Big smiles of innocence,
He hadn't yet discovered tears,
This little guy surrounded by darkness.
But what one doesn't see,
One doesn't fear.
The big illusion of happiness,
In which she had covered him well,
Deceived his big curious eyes.
In the meantime she burdened herself,
With the things she didn't dare tell.
'Cause how could she explain that his Father,
In his eyes a flawless man,
Was taken to prison to never return again.
Where should she get the courage from,
To tell him it was because his daddy killed eight men.
His swing hasn't moved in days,
He sits by the window with questions in his eyes,
"Where is my daddy?"
She keeps carrying around with the burden,
Because she doesn't know what to say.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
Illusion rich, well written, dark yet an enlightening poem. Love yah Qara! This is a great piece. -Verg
Wow, great poem! A lovely story. Nice job Qara
Woooow qara. It's beautiful! Never knew that you could write so well, really.... En ik heb even geen zin meer in engels, dus ik ga over op nederlands. Maar dus ik vind het echt mooi hoe je like die tijd als kind, toen ons grootste probleem was dat we een blokje niet konden vinden, hebt beschreven. Hoe we toen nog bijna niks wisten van al het slechte in de wereld... Serieus, ik vind het prachtig.
Hey there
I have to say ultimately it was a good read, and although the story line is pretty simple, putting it into poetry worked really well here. I think I'd have to agree with Jagged, although I think for such a short piece, this kind of works. Overall, I like your writing and you put together a really nice piece here. Personally though, I've never been a big fan on the whole poetic-sad-story, calling-him-daddy thing, but that's just me, so kudos to you for pulling it off! Haha. I think you have a nice poem, but like Jagged said, I'd like more of it shown to me than told.
Hey there qara,
You've got a nice story and conflict going on here, but the problem is that it's too much tell and not enough show. This poem could be made to have quite an emotional impact, but right now it's so flat it doesn't me feel anything at all.
Take "the big illusion of happiness": what exactly does it entail? What is she doing in order to protect him? How is his life? How is she coping? What is she making/letting him believe?
There's a lot of details you could put in, that would make the whole story more real and touching: it's easier to connect to characters that way, and emotional impact relies enormously on how relateable the subjects of the poem are, and the only time I get a feel of that is in the last stanza, which is way too late. Make it so we can empathize and visualize from the beginning; make it a picture rather than a dry enumeration of facts.
Hope this helps.
Wow, I like this a lot. Especially this bit:
"The big illusion of happiness,
In which she had covered him well,
Deceived his big curious eyes."
I love the first line. And I love what this poem's about. It's so meaningful, you know?
I don't think there was anything bad with this, tbf. So, yeah, I like it
Wow. Just... wow. This was wonderful. I love it. Great Job.
- JustMe
Hey, this wa actually a great poem! You've written it very well.
Well done!
I really like this part:
Big smiles of innocence,
He hadn't yet discovered tears,
This little guy surrounded by darkness.
But what one doesn't see,
One doesn't fear.
The beginning... was truly strong!
That's a great poem! The way it tells a story is fantastic and it flows very well. I didn't see any spelling errors, but I'm not the best at spelling. I really like how I can feel the vibes coming from the poem. Like the mood of the poem is tangible.
That was great. I liked how it told a story. It had a good plotline you know the years as a child when you don't know what hurt and fear and failing is yet. It is great I saw no spelling errors or nothing. I also like your choice of words.