I'm walking through these empty halls
filled with memories of you
surrounded by a silent darkness
your feelings break through
And I feel your pain
I feel your tears stream down on my face
but it's too late
Now you're gone
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Okay, this poem wasn't bad, but I bet you could do better. I challenge you to sit down and figure out what your story is. How does this all relate? Define your character, add emotion, make it personal. I hope I didn't tear this apart too much, it was pretty good, it just needs some work. Write, write, write!
Hi there!
All right, my comments are below in bold.
I enjoyed this poem. You packed a lot of emotion and story into a small amount of space, good job! I do have one nitpick though, I wanted to know what happened to this person the narrator is thinking of. Did they just break up after dating for a few years? Did their best friend just move to a far away place? Did someone die? If someone died, was it a close relative, a close friend, a teacher? You left me with a lot of questions.
Overall I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
Qara, I found another piece of yours! I love these short, sweet poems of yours
So I made some edits/suggestions above in bold but other than the structural and grammatic stuff I couldn't find anything to complain about. The content of this is really good, amazing story told!
* Good flow
* Good content
* Okay descriptions and imagery
* Nice end line
I'll reward you with... 4½/5 icky sticky spiders. With punctuation and a few edits I'll send you the other half too xD
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hi there!
I really liked your poem! It had a lot of emotion and detail, which is good, but are you talking in his or her's point of view?
I'll just write my thoughts beside the lines:
Which point of view are you writing in? That's my only question! It confuses me. People can imagine this poem as the female's point of view or the male's opint of view. Be careful of the point of view you're using, and make it clear to everyone in your poem. Overall, I liked your poem! Great job and keep it up!
- gleek456 <3
Hmm... I feel kinda lukewarm about this poem. I liked it, it was short, sweet and expressed deep emotion, but something confused me.
How did you feel the other persons tears on your face? Do you mean by their sadness?
And I think maybe you could've made it longer. I wondered what drove the person away, or where they went. Did they die? Or just leave?
Not one of your best poems, but not one of your worst. Lukewarm...
Deanie x
Well done, I can't find anything wrong, at all. I felt the emotion in it. Loved it! Keep Writing!
The line "your feelings break through" is too short to flow with the rest of your stanza, in my opinion. In fact, the entire poem is too short to evoke much emotion at all. Is the person dead? How did you know them? What kinds of feelingsdid you have when they died? Show, don't tell. Oh, and one more thing...what are you too late for? Why are their tears on your face? Okay, that's two things, but this left me with a lot of questions. xD
Hope I helped! A bit.
>>Annie<<
I'm walking through these empty halls,
Ffilled with memories of you,
Ssurrounded by a silent darkness
Yyour feelings break through.
And I feel your pain
I feel your tears stream down on my face You could take away the 'I feel'. It would make it more powerful sounding, I think.
but it's too late.
Now you're gone. I think you should take out the 'now' so it would just be 'You're gone.' but that's just me. I think it would sound better.
I really like this. It's powerful and sad and heartbreaking. Keep writing!
Sierra
Hi, firstly I liked the poem and secondly I will only comment on the content rather than grammar, as that is something I am sure you will be able to do on your own time. I liked the first part of the poem because I could actually connect to it and understand the way the poet felt, however I find the last part of the first stanza confusing:
I don't really understand how that can happen as from my understanding, the person you are talking about is gone, what would make more sense to me is for you to express "your" feelings since you are writing the poem.
Regarding the second part of the poem, it is confusing because you cannot feel someone's pain or tears if she/he is gone. I really like the last part of the second stanza:
It goes straight to the point, from that one sentence I can understand how the poet is actually suffering.
I believe that this poem has good content and emotion, the length of it is not really important because someone can express something even in one sentence. My only advice is for you to clarify your sentences. Good luck
This is a really great poem. The emotion is wonderful and the flow is great too. All you need is punctuation and it'll be perfect.
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hi! I like this, and I love the idea of someone else's tears on your face as if part of them lives on in you. That's great. But I think we need a little more detail, like who the person is and their relation to you/the narrator, or even just what halls you're walking down - school halls, or something else? I like it, and it has plenty of emotion, but I'd love for it to be a bit longer and more detailed.
Hello Bamboozler ^_^
) I thought that the faint imagery and emotion really came through, and gave me a sort of cold-but-warm feeling.
I really liked this poem, even though it's short, and has a few problems (which can easily be fixed
Nitpicks:
I'm walking through these empty halls,
filled with memories of you.
Surrounded by a silent darkness <3 this line
your feelings break through this line has been mentioned quite a bit, I get what you're trying to say, but it isn't really coming through, maybe add 'as' at the start? (also, add a full stop at the end)
Now I feel your pain
I feel your tears stream down on my face get rid of 'on'
but it's too late
Now you're gone
(as a note, I didn't do the commas ect on the second stanza, because other reviewers have already pointed it out)
Fix it up and it'll be great
What I'd really like to see though, is for you to expand on this, I think it has so much potential and you could explain what is going on to the reader.
Keep up the writing!
~Tinkem
i like the poem.. but the only thing is, i would add more and express how u feel more, anddon't jump from u to him to u... let your voice shine through
( sorry if i'm being alittle too rude about, just trying to be honested)
keep writting
~klemieux51
Hello there, Fellow Bamboozler. :3
The poem was good but there were problems which need to be solved. like the unrelated stanzas. And especially the punctuations. They are very important for a poem to sound good to the reader and if a poem doesn't sound good then the reader would lose interest. I have some nitpicks for you.
The starting was good but it would sound better if it is like this: I walk through these empty halls. I think that it would sound better but it is up to you to decide as it is your poem. But the lack of punctuations makes the stanza look awkward and sound awkward too. The last line does not fit with the rest of the stanza. Doesn’t make sense. Other than that, everything was good.
The above stanza and this stanza are not at all related. It seems as if it were different parts of two different poems. You need to explain a bit more for the reader to know what you exactly want to convey through your poem. And the second line in this stanza is a bit too long. It doesn’t fit with the other lines which are comparatively way smaller than it.
The ending was a bit convincing. All in all it was a good poem which needs a bit of fixing and I know you can do it.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
Okay, I found this poem a tad confusing. I think it may have had something to do with this line:
It took me awhile to somehow figure out how it fits into the poem. I think that you need to explain it a bit more. I had to read it about four times to somehow understand that line. Maybe say put an extra stanza there to explain the pain that the character, who's pain the narrator felt, went through. It'd make it easier for people to understand. At the moment the poem seemed very vague and I feel as though there is an explanation behind it all. So, expanding the poem and explaining stuff a bit more wouldn't hurt.
Also, I noticed some tense mix up.
You have 'walking' there, which is present tense then you have 'surrounded' and 'filled', which is past tense. I think that you're meant to do it on the present tense, since you wrote the second stanza in present tense. I'd suggest that you play around with the wording a bit since, "filling with memories of you" doesn't exactly make sense. What about "Memories of you fills my mind." Or something like it.
But overall, not bad.
First off... Go Team Bamboozle. Second, great poem! A few helpful hints, though...
First, is punctuation!
Next, capitalization!
You capitalized the first letter in lines 1, 2, and 4 of the second stanza, along with the line 1 in the first stanza. Why is that? Lets make it flow, shall we? I've seen every line is capital, every line is lower, or base it on when you use periods. Any would work, but it needs to be even, okay? I suggest, (if you went with my punctuation help) capitalize first word of first stanza. Also, capitalize the first word of the second stanza in lines 1 and 3.
I realized that I didn't make this clear before, but a good idea would be to move the very last line in with the second stanza. That would make more sense, so I'm guessing that you accidentally hit enter.
This is a really good poem. I suggest beefing it up with more stanzas. Another idea is more feeling, I want to understand what is running through your head by only reading this poem. I didn't quite get that from you. Give a little more info and a little less mystery. Cliff hangers are good but I need to know more in this poem so I'm not lost in a room full of mirrors.
This is an excellent poem! Can't wait to see more poems from you!
~Fortiiii(:
I'm a little confused by this, but here's my comments!
would sound betterBrilliant! Keep writing!
This is kind of confusing. How are you feeling his/her tears? And you had a small problem with capatalization. Also, try saying "Now you're gone" instead of "you're gone now" it makes the poem flow easier. Other than that, good job. Keep writing.