yourself. There's also no real reason for me to have it lower cased and un-punctuated. There's a sense of no ending without the period at the end, but you don't have to add all of the punctuation in.

So my suggestions are to remove the fourth line and do a test run of punctuation and capitalization to see if you like it or dislike it.

Good poem.

I really do enjoy these short poems of yours. I'm not a big poetry reader, ask anybody, but I do like the subtlety of your work. And the simple lines, the quiet images. There is no climax, no denouement; rather a nuance, a bump in the road. Again with this, you stir something in me, and you don't waste any words.

Well done, I will look forward to more from you.

JP

I understand about the capitals. This is one of my works that has nothing capitalised at all, which was common for the "phase" I was going through at the time. More of my works have some capitals than others; some have none at all. A majority have capitals on the personal I's but no other letter. It really depends on when I wrote it.

And I might get rid of the punctuation to simplify it - now that's a thought! Ridding myself of punctuation instead of adding more. - edit - I did get rid of the commas; it looks simpler now, and I think I like it. I might not, though, so I'm going to keep another version with the punctuation intact. ^^

Thank you!

Short, sweet and to the point. I read a bit in depth on this and it made me a bit sad reading it. It tells me about loneliness and how sad it is to be left behind. I would like to see some more emotions in here, stronger words maybe. Also, I would get rid of the punctuation in it, all except the dash. There is only one comma so it feels really unnecessary, plus the lack of punctuation gives it a much more simpler look I think. That would be about my only critique because it really is a good poem.

Ciao! Write more like this!

Sad poem, but quite beautiful
I made a connection between the bird and the wire, as though this is it's 'life line', like a wire to someones heart. This singing allows it to release bad energy and so he sings so that he/she can carry on.
Only thing I would say, and it's only very petty, but capitals should be appropriately placed.