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125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that this poem kinda reminds me of a poem is wrote few years back and could somewhat, relate to the people around us since now the news in one the TVs or you can just download an app and read the newspaper, swiping left or sometimes right. Also the tone of this poem could be described as helpless or the newspaper boy could be used as an example as symbol since when you think about it, the boy is an example of the old times or how the people now can look the history on an app.
i didn't enjoy that you put tiny and tinier in the same sentence since it is almost like repeating or something. Here's a link that could be used to replace tiny: http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/tiny. It could help you or something (just a idea). Also how would people looking a tinier screens, describe someones life so well?Throughout this poem, there was somethings that seemed to be looking at me in the eye. For one,
The end of this poem kinda confuses me since does it mean that he has died? or maybe in the dream he is having, he is standing on the axis of the world? If you could explain that more, it would probably make more sense (to me that is).
this stanza seemed to also confuse me since i thought this was about a boy, not others boys (you said one boy, which confused me). Also what do you mean by he is last week's edition? Does it mean that he was forgotten last week or maybe he the last week's use of the newspaper?
i would think about changing sore or blistering since they both sound the same (in their own way yet they both mean pain). Also i was suggest maybe put a comma after blistering since the thought is still going on.
Overall, I would think that people could relate to this and the point that i think you are trying to make is that, the new life is taking over the old life with the internet beating the typewriter. (or something similar)
Farewell,
Tuesday
Well, as far as your critiques go%u2014I intentionally used tiny and tinier in the same sentence, because the repetition is a key part of this poem. It's kind of to show that things can serve the same purpose and make someone or something obsolete.
"he is last week's edition" basically means that he doesn't matter any more. He's not up-to-date, he doesn't have the right news, he doesn't serve a valuable purpose except as papier-mache or a carpet for painting a room. Who reads an old newspaper?
"sore" and "blistering" serve different purposes, to an extent, in the wording of the poem. It's kind of the repetition thing and kind of that they are different ideas, no matter how closely related they may sound. They're quite distinct. Also, it's not really a continuation of the thought to put a comma there%u2014the papers have little relation to the thumbs, except enough to be put in the same stanza.
Thank you for your review!
Well you've improved already in 2011 from the original few poems to this one.
There are some key problems with this poem still, which mainly revolve around a theme I've been seeing with your poems, disjointedness. This poem itself has many points where it's very disjointed and perhaps that was the point, but I don't think this particular one was what you were looking for.
I like the sections that fit together well. I like that you're talking about deeper themes, and you're really trying to explore the different relationships that happen because of those connections, like news on phones vs news in paper. It's a good thing to look at. At the same time, we're sort of in an alternate universe where there are news boys and cell phones because honestly, the newspaper I remember was always delivered to the stoop, and not bought by a newsboy riding around on a bike at all. If the boy was riding around, he was delivering papers he had for each of his houses, not to sell them to people walking to work. Perhaps that's just because I live in a suburbia, but that seems off to me. In a city, there would be news stands or news papers in coffee shops. I don't think they'd send them out with boys to get sold. That seems like child-labor to me.
it especially seems like child labor when you say that there will be no dinner because they couldn't sell anything. I mean, these kids would be fed because of food programs if they were poor enough to need to sell papers in order to get food, at least, here. I don't know exactly how things work around you but this is completely out of my experience. That's what makes it hard to relate to.
The most disjointed part is the last stanza though. Who is he? is he the starving child? Why would a starving child believe he was the axis of the world if he can't even get attention from people to buy his paper? There's something wrong here.
I did like that you were trying to make a figurative move with "October leaf" because of a leaf of a paper and a literal leaf because it's fall. That was nice. I also liked that the kid decided to just play because, well, he can't sell anything anyway.
Overall I think the biggest thing you'd have to work on is connecting the last stanza to the other stanzas. What is this kid doing that's causing them to laugh? What's going on here? I think if you did that, we'd get abetter sense of who these people are and be able to relate to it better. Also, try to see if you can narrow down a time-frame by including more information about what's going on. Maybe pop in some news headlines.
-Aley
Fiery Salutations
I should like to thank you for all the wonderful reviews you have written thus far. I still need to review a few poems, and seeing as you only write poems, it works out perfectly!
Also, do not worry about the British English - I use it myself and I consider it infinitely better than American English.
Don't let my American friends hear me say that, though...The first thing I notice about this poem is that it lacks a definite rhyme scheme and meter, and even the amount of lines in the stanzas differ. This makes for a very flexible approach, but remember, when writing in such a manner, your free rhyme needs to be very effective, seeing as the other elements of a poem which would usually have supported you, are missing in this one.
This line (line 3, stanza 1) seems to be very awkwardly constructed and it reads with much difficulty. The rest of stanza 1 is fine though, and already an atmosphere (or mood) for the poem is created.
The second stanza is much more effective. The indifference of the passersby are clearly and successfully depicted, and the last line of said stanza is particularly powerful.
The third stanza is much more symbolic than the rest, however; the falling of the boy fits nicely with the fall of the autumn leaves, and the imagery is superb. I find that the last line of the concerned stanza, once again, relays the emotion of the text in a suitable manner. The fact that it is a metaphor obviously assists in this sense.
The last four paragraphs all seem to flow together, but not in a bad manner - they create an effect of continuity, but the feelings they convey are raw and carry far more emotion.
This is a very impressive poem, and I think you perfectly communicated your message. Thank you for sharing this with us.
by Team Rocket.
Hello there!!!
First off, I think that this piece has quite a bit of potential. There are some elements of it that I absolutely adore, and others that I'm not as fond of. I'll start off by reviewing the first stanza.
I genuinely like most of this stanza, I really do. But somehow I think that the second line throws it off just a bit. The words you used seem a bit plain compared to ones utilized in the other lines. This is just my opinion. If you added a little something to make that line more interesting, I think that it would really benefit the poem. I don't feel that you need to delete the line from the poem as it adds to the meaning of the whole thing, but I do think that you should change it until it fits the poem better.
This is my favorite part of the poem. I love the words that you used and the feeling of this stanza. Reading this painted a picture in my mind. It was very enjoyable to read.
Other than some punctuation and capitalization errors that I spotted and that I'm sure you'll pick out when you edit this yourself, I don't see very much that needs improvement. Great work!!!
Always keep writing!!
-Rose
Hi, Owl again. I really liked this, it had a deep meaning that I could see and relate to. I hate how everyone needs the new phones and computers, and I-pods, while classic things like news papers and letters are forgotten. I am 14, nearly 15, and though I knew how to address a letter, I still addressed it wrong. I have a friend who is nearly 17 and doesn't even know HOW to address a letter. This saddens me more than anything. So this poem really clicked with me. I enjoyed your portrayal of the evolution of technology. Keep up the great work. 5 owls out of 5.
Will be back to review, probably this weekend.