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139,316 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Hello! My name is Corralynn!
So I'll start with edits and then tell you what I liked and then my overall impression! Sound good? Good.
1. This is probably just me being nit-picky, but everything should be capitalized at the start of a sentence.
2. "and feet will muss the carpet;" - I think a different word then muss will flow better. I understand the love of using different and ornate words, but with this structure, say "tatter" or "jumble".
3. I love the word "damn" and the way you use it, keep it up!
4. "the music is too loud,
i cannot hear it" - too loud to hear it? I get the idea but within this sentence structure I don't really think it makes sense.Try "The music is too loud, my ears are muffled" same idea different effect on the reader.
5. "but now i am not
who i thought i was yesterday." - I like this.
Okay! just a few small edits, I don't need to repeat myself.
I really like the idea of this and how it resonates in your mind afterwards. I loved the end, I love when the end of poems leave you thinking and pondering and that is definitely what this does!
Overall, wonderful job,I really enjoyed it, just a few minor adjustments and I think it would be ready for print!
Keep Writing!
Corralynn
The lack of capitalization is my choice as the poet; it's actually a stylistic choice that carries throughout the majority of my poetry, because I feel like capitalization slows me down. For the same reason, I use punctuation only where I feel it's appropriate.
I used "muss" because it fits the image I want (a mess, rather than a tatter), and it fits in the meter of the line in question. It's something of an iambic triameter, so when said out loud, it should have a bit of a heartbeat rhythm, and a longer word would, well, muss it.
As for "the music is too loud,/i cannot hear it", that was done intentionally as well to add to the surrealist vibe of the piece. I think it's a weaker line, but changing it to "my ears are muffled" would be too real for me, so I'm trying to find a more... unreal line to replace it.
Thank you very much for your feedback, in any case! Your review is much appreciated. ^^
Thank you for clarifying! I love people who are willing to do things their own way and create a style for themselves!
ummm.... ok so going to be honest here im really confused. im gonna try to take this peice by piece. also i have never written poetry so maybe im wrong.
1. What does it mean to have your skin feel loose? this is just odd, maybe i dont understand.
2. i like the repeat of the carpet it gives it a feel that its a poem
3. i thought the radio was silenced... static...
4. and what happened to make the shattered glass.
im sure i just am so tired i cant think. however i would love to understand better.
Maddie