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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
This is beautiful. I can't think of much else to say other than i really enjoyed this lovely poem. It makes me feel sad and happy at the same time. You did a wonderful job with this one. Thank you for sharing it.
-Laci <3
This is really impressive and enthralling. I loved the beginning parts- I was very confused only in one part, which was in the eighth stanza. Maybe I'm just being stupid or young but I really don't understand what you're trying to say, and I think the wording with both of the "not"s is very confusing. The other thing I just personally didn't like is the comparison, "as sweet as marzipan and dreadful as winter." I just feel like winter and marzipan should be something more comparable between each other. Just my personal preference. I liked the fact that it was uncapitalized because to me, that makes it slightly more personal, like capitalization doesn't matter because the words are so important. However, I think there should be some more punctuation, especially in the last line. *Commas!*
I thought this was really beautiful and nice. Good job. Hope the review helps!
Thank you so much for your review!
Ha, I'm young and stupid as it gets. I just write what I feel like needs to be said.
As for the "marzipan/winter" comparison, I wanted it to be two very unlike things because it highlights a character contrast (and, possibly, an inconsistency in the beliefs of the speaker). Also, to me they're probably more related because I associated winter with the play The Nutcracker, which features marzipan as one of the candies >.>
As for the significant lack of punctuation: I mostly work off of a very simplistic style, and too much punctuation clogs me down.
I get it now- thanks for replying. Yeah, I've done the Nutcracker every year since 2007, but the ballet, not the play.
My area does the play sometimes, instead of the ballet (I saw the ballet when I was little and gosh I wish I could see it again), mostly because of budget issues and also because it's difficult to organise all of the ballet studios in the area, honestly.
Last year we did the ballet - so I'm not quite sure why my mind automatically went to "play". Ah, well, whatever.
Hello, I'm K here to review! I hope this is helpful! I'm going to start with weaknesses first, as there are few, and then move on to your strengths!
So first, there is this line: "because the labour lies on your limbs and not its" it's... what? Was there supposed to be another word here? A little confusing and distracting, but not a really big problem compared to the poem as a whole.
Second, punctuation and capitalization. I know poets have the right to punctuate and capitalize as they, and only they, see fit, but I think this poem would be a lot better if there was at least a little more structure.
Last, and this isn't even about the poem itself, but if you took the dashes and changed them to white to create stanzas, I think there would be a lot less clutter and a lot more flow- both which are very good things.
Moving on to your strengths, which there are plenty! This is a beautiful poem overall. You tell a story well, and your word choice is divine. You repeat a few words just a bit too much, but that doesn't distract from the poem itself at all. You stick to one theme here, which is great. Your writing style is really beautiful, and poetry like this is a joy to read. I hope you keep writing!
First and foremost, on the stanzas/dashes: originally the dashes weren't there, but I was having trouble keeping my formatting, so I put them there to keep a semblance of order.
Also, I have a few reasons for defaulting to lowercase, and I think (personally) that it would benefit me more to keep it lowercase in this poem. I thought about capitalising things, but... Nah.
And on the line! "because the labour lies on your limbs and not its" relies on an implied object, being "its [limbs]", because that would be way too much clutter and repetition on that line alone.
Thank you so much for your review!
Oooh I understand now. You're saying it lies in your limbs and not its own. Oops, sorry ^.^
It's fine! Hah, my syntax is weird most of the time anyway.