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125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hey Anc, Writer here!
Poetry is more my type of writing, so I'll do my best with this poem.
I'll go through nitpicks first, what can be worked on, and then praise
Nitpicks!
And done >.< Nothing that really stuck out grammatically that needs to be changed.
Hmm, I'm not sure I like the semicolons here. I mean, mainly I despise the use of semicolons in poetry, and I just feel like they're unnecessary here. I'm not saying you need to take them out or anything, but why did you use them? All punctuation serves a purpose in poetry, so you must have a good reason as to why you used it here. I would've preferred a period to end the stanza, but if you have your reasons (since your last stanza has a period) you can keep them.
Not really a nitpick, but I don't understand the use of commas here in your first two stanzas/ Both lines have a comma, but the pause you create just doesn't seem right to me. Perhaps you can tell me why you have the commas here.
The imagery is great (I LOVE "your breath mists the faces of every mountain we scaled") but I'm not feeling almost anything. I can almost feel the breath on my face (creepy) but I'm not experiencing any emotions. I'm not sure how you want to fix that, so I'll just leave it out there for you to know.
Also, be careful with repetition, too. You wrote "mountains" twice, and unless there is some sort of connection, I would use a synonym for mountain (hmm, but there's not really any) Maybe you could describe the mountain, like "rocks rumble under my feet"? (Hey, it was worth a shot and you've got some good alliteration going for you
Praise
I loved this. I really did. I read your response to another review and can definitely understand what you said. I, too, have a family member that's been distant, and my family and the relative haven't talked in what seems like forever. It's sad to have family broken apart, but you move on and still love them. They are family, after all.
not that it is here, anyway-_-. Keep up the great work, anc! I'll try to be more helpful next time >.<As far as punctuation goes - whenever I write free verse it tends to be... well, very free verse. I wanted there to be a larger pause between the stanzas, kind of to give a disconnect. Concerning "is it winter, where you are?" - the comma felt right, and it was also a way of me trying to prevent the line from being misread. (I also just do not like the sound of that line when it's rushed through without that pause. It's an important line, dammit xD)
Well, technically there is a connection between the mountains. I don't mean to delve into the "everything's a symbol! I'm a symbol! you're a symbol! we're all symbols!", but I wanted to evoke a kind of - well, I suppose not everyone feels this way, but mountains have always been distant and lonely, for me. I know I didn't do the best job of portraying that.
No I totally understand all that you're saying. I knew you had a reason for everything, i was only pointing it out
I hope I didn't sound harsh or anything.
Oh, no, I'm sorry that I DID sound harsh - I was very tired and very much... not feeling it last night. Thanks so much for your review, darling!
It's perfectly fine, and you're welcome <3
As requested, I've come with my portable torture chamber.
Therefore, as the creators of the reading material, we should not set up the readers to connect with the narrator too much (the exceptions being to set them up to connect to familiar senses and general emotions). You said that you left it open ended, as if this poem is a choose your own adventure book in which you have to fill in all of the names. If it was any longer, I don't know if people would enjoy having to fit themselves and the other person into the poem. Add in more specific details about your father. Really make it about that. People are going to connect with that too, if you still think about that kind of thing after that. The full essay that that quote is from can be found here.1)
I have no idea what this poem is actually about. Obviously there is a theme with coldness and winter, which suggests negative things, generally, so we do have a tone. Also we have distance between the narrator and this other person. However, the nature of the distance and the relationship is unknown, as the narrator only really talks about how they feel, and not why or how the distance exists.
From your comments, I have deduced that this is about the narrator and their father. However, there is no clue of that in the poem, and it shouldn't be as open ended as it is. As Vladmir Nobokov said,
2)
This poem feels quite circular. There are only two lines in which the narrator is remembering the other person. Does that mean that the other person fills them with contentment when they are thought of? However, you do say that it's "even" when the narrator forgets him that this stuff happens, so does that mean it happens even when the narrator remembers him? So basically, is the narrator describing all the time whether they remember him or not? I think that a distinction between remembrance and forgetfulness needs to be made, and the effects that they have, in turn, on the narrator.
3)
It all sounds very poetic, but I cannot see/feel some of the images. The second line in particular is throwing me off. Perhaps you should make it into something a little different. If we put "even" in front of the second line, and remove it from the third, I think we have an improvement already. It also makes the third line improve in clarity.
Nitpicks:
There should be no comma in the middle of your first line. Also where it is repeated.
In the second stanza's second line, I suggest adding "as" before the line, and a comma at the end.
Is it important that the narrator has bare feet? It seems out of place, and I don't see how it serves a purpose. In poetry, every word counts.
Your third stanza would feel better broken up like this:
"hollowed" doesn't feel like quite the right word. "Emptied", while a bit more common than "hollowed", doesn't quite give the sense that it is a negative feeling: it makes me think of how dugout canoes are made, by hollowing out an old log. However, when the hollowed thing is finished being hollowed, it's a good thing because it's another boat, a tool for use. Emptied has more of a negative connotation for me (take this one with a grain of salt).
I think adding more punctuation might be a good idea.
Altogether, add specific details and try not to talk in circles.
What I liked:
I really like the cold feeling that this put into me. It isn't a physically cold feeling (it's 93 F here), but it's a lost feeling, as if the narrator is wondering why there is a distance, and yet a connection, between them and the father. My favorite line was
I hope that this proves helpful to you! Happy poeting!
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(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
Thank you so much!
I am very guilty of talking circularly in a lot of stuff I do, but it's difficult for me to see it until I take a huge step back from the work. I know it's something I really have to work on now, though, so I'll have to see about... actually working on it.
Specific details, too - I think there's a reason I don't like adding those, and that's... Well, I have this friend who's also a poet on a different site, and that was always their style, ~all~ specific details. It felt like cribbing, while I was still friends with them, so it kind of became a habit for me to use vaguer language. Now that I effectively talk to no one I befriended before the age of 15, I think I'll have to look at getting that into my work, too.
I will definitely take a long, hard look at all of these points, and see about changing some of this, not just in this poem, but in the parts of my works that need it the most. Thank you so, so much.
This is such a lovely piece and I am so glad I ran into it.
The language you use is so sophisticated, and the metaphors are so original, which I absolutely adore. I think you definitely made your point.
"The whispers surge through me an avalanche of sound." This line is just so beautiful, wow.
This piece overall is really, really great.
~FearlessLove4
Hello! Retro here for a review.
I'll do some nitpicks then talk about what I liked, okay?
You have a lot of sort of repetition in your piece, which works well, however the repetition of the line "is it winter, where are you?" I don't think works. I think you could reword it in a similar format to what you've done elsewhere, such as with the idea of whisper, and it would stop the jilting it caused.
"The sun is cold on my skin
even when I forget you"
Now I liked abstract imagery but I cannot for the life of me figure out what you mean here. I like it don't get me wrong but for me it doesn't convey any solid message, or I meant be totally overlooking something in which case I am sorry!
However, that being said this poem is actually quite beautiful in a harrowing sense. You have a really nice ebb of ideas, and I like how it's written. And you encapsulate the whole loss/breakup thing within the idea of whispers and mountains. I especially love how you use the idea of whispers, I think it really brings the piece to life and makes it what it is.
Well done!
Keep it up,
~Retro
First of all, the line is "where you are", not "where are you" - that might help a bit. All of the imagery in this poem is tied into that core concept of winter in a faraway land, where the long-lost is, even while it's summer where the speaker is. "The sun is cold on my skin" is a reference to how in winter, when it's sunny, it's still chilled.
I honestly hope that cleared things up a bit. Thank you so much for your review!
This poem is either about a mountain-climber whose companion died or something a little more ambiguous. I dunno. Anyway, a poem is good if it triggers some deep thinking-and that's what this poem did. I liked it a lot. It was mysterious and got me shivering because of all the cold descriptions. Damn you! Now I need more layers!
Nice Job
Haha. Actually, for me, this poem is about my father - I haven't spoken to him in two years, but I can't bring it on myself to forget him or hate him. He helped me through such a hard time in my life.
For some people, it might be about a best friend, or it might be about a lost love, or their dog or cat, or a different phase of themselves. I try to leave other people's interpretations open, and let them see what they want to see in the words.
Thank you so much!