Young Writers Society

Greetings (Google is my resort for 'hello' synonyms now XD)! I'm so excited to be here reading this marvelous piece of art! Let's dig in!

"...Calista pestering me about Lucian, “He was staring at you the whole time, didn’t you see?” While Laurel absent-mindedly moved her salad around on her plate, not eating." This paragraph at this point isn't grammatically correct.

That painting sounds beautiful! It's super creative and gets you thinking and surprised.

"I wait for more, but nothing comes. My brows furrow, is this where it’s supposed to end?" put a period after 'my brows furrow' instead of a comma

"The girls smiles, slowly, black mist issuing from her teeth." Take the comma before slowly out

“It’s Persephone, the queen of the dead.” capitalize Queen of the Dead because that's her name, too

"But not just someone’s, Lucian’s." I would make 'Lucian's' it's own sentence.

"He reminds me of those old roman statues, magnificently beautiful even though I can’t say exactly why." capitalize Roman

If you capitalize 'god' you have to capitalize 'goddess' and you have to capitalize the description that comes after, like God of the Dead and Goddess of Harvest.

"But before she left he tricked her into eating just one pomegranate seed, except now that she had partaken of the food of the underworld, she could not leave," comma after 'left'

"I have that class too, I could walk with you if you.” comma before 'too' as well, and this sentence is incomplete

"Laurel freezes when she sees whom I’m with." I think it would be 'who' but I don't really know that rule.

"It’s sometime before my heavings subside enough for me to breathe normally. I gasp, my throat raw, bracing myself on my suitcase as I propped myself up. My hand rubs across something, a hat." 'It's some time,' 'prop myself up,' and make 'a hat' it's own sentence.

“Baseball was his only connection the human world in the realm.” She’d said. And now it was mine too." comma before 'too'

"My friends, would be there, but so would Tanya, and all the other humans" you don't need a comma after friends or after Tanya

"Thanks to her I don’t know if he’s a hero or a coward, or a monster, and I probably never will." 'Thanks to her, I don't know if he was a hero, coward, or a monster, and I probably never will.' maybe better.

I left out a few things especially in the middle and beginning that you could find if you proof read, and I suggest you do. Sweet and intriguing chapter! It was cool to learn of more history and on their gods. I also liked what happened in class. Everything is falling together really well

Hello, Artemis, Wolf here for another review.

Oh my goodness, this has to be one of your best chapters yet. Really, I absolutely loved the burning passion and all the emotions conveyed in this. I really empathized with Billie in this, feeling her embarrassment, her resentment, and then the burning passion and fury to prove she has a right to this world. I was very, very well done. You've successfully allowed me to identify with Billie and let me feel with her.

I'm intrigued. Why did the magic not work now? Was it only a fluke before when she blew a hole in Tanya's living room? If so, was that why her mother didn't want her to come back, so she wouldn't be humiliated like that? It's all very interesting and I'm curious to find out whether Billie really can fit into this world. Some books like this have the total possibility that the man character can't prevail, and I like this because here the possibility is completely real, and I'm not so sure she can make it out of this. We'll see.

One thing I'm quite curious about is, why fire? A lot of the time when battle magic is being talked about, the first thing mentioned is fire, and I'm curious why that is. Isn't there some other different kinds of battle magic? True Artemis used some wind based powers, but I'm curious why is fire he go to magic use. Just something for you to think about.

Goodness! I feel so bad for Billie, having Lucian watch her be so humiliated. They must be together <3 Sorry, I'm a total romantic. Anyways, I will continue onward through your novel! I am almost caught up! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Hi again.

Ooh! Things are really heating up!!

The first two paragraphs are a little confusing. Not the best way to open up a new chapter. Just sorta reword it to flow better and make it more clear.

"Thea gives me a meaningful look, and then returns staring forward" is also unclear. What does a "meaningful look" look like? What is Thea's attitude towards Billie right now? A meaningful look doesn't really tell me anything.

There are a lot of instances like this. Including:

"giving myself a hypothetical fist pump for saying that without stuttering"

"He smiles again, but it’s different, distant. “It is that,” He sighs"

"my stomach flips at the way he says magic, and precious."

"I release my arms as several people laugh, standing to face her, my chest heaving"

"Artemis, staring down at me like some twisted, avenging angel."

The forth one is just worded wrong. It reads as if the laughing people are standing to face her. You might want to say "As several people laugh, I release my arms and stand to face her, my chest heaving." Better?

The others are just weird and don't really tell me anything. You didn't really show me what you meant.

Other than that more great writing! I'm excited to see what happens next!

Oh yeah and are you getting my reviews? You probably are, and you're probably just busy and can't respond.

Hi.

I enjoyed this. Really... it was good.
However. I have a couple of nitpicks.

What Went Well

1. good characters I could bond with, especially since I started the story like halfway through
2. interesting dialogue with good pacing
3. nice choice of present tense. makes it all the more immediate and interesting.

Even Better If

1. for me, it's way too long. break it down.
2. you need more dialogue. show don't tell can sometimes get boring because you havenm't really got much character interesting. it makes it valuable when it is present.

So that's it really.

Keep writing.

Hi there! Magpie here to save you from the Green Room!

I really liked this! As I'm new to the series, there might be a few things I didn't understand, but altogether, it was nice to read, and I was able to pick up on the things that must have been mentioned before.

That being said, there are a few suggestions I have for improvement that might make this even better.

I noticed that you seem to switch around the forms of "their" and "they're." Their is the possessive one: Their dogs were escaping. Whereas they're is a contraction of they are, so you might say about the dogs, "They're escaping!" I only saw two instances in which you switched these, but it's easy enough to press CONTROL + F and type in the words you're looking for, just to make sure they're right.

The first paragraph is a little confusing with the way it's arranged. Perhaps you should start with the pestering and the crush on Lucian, and then have the narrator give her excuse to leave, as the explanation goes on a little longer than you can put in between two reasons that she actually gave the excuse. If that makes sense. Also, make sure you actually make her leave them, as I was confused when she suddenly was stepping towards the murals, as I thought she was still seated at the table. I think that the sentence in the paragraph about the murals in general that starts with "Most of the murals seem" should be the first sentence in that paragraph, with the trident man almost an explanation of that sentence, rather than the opening sentence.

My brows furrow,

“Oh, by the way, it doesn’t.”