Soldier's Lullaby

Hey AF,
Aley here again.

At first I thought this was something of a children's dream because of the wording and the way that the story comes around. "Crawling off to sleep" is very indicative of a goodnight story, and I like that because it's a soldier's "lullaby" and not something that's really adult.

This poem really gets me thinking though, which is a nice thing about it, but I'm not sure if I'm thinking about the right things. For instance, how does the last line fit into this poem? Are all Soldiers heros? Are they all representative of "death from above?" What does that even really mean? I find that the first part of this story and the second part, really don't match up that well. For instance, if we think about this as one person talking to another, we have a soldier, who is crawling into bed holding their gun, scared of nightmares, which might be real for them.

This person is trying to protect themselves from people who are mutated, and considered nasties. That's not well defined. First of all, if we consider who soldiers fight, it's other men, usually fit men who don't have amputations or mutilations. Why would these men be considered nasties? What makes a "nasty" person? Moreover, the third line implies that because these men are mutilated and nasty, they don't know love or passion. That just seems rude. What does love and passion have to do with soldiers anyway? These people are just people fighting for the causes they believe in. They aren't going to war because they have a passion and a love, they're going to war for their own individual reasons.

So we start out with a person laying in bed with a gun. They're fighting off nightmares, perhaps figurative enemies, perhaps monsters under the bed, I'm not sure. The distinguishing characteristic of these Not-The-Guy-In-Bed people is that they don't know passion or love, even though they think they do. Last, we have a rallying cry.

This cry of "You'll show them" to me is a very aggressive thing. You'll show those neophytes what they're really supposed to be like. You know the right way, they know the wrong way, let's get together and smash them to bits. The addition of "my hero" is really interesting too because while we have this rallying cry of "You can do it!" we also have "my hero" which is usually a phrase associated with a maiden right after she's been saved from something, but where's the maiden in this? Who needs saving?

To me, the beginning of this poem is saying that the maiden is the scared soldier in the bed trying to hide from the monsters who don't know what it's really like to love and have passion, but down here, it feels like the soldier is supposed to be the one protecting someone else, but how? We've already established that he's a "crawling" man who needs a gun to "guard" him from "nasties" which isn't really a noun. To say that he's strong enough to guard someone else, seems sort of like a cheat.

Then, we have the last phrase of that last line which perplexes me even more. "my death from above" what does that mean? Death from above? Back in 2011 I would not think it would be drones, but now, sure. Maybe air raids, bomb droppers, the people who fly around and shoot from the sky? This perplexes me because "My death" also is very implicit. What does that make our maiden? What does that make our hero?

We know that the soldier would have to kill people, but we wouldn't think of him killing people who were calling him their hero, yet they're juxtaposed right next to each other, like death is saving the speaker.

Because of these different things, I feel like the first part of the poem is disconnected from the second part. That is to say line 1 is much different from line 2, but you need two points to make a line, so we can still follow the logic between lines 1 and 2 to make a segment. However, when we put in lines 3 and 4 our scatter plot is highly variegated and there's no line that fits the best. So lines 1-2, and lines 3-4 don't fit together. It's like the rhyme from love and above took over the second half of the poem, but the first half forgot to rhyme.

All in all, it's a jarring poem and a salvation would have to be to take one line, and rework the rest of the poem with a clearer idea of where you wanted to go and what you wanted to do with it.

<3 On to the next.

I really loved this poem, it was simple and it flowed well. I really enjoyed it not only because I like things that have to do with soldiers, but also because it was well written. I don't really get how its a lullaby, but that doesn't really matter in my opinion since that's the only nitpick I can find and point out. Great job keep up the great work. 5 owls out of 5.

Hey there, all!

First, you all can call me Chelse - or, if you can't remember Chelse, Anci is okay. Just shorten it.

Second, thank you for the suggestions and the comments.

And finally, the last line does sound confusing when I look at it like I didn't write it, but "death from above" is meant to be an endearment for the subject, not as the direct object for "show". I need to see if it would be possible to convey that clearly...

Hi AncientForever!

Okay, this is going to be a quick comment...

This poem sounds a little strange. For one, it doesn't seem clear of who you're talking about or in what way. In my first reading of the poem, I was wondering whether you were trying to talk ironically or what about the soldiers in a derogatory sense. And then I wondered if you meant to portray the soldiers as children. And then I wondered by the last line what you meant at all. It felt like (to me) that you kept on switching moods every line.

What I wondered about this poem was, in the last line, who was the speaker? Like I said before, it seems kind of random because suddenly someone (presumably dead) pops up and asks the soldier to show his/her death from above? It just seems a bit weird. I mean, is the speaker dead? How can this soldier show this from above? It just logistically doesn't really make any sense.

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts. Hope this helps.

Hey there AncientForever!I really enjoyed the short, sweet, and to the point stanzas of this poem! They captured a dramatic mood very well!

ancientforever wrote:Crawl off to sleep with your gun in your bed I absolutely LOVE how you used the word 'crawl' at the beginning. Very descriptive and I can really capture this scene in my head
To guard you from nasties and mutated men'Nasties' was a VERY good word as well! Great job!
Who think they know passion, think they know love -hmmm... I think maybe you should add "who think they know love" instead of ",think they know love" maybe it's just me, but it seems to fit better
You'll show them, my hero, my death from aboveThis stanza right here left me a bit confused... I think maybe you should have given clues throughout the poem on who the "my" is in this poem... it just caught me off guard and made me have to read it again

ancientforever wrote:Crawl off to sleep with your gun in your bed
To guard you from nasties and mutated men

Who think they know passion, think they know love -
You'll show them, my hero, my death from above

Hey ancient! We meet again! =P

I actually really like this! It's short, sweet, and to the point. I love the idea, too. My favorite things to write about are usually things like this, that are difficult, and have heavy emotion behind each word.

My only real critique, and it can't really be called that, is to write more of this! I'd love for this to have room to develop and grow into something even better. Right now I feel like you've got a great hook, and an effective one, because I want to read more, but at the end I'm kind of just getting geared up for a great story and then bam, it's over. If you write more of this, please let me know! I'd love to see how it turns out.

A little disappointing . . . While the poem flowed well the sentences were random. While they stayed on beat, they didn't make any sense. Who's this "he"??? A friend, family, angel, lover??? Are the "mutated men" actually mutated, or just a saying for the "big bad soldiers." The mood of the poem varied. Get Your Thoughts Together. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider

Thank you both - this was a very quick work of mine, shorter than most, and I had no clue where to go with it. I'll probably edit it for focus and lengthen it over time, but I really wanted an idea of where to go with it, and you've given me that much at least. Thank you very, very much.

Good evening, ancient!

I’m going to be very, very honest with you when I say that this needs some serious focus. Your progression of thoughts changes tone from line to line, and it’s a very displeasing progression, in my opinion. You start off with this subtle, almost sweet wisp of a lullaby (with a mention that, oh, there’s a gun in your bed), and then drop into an elementary description of bad people. Now, obviously this can be a nod to ‘monsters in the closet’ or any number of things we encounter as children, but you bring in the ‘mutated men’ to add to this image, and it really makes me cringe as far as warfare relations go.

Are you referring to the enemy soldiers as mutated men? Is that a direct insult to those who oppose the soldier?

This gets solidified in the next two lines when you almost take on the persona of a god? It’s confusing—and it takes this poem in a number of directions: none of which I like. And I think that’s the icing on the cake as far as why I don’t like this poem…because it seems to combine warfare and religion into one slimy package…one that’s not pulled off well.

So. How do we fix this? We first sort out our ideas. Sort out what sort of images you want in this piece—not mutated men, I hope—so that you can deliver one concise message. Correct your grammar and syntax throughout the piece—act as if you were writing this formally, or don’t use it at all. And then decide whether or not you really want to push these two heavy-hitters together. War and religion are very hot right now, and it’s likely that you’ll get burned if dealing with both together.

With that said, I want to ward you off from the awful rhyme in the end. “Love—above”. I think it’s the reason that you hit that note that I don’t like. Don’t be afraid to take more time with your poetry to avoid mess-ups like this…because it really messes up your whole game.

So, really, I wish you’d focus on this being a lullaby for a soldier instead of a slam against enemy soldiers. Does that make sense? Re-route your ideas and see what you can come up with. Best of luck,

-Lumi

Hey there, ancientforever. I'm Izon, and I'm going to do a quick review of your poem.
Truth is... I like it. I like its simplicity and its attitude. But I feel it's a little short. If you could make this more than one stanza, maybe three or four, I think it could be fabulous. As it is, it doesn't quite cut it. It feels like you got the first two lines in your head, skipped a bunch of thoughts because you didn't know how to word them, then threw the last two out there. I think you could fit so much more into this. Maybe even begin with something else, and put this stanza at the end. Start with what the Soldier wakes up to, goes through, his struggle...
As for the last line, as well, it seems to not fit with the rest. I don't understand what it's saying or what it means. Who is this person speaking? Where did they come from? Why is the soldier his/her hero? How did this person die? What does "from above" mean? It sounds like a cheesy line thrown in to fit the rhyming scheme.
I see so much potential in this little poem, but as it is it is incomplete. Work at it! Add more! Tidy up! I'd love to see it finished.