Don't write your name down on my heart,
Because I will claw it out and destroy every little piece of it.
Don't even try to steal it,
Because I will hunt you down and surround you with bars.
Don't try hanging your picture on my heart's memory wall,
Because I will tear it down and build a new one.
Don't you dare send Cupid with his poisonous arrows,
Because I will find real ones and take him down.
Don't make me fall in love with you,
Because I will make you regret it.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Well, you definitely conveyed the message and I was really convinced you were actually talking to me there (I'm a little scared now). I like the powerful and dangerous tone to the poem and I can just sense the hate leaking through the words. You've employed some clever lines as well and that adds to the charm of the poem.
"Don't you dare send Cupid with his poisonous arrows,
Because I will find real ones and take him down."
- My favourite lines
XD
Well, what a way to write a piece.
You know, I always find it interesting when people approach any form of writing, especially poetry, in a very unique way. I appreciate how creative you directed your lines to be. It really put us in the moment. I also felt you words…if that makes sense. Like I could feel them shutting down his ideas. I could also feel your words shutting out the wants you know you shouldn’t be having.
I think, other than allowing us to feel the impact of your voice, you acted like we were very tiny, picked us up, and individually places us readers into the scene that you were thinking about as you wrote each verse. Now, THAT is what I think writing is all about. When a sentence or even just someone’s word choices can pick the readers up and put them in the boat with Odysseus, on the balcony with Juliet, in New York City with Holden, is why we writers write in the first place. At least it’s why I stay up an extra three hours just to work on a sentence or two. Perfection, in my opinion, is not what we as writers seek; rather, we wish to posses the capability through our writing to take readers to another world entirely.
Overall, you did a very good job in the feeling and placement of your thoughts. But, I couldn’t help reading this piece and thinking, why did you write it? I mean, why don’t you want him to do these things? Why are you so scared to want them, if you even want them at all? What happened to shut him out? These are all questions I would like to know. Personally, I have had my few shares of poems dealing with my current guy ordeal. This being said, we have all in some way shape or form been close to where you were, emotionally, when you wrote this piece. So, since we may be able to pin point the general feelings you may be having, don’t be afraid to open up to our curiosity. Share only what you wish to share, but don’t play it safe.
Keep Writing!
~SnowBerry
firstly, i love your idea:D
most of us end up writing about missing our loves, or wishing for our loves, or something like that.
but you used amazing metaphors to describe this area of love:D!
amazing!
it felt like it was written in anger, i could feel the venom in your voice, the acidity you feel when you think about it. i could FEEL your emotions jump out, as if not only your words but your emotions were speaking too. (i'm not sure if it made sense to you O.o)
your a good wrtiers but are you advoiding love? it sounds likeit
I liked this, it's so full of venom that you can't help but feel the emotion. It's short, but not quite simple. Nice work, sorry I couldn't be of any help in this review! Caio
Oh I loved this! The concept was new and fresh. Our narrator (lets call her Nelly) so Nelly to me seemed very real and deep. If she were a character I would imagine her as that fun high spirited type who while a social butterfly, never REALLY let any one in. Maybe wanting to fall in love but gave this warning because she was scared. I am so glad I decided to review because this really is great and gave me some thing to think about. Loved it and I can't say much more without repeating myself so...
-Always Writer.
Yo!
So, this might not be worth a full review, since I really only have one comment. :/ But this part:
It would be better to reverse the order of this--you find the arrows, then you shoot the cupid. :p It doesn't make much sense the other way, because then you're taking cupid down before you find the arrows, and what would you shoot him with if you hadn't found the arrows yet? Aaaand you probably got the point after about the first sentence, so I'll stop chasing my tail.
I identify with this poem a lot. I used to always have the mentality that I would love someone even if they hurt me, but then things happened and now I'm not sure I even want friends because they'll go away. Furthermore, I've always been resistant to love/crushes--they are to be squashed at all costs! D;< (This can, however, lead to ninja-like moves when a guy likes you too much, which is kinda cool.)
One thing you might want to do is expand on why you don't want anyone handling your heart. Did someone hurt you? Are you just being careful? If the latter, why? Is it tradition, wisdom, keeping to what mommy's taught you? See, I understand the reasoning, but someone else might not. (My younger self might not, either.) That's why it might be a good idea to explain the why.
Anyway, great work here! I think you're growing as a writer. ;3
I loved this peom and it even sounds better while listening to a Fall Out Boy song :/ Haha I loved how it wasnt long and it got the point across without all the other fancy junk.
~~Zinger~~
P.S. I love the little Penguin! Its so cute!
*Writes her name on Qactus' heart* HAHA! What are you going to do about it? You can't do anything because you love Aunt Mikko! <333
Oh Qactus, I really liked this poem and I thought it had something different to the poems we see everyday. I liked the structure as it helps the poem to flow really well.
I especially love the last couplet because it makes you go O.O I love that because you make the reader actually feel pain for the 'you' you are referring to. You just don't want to be in 'his' place.
Bravo for this, Qactus.
Hi I'm Leopard and I'm going to be your reviewer today!
Reading the poem gave me a good feeling and I'm going to list the things that I liked.
Firstly I like how the poem flows. It doesn't stop and start, but reads nicely and creates a full picture instead of a kind of jigsaw where you have to put it together. So I like it!
Secondly The imagery you have used is great - it is both strong and descriptive. I especially liked:
That was my favourite verse/stanza
Finally The poem was very emotive, it had a meaning, and made the reader feel and understand what was going on. Thumbs up!
The one thing I think you could improve is:
Overall I thought it was well written, emotive and made a connection.
#FFFF00 ">Keep Writing!
~Leopard