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129,361 Literary Works • 671,505 Reviews
SHE DID IT!!!!!!!!! XD YAAAAYY!!!!! GO BILLIE!!! YOU RULE!!!!!! YOU DIIIDD IIIIIITT!!!!
Howdy doody! (I'm really running low on new prases). So I just really want to read this story without feeling obliged to leave a review, so I'm going to stop, and after I'm done, like on review days or anytime I feel like it, I'll come back and leave reviews on chapters I haven't yet.
I freaking love Lucian. But really, who doesn't? Know I'll still be reading this fantastic novel, even though I won't leave reviews anymore (I'll still be fangirling just as much, though). 
I do have a list of quotation/comma from my English teacher's handouts.
The rule comes first, followed by an example.
-Use quotation marks with both parts of a divided quotation. It has commas after the speaker tag and after the first part of what the person says because her sentence isn't completed before the speaker tag.
ex.: "Jeannnie," said Tamie, "please report to the office."
But there's also something similar that if the sentence they spoke is over before the speaker tag, but you continue with a new sentence, it's like this:
"Bob hates chicken," Joe said. "Bob hates rice, too."
-Use a comma(s) to separate speaker tags from the quotation. Place the comma inside the ending quotation marks.
Mac commented, "Mr. Wilson is a very funny guy."
"Mr. Wilson can be seen at the comedy club in San Francisco," said Wilbur.
So what I often see you do is this:
"Washington is the best." Said John, "Yet, there are other great places."
So what you do is put a period after what they say, but then a comma after the speaker tag, but it should be the other way around.
Hope that helps! If you're confused by something or have questions, I'd be glad to try and clear some more up. See ya soon!
By the way, this story is only getting better
Thanks so much for your help. Just one favor. Chapter 37, let me know what your reaction to that one is, otherwise I'm totally cool with you waiting until review day
As long as were one the same team. And that gives you time to think of more adjectives for hi.I start all mine with hey there, cuz I'm lame. xD
I will be sure to do that, if the glitch is fixed. I'll probably leave fangirling comments on some along the way.
Oh my gosh, I hope we're on the same team! And that's true, it will give me more time to think of words other than hi XD
Hello, Artemis, Wolf here for another review.
I'm going to just dive right into the criticism. So I'm a little bit confused, especially towards the end. In the beginning, when she described doing magic at the party, she felt the energy pulse through her, but the second time none of that happens. Why...? Would she be able to feel at least a little bit of energy come through her, even if its not a lot.
Another thing that confused me was the way Lucian worded what the Fey did to the witches. Making them insane rather than magic, what? Please try to make this a little more clear, because I didn't really get what was going on until Billie imagined it, and even then I'm not sure if I'm under the right impression.
Also, I wish you had more narration during the first 'attempt' at magic that Lucian was guiding Billie through. You just have him speaking the entire time, but I want to know, what's going on through Billie's head? How is she reacting to these instructions? Does it come easily? Does she feel hopeful? Add in little things like that to tame my curiosity a little.
Finally, after this spot...
I'm not really sure what happens. Is it a transition? She just suddenly bursts out, and then it goes into telling us that she tried again. I can get from that outburst that it didn't work. I had no idea she even tried again, which made me a little confused. Maybe try making it a little less abrupt, since it doesn't really read right in my opinion. But you're the author, so do what you think is necessary.
I like how you added in the thing with Faeries and iron, how they are weak against it. Though, I don't really feel like that's common knowledge, so maybe add in like a little comment that Lucian says like, "You know, how fey are weak to iron... anyway..." something like that just to make it more clear.
Other than those little things, I thought this was great. Learning about Billie's 'first attempt' at magic was pretty interesting, how the energy apparenly came from herself. I am curious as to why that is unusual, and what {if it even does} have anything to do with her 'acclamation'. Maybe now she can start showing everybody else up with her magical abilities, or soon at least. On to the next chapter! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hey. Wisegirl22 here for Plasma.
Okay, way in the story, you don't have to capitalize "Hyena".
"dying Hyena."
And capitalize the l in "let's".
"running his hand through his hair, “let’s take a break.”
And here, some typos occurred.
"But they fry’s cruelty"
That's all. I hope Team Plasma wins second place.
-wisegirl22
Is he saying it right now? Is he here next to her? I think you stumbled into one of the tricky sides of present tense narration. See what you can do about it.
Spoiler
Btw you have links in your text. Are they intention or did you catch a worm on your pc?
Why a painting as a door? I would strongly advise to change it. Harry potter happened too soon and you might get blamed for ripping it off considering your school has to do with magic. Here’s an idea. Have it be a huge door, or an arch, with statues and reliefs instead of a painting.
Tense slip.
I think you can shorten their exchange some. Going wide in dialogue is nice but make sure to keep tight and to the point with as little side tracking as possible.
There goes all the “race” talk again. *shudders* Seriously you need to make it more clear what you mean by race. If you have elves and demons and ogres and what not, fine, but if you are referring to people, no. Humans do not have races.
Spoiler
I see you bring up religion into this too. Again thread carefully, very, very carefully.
They are an ancient well established school I assume, therefore they must have a way to evaluate magical power and determine one’s patron. You know kind of like the sorting cap in Harry Potter.
The story drags a bit towards the end. It also makes me question whether they should be doing “magical experiments” without supervision. Unless he’s her teacher, which I must have missed. I thought he was a student. In any case I do believe she needs a mentor. As in an older character to teach her stuff.
With that said, well done again, keep up the good work.
Ok this chapter kinda freaks me out. It's super well written! But what kind of magic is this? Like only fantasy magic, right? I don't know but the sorcerers' master options sound kinda... dark.
And also the whole religious thing is confusing. I thought this was all fantasy. The energy and gods and everything that's involved here is sorta playing off the idea of real magic. Not a good sign. Plus "“But doesn’t the Christian church hate witches? There were all those witch burnings, the Salem witch trials, and I think the bible even says, “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.”" steps on toes. Are you talking about Catholic christianity? Because the Bible doesn't say to hate witches. Actually it's talking about demonic sorcery and other dark magic. And if the magic here is only fantasy magic and if the witches are just another race born that way, than this whole Catholicism/Christianity thing is way out of proportion. I think you could leave out this stuff when you're writing in this context.
Other than all that...
Yay! Billie performs magic!!! I knew she would. She seems like no ordinary magician that can fit in any normal race. She's special. Extra special and important. Her magic works differently than the typical stuff. This can be sooooo pivotal in your plot line. Oh my goodness. *excitement times two*
Hey and Lucian didn't even help her do it. Really he didn't. She did it herself. Another pivotal point to the plot. Positively. (See what I did there).
You can edit out the little typos and grammar mistakes on your own.
Seriously tho. Isn't this magic only fantasy?
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Hey, thanks for the review, I'll answer your question now. I put in the religion bit because I like to imagine that religion, especially Christianity, can exist in any context, and actually, I was quoting Exodus 22:18 with Billie's suffer witch quote. I wanted to include it because the idea a witch being a christian despite what the Bible says intrigues me. However, your right that it would rub people the wrong way, so I should get over myself and delete it. I'm not trying to be snobbish, I very much appreciated your comment, just wanted to let you know where it comes from.
As far as magic from the gods go, that's more just a story magicians came up with so they feel superior to normal humans, so I'll see if I can make that clearer.
Honestly, I'm a really technical person. I've never liked it when magic doesn't obey the law of physics, and half the reason I made this book is so I could create a magic system my way. And my magic is all based on energy. The energy every magician is born with, which grows the same way any skill grows as you practice with it, and they magic that exists in the energy around them, which they again improve on harnessing. Again, I'm not saying this to be snobbish, just letting you know how I see it as I work through how to incorporate your comments in a way that fits with the story and world that's in my head.
I think I'm a little confused when you say fantasy magic? Is it because I'm coming from a more sci-fi approach to magic? And what exactly would make it more like fantasy magic? if I didn't associate it with energy. I guess I'm just a little confused, as I've never categorized magic as anything other than fantasy before. Again, I've loved your perspective on this, I guess I just don't necessarily agree with it. But I'm considering it, I promise.
Lol no you don't seem snobbish. I'm prolly the snobby one
Including religion here is interesting, but really risky. Meh. Idk... Is it important to the plot line?? If not, I'd drop it. I get what you're saying about the magic. But the spirit stuff and all the dark sorcery stuff is real. There is sorcery on some levels in the world and it's not ok. Definitely not something we want to mess with. Yeah so... I used "fantasy" in the sense that it's not real. Ya know made up and not like other forms of magic that are real. If you know. But don't feel like you have to bend to me or whatever. But I get what you're going for. 
Eureka!!! I understand you now.
.
Huh, for me, what the sorcerers do is fantasy. Completely, so while I see where your coming from.....I, hmm....yeah. Thanks for clarifying. While I do have some beliefs about the reality of magic, that dark power isn't one of them. Though I can see that it's more supernatural than fantasy....Hmmm....I'll look into that.
Kk! Have fun looking into it.. lol