Turn It Around

THIS ROCKS!!!

Wow. This is good. I'll admit, it didn't grad me at first (Maybe use a better opener?) But as I kept reading I enjoyed it.

Imagery
7/10 (it's hard to get a 10 on my scale XD )

Nitpicks

You gave up those innocent days
To walk with him on life's road.
I guess you didn't know before
How hard it would turn out to be;
For innocence turned into jealousy,
Jealousy turned into pathetic little rules,
And pathetic little rules turned into prison.

You look at me through these bars
With scars on the place where love used to be.This is where I got interested. I have to say, maybe make the part above more descriptive.
You sleep under sheets of regret
And hide your face in tear-drowned pillows.
And all the while you seem to have forgotten
That you're the one holding the key

All you have to do is turn it around... Wonderful ending

First thing I noticed, right off the bat: every line that doesn't end in a period ended with a comma. The rule I learned for poetry is that it's basically prose with line breaks, and should be punctuated as such. So I see a bunch of useless commas in sentences, and that really bothers me. Taking the first stanza as an example, in prose, it would read like this:

"You gave up those innocent days, to walk with him on life's road. I guess you didn't know before, how hard it would turn out to be, for innocence turned into jealousy, jealousy turned into pathetic little rules, and pathetic little rules turned into prison."

Some of those commas are obviously out of place, and need to be removed.

Other than that, great imagery. I really couldn't find anything else wrong with it except for the commas and the fact that it ends in ellipses. Ellipses that don't actively show continuation or don't indicate something is missing in the excerpt bug me, so that just may be a personal thing.

Wonderful work, I really enjoyed this.
kf

Wow! Deep, short, strong, precise and true! Beautiful, Qaraqaradear. Truly amazing! You've done a shocking job, my friend! :O I love it!

By the way, you should tell your friend that we're moving to Greenland and that she's welcome to come with us. xD

Sincerely,
Sollyplushie <33333333

Ah, reelationships. What a topic. And what a poem you've made from it!

In the first stanza, I really like how you captured the imprisonment of love, of how you can only be with one person. Personally, I think that suspicion shoukd turn into jealosy, but innocence works just as well. It captured the emotion nicely, however it didn't really provide a hook for me; considering how often this topic is used.. Good job though, I liked it.

The second stanza was powerful and emotional, really expressing the mood of the poem.

"Scars on the place where love used to be" is my favorite line. You did well on this piece. Keeeep it up!
--Brandon
Xoxo