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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Okay, so here this goes... I like the metaphors used, they make it much more realistic and makes me relate to firecrackers, because Cheez-its. Anyway,
and you are of two gunshots
one echoes, oh, one echoes
while the other's breath is trapped
by crater walls and mountain ranges
crawling over the landscape
arms outstretched in a cry of fear
this hooked me onto the poem, it make me think of suicide, but I am pretty sure it wasn't, I also thought it meant about facing your fears.
the colors die and burn away to nothingness
eating at your edges with
golden-blue tongues of flame
light travels faster than sound
so you are dead
long before we flinch away from your apocalypse
And then I read the third stanza, I feel like they're trying to escape the hell that they are facing.
our crowd-funded condolences
are murmured in the sparks between your petals
but the most we will remember tomorrow is
the way you felt
rushing through our hearts
a second pounding beat against
the walls of possibility
These lines 2-5 of this stanza are fantastic, the way you felt when you jumped off of the cliff, the pain you lived, and now we feel your pain. And I wonder, what is the pain?
and we move on
to brighter flowers
longer lives
and footprints pressed so deep in carbon ash
All right, the last stanza. Everyone eventually moves on from the death, and have longer lives than you did, but I don't understand the last line, I usually only understand the lines when they connect with me.
In all, it took me a while to understand, I read it about 3 times until I got the meaning. I only really had trouble with the last paragraph, and sometimes you don't have to understand sometimes, which is what I like.
Sorry, I'm a bit bad at reviews. If I had to give it a thought on what the last line meant, it'd have to be that they eventually stepped over the mourning and pain, that you could not.
Hello.
The intended meaning of your poem might be different from what I interpreted, however, I really felt it; I mean, I felt the words of your poem punching my heart.
The poem seems to be about death and the 'live goes on' theory.
"and you are of two gunshots
one echoes, oh, one echoes
while the other's breath is trapped
by crater walls and mountain ranges
crawling over the landscape
arms outstretched in a cry of fear"
I liked this stanza a lot for the following reasons:
1. The two gunshots seems to refer to the sufferings of the person.
2. The echoes seem to be what we see. We can see one of his sufferings (and not very clearly, since it's just an 'echo'), while he tries to show us his other pain, but we can not understand it.
"light travels faster than sound
so you are dead
long before we flinch away from your apocalypse"
Personally, I feel you're referring to the impact a person feels later when the realization hits him that this person has died from a suffering that they understood a little too late.
"our crowd-funded condolences
are murmured in the sparks between your petals
but the most we will remember tomorrow is
the way you felt
rushing through our hearts
a second pounding beat against
the walls of possibility"
Honestly, it's getting exhausting to write a review for your poem, because, by the second, this poem just increases my remorse. Anyways, I liked this stanza because to me it expresses how everything else will be forgotten: the funeral, the speeches, the sorrow and only the futile hope of the person surviving a little more will be remembered and regretted.
I can not continue writing the review. All I say is that, if you ever publish your poetry, this poem should be one of them.
Hello! I'm here to review for The Big Review.
To be honest, the first time I read this poem, I didn't understand it. But then I went back and read it a couple more times, and each time I've liked it more. The idea that big, flashy occasions of the sort marked by fireworks live and die so quickly that we just move on to the next one is something that really speaks to me right now.
I don't really know what to say. As always, you are an amazing poet. I think I'll just mention a few parts I thought were unclear or clunky.
This stanza threw me off a bit. It reads well, but I think you threw in a little too much imagery. It's the one that most confused me on reading. By "two gunshots," I'm assuming you mean first the light, then the sound. I think the one that echoes is the sound, while the light is the one that's "trapped," but it took me a minute to figure it out.
For me, "crawling over the landscape" is the image that doesn't quite fit. It grounds the idea of fireworks in a way that the rest of the poem doesn't. For me, the rest of the poem conveys that fireworks are high up, far away and fleeting, enough that they aren't really part of our world and are easy to forget. But "crawling over the landscape" brings it down to earth, quite literally, and in a way I feel detracts from the poem.
The other line that felt out of place was "long before we flinch away from your apocalypse." "Apocalypse" just doesn't fit for me. Since you used the idea of a cataclysm in the first stanza to set up the poem wonderfully, using "apocalypse" here feels like a cheap re-hash of that idea. I like the rest of the line, though. Perhaps "long before we flinch away from your cries," would work, or something similar.
Finally, in the line "crowd-funded condolences," I'm assuming you are referring to the oohs and ahs that accompany a firework show. I like the idea, but I don't understand how they are "crowd-funded." If I were watching a fireworks show by myself, I'd still ooh and aah. So that confused me a bit.
That's all I can think of. This is probably one of the poems I'll come back to often. Thank you for the wonderful read, and I hope my review was helpful!
This is a wonderful free write. For me you’ve captured the power and the frailty of fire well and even though it has no rhyme or rhythm it reads out loud quite well.
You obviously haven’t but in any grammar but even though it is a free write you might consider putting capitals, commas and full stops to aid with reading it.
'you are only so many flowers'
in a vase of smoke and fire and wind
Might be better with out the first and.
There isn’t any thing else I find fault with but id like to highlight some of the lines I particularly liked.
you bloom with a cataclysm
one echoes, oh, one echoes
so you are dead
long before we flinch away from your apocalypse
a second pounding beat against
the walls of possibility
Each time i read it through I saw different imagery, which is cool because it means it lasts longer than just one reading, a great bonus for a poem.
Good work and keep writing, all the best, Ferran.
I think you meant I haven't used standard punctuation and capitalization, not grammar. I quite obviously used grammar, simply by the fact that I wrote in a coherent fashion.
With that said, not using punctuation and capitalization was my choice as the poet. I feel like capitalization slows me (and the readers) down, and punctuation's literal only purpose is to slow the reader down, and I wanted this to move quickly -- partially because of my personal preferences as a poet, and partially because the subject matter makes it apt.
Thank you for your review!
<3
This is speaking to me greatly right now.