You don't have my heart

You have a great basic idea for this piece and it has a great potential, however I think you could have made it more powerful. Some writers have to sacrifice power for simplicity and vice versa. Make sure you're not one of those writers. It feels a bit incomplete at the end. Try taking Deanie's suggestion. also, keep the style consistent. If you're going to rhyme, then rhyme. You don't have to rhyme to make the ending more effective.

The poem was great and had what I like to call "curb appeal". All you have to work on is giving the reader something to look forward to on the inside. It has great potential to be sure.

Pm me if you have any questions! And good job!

I love this poem it is really good, but I was looking at the last line and I think you could've done better. If I were you (which I'm not so you don't have to do this... only a suggestion)

I would've ended it like:

Yes, my friend, you've got it all,
Sorry but I will not fall.
You never had it from the start,
I still own my heart...

Or something like that, to end it with a rhyme. But apart from the last verse (which was good, but could be better) I liked your poem.

This flowed so well and I have nothing whatsoever to critique it! Bravo!

Hello Qara.

I found this rather bland.

There's promise, mind. Your last two lines have so much that could be richened and explored and hidden deep in layers of metaphor and other poetic devices to create something memorable.

Right now, you have a few issues. First is the flow of the poem. Each line is a complete thought, with a comma or period at the end of each line to segregate it from the rest. Try reading the poem aloud, making sentences and thoughts flow between lines and stanzas so readers feel like they're drifting along the words instead of simply being presented the words in a rather simplistic way.

The simplicity is my next comment. While simplicity is not bad, it becomes blatant when there's nothing more to the poem than face value meaning. If there's only one meaning to the poem, without any sort of pretty wording or rich imagery, then the poem becomes forgettable. Richen the poem and try to use some of those poetic devices in the article I linked earlier in the review. It would benefit greatly.

Third, I found your ending incomplete. It was jarring at first read, primarily because it started rhyming when the rest of the poem hadn't, and on second read there seemed to be a meaning to "I'm not going to fall" but it just wasn't clear. It was presented in such a simple way that there was no wiggle room for readers to slip their own meaning in. If we have no idea what you mean (which I didn't, although I have some inkling) then the poem is completely lost on them.

It's why I said to make this more complicated is so readers have space to fill in their own meanings, even if it's not exactly what you intended. Obviously, from the reviews, a lot of people understand what you mean. But I wouldn't be satisfied with that. The beauty of poetry is making the reader feel something they might not have before, or have them see it in a new light. This means hiding the meaning and creating space around it so readers can think. At the very least, it means prettying up the poem so people like it enough to stop and think.

Overall, there are a few grains of promise here, but this is average until you clean up the flow and layer in more meaning.

Drop me a line if you have questions or comments.

~Rosey

I just really liked this and wanted you let you know! I don't really have anything helpful to say, though. I liked how you fit so much in a few short sentences. It ended nicely, also. I like the word 'fall', and how so many different meanings can be attached to it. I liked the tone, a lot of expression packed into such a short poem. Well done!

<..> Kat

I absolutely love this. I have seen this happen in a lot of my friends' lives. It sucks for the person at the door, but the other person gets free chocolate. I say that's a pretty good deal. Lol. Anyways, I just really enjoyed this poem. I hope you write more just like this one in the future.

Sincerely Yours,

--Jalmoc

Awesome!

Keep up the good work!

Your rhythm and such is great I see no reason to nitpick!

KJR

Hey there! Brilliant! Only 'gonna' seems to take away the feel of it to me...it's just a pet peeve of mine.

Are you...are you stalking me? Just asking because this happened to me last week! (Not kidding!)

Like as usual!

~FW~

I like this! I would love to be the strong willed girl who ignores people that try and sugar you into handing your heart over. Unfortunately I'm not, so this poem gave me some inspiration. Great job! I like.