Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar! I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep this in consideration! Thanks <3
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“Why are you out here?” That was Ember piping up, her voice carrying. Good girl. “You asked us a bunch of questions before, but how do we know why you’re out here? You said we were stupid to wander the Wilderlands, but we were fine until you came along!”
A grunt. “Then you’re both fools. It’s a wonder the two of you weren’t ripped to shreds. It’s probably lucky I even found your friend before the river swallowed him whole.”
“I’d rather be dead then enslaved,” Ember responded without hesitation, shards of steel in her voice. “And you didn’t answer the question.”
“Be that as it may, you are in no position to make those decisions, make demands of your situation, or ask me foolish questions that have no relevance to you,” the stranger said. “Now stop talking.”
“It has relevance to us since you’ve taken us hostage,” Cassius said, or rather, grumbled.
They peered back around the edge of the tower. The stranger stood across the fire from Ember and Cassius. Ember stared defiantly up at him, chin jutting out and expression focused like she would run him through if she could. Cassius was petting the downy, cream feathers on the back of Artemesa’s neck and watching the fire as if pretending to remove himself from the situation.
“But who are we going to tell? If you’re just going to keep us prisoner, what does it matter if you tell us?” Ember pressed, leaning forward on the log. She was close to the fire now, close enough that the heat should begin the hurt her skin. But she’d always liked the flames, and she didn’t seem to even notice now.
The man crossed his arms. “How about this. I’ll tell you what I’m doing here if you tell me about the friends you’ve got hiding behind the tower.”
They froze and heard Alanna gasp behind them.
To Ember and Cassius’ credit, neither of them glanced over at the mention. Cassius did look up at the man, but whatever will and wits they had kept them from blatantly confirming the man’s words.
“Oh, and I suppose you thought I wouldn’t notice?” The stranger didn’t even glance over his shoulder. “If they had some way of attacking to free the two of you, I reckon they would have already done so. As I see it, they could run now, maybe their smart enough to stay out of the forest but as they weren’t on the road following us before, I doubt it. Or they come over here, I bind their hands, and you’re all together again. Death by the forest, or trapped for a while with their companions.”
They held out their hand and Alanna took it. They glanced down at her, and she stared up at them, fearful.
“C’mon,” they said softly, and together, they stood.
When they walked out from their place beside the tower, Ember glanced over towards them. The stranger turned with her gaze, expression conveying nothing of what he might have been feeling.
As soon as the stranger turned from her, Ember glanced down at the fire and held out her palms. “Adolebitque,” she spat.
Her eyes turned gold and a shroud of ghostly, flickering flames crawled across her body like she was momentarily engulfed. So rarely did she ever use magic, or in their vicinity, and they blinked at the brief surprise of it. She burned, as those the flames called to her.
And then the campfire hissed and leapt towards the sky with a roar and a rush of heat.
The stranger fell back, but the flames were too high and intense to see Ember or Cassius. Their heart slammed against their chest, and they pushed Alanna away. “I think that’s our cue,” they said.
Ember rushed from behind the fire, running towards the far side of the tower. Her eyes lit up her face, still a bright, burning golden. The mirage of flames licking up her arms remained but began to fade as she ran into the darkness.
The fire was unnaturally large still, much bigger than a fire should be. Nor had it become a magefire blue. It was a pillar of fire, lighting up the entire area in a brilliant amber light. Heat washed over the area, an almost unbearable and crippling heat that no fire should have, not like that.
They turned, tugging on Alanna’s hand, and ran for the road. They only had so many places to go, and the man was right, it was stupid to risk the Wilderlands. But he was much taller, and probably more athletic. He would catch up to—”
“ENOUGH!”
Rowan didn’t stop to look back, but Alanna did, and she let go of their hand as she came to a perfect halt. They stopped then, just as Alanna cried, “Cassius!”
The stranger held Cassius with an arm around his waist, safely away from the fire, and a dagger to his throat. Artemesa was beside them, head pressed to the ground, and growling loud enough to hear over the roaring of the fire. Cassius’ face was curled into a sneer, and his hands around the man’s arm at his throat.
“Call off the fire, Ember!” the stranger shouted. “We’ve already done this once, and I will put this knife in your boy’s throat if you take another step further from him.”
Ember plodded out from the tower, no longer appearing as though on fire, but glowering all the same.
“I don’t know what the fuck you did to that flame, but you’ll recall it if you want your friend to live,” the stranger told her, illuminated by the terrible flame.
She hesitated, and then tucked her chin down. “I don’t know how to stop it.”
“Cessar—” Cassius began, and then went still again as the stranger twitched. His hair began to glow, flickered, and then went out.
“Shut your mouth,” said the stranger.
“Was trying to stop it,” Cassius said. After a moment had passed, and the stranger made no moves, he wriggled slightly. “Em doesn’t know much magic. I do. I was trying to stop it.”
The stranger glanced up at Ember. She nodded. Then he glanced over at Rowan. Their heart was finally beginning to slow, but there was a knot in their gut that wouldn’t leave. They nodded.
Cassius was either covering for them to hide their magic, or maybe he was being genuine. Either way, no need to reveal their own skills.
“Quickly,” the stranger said. “The others, come closer.”
They approached, leading Alanna forward. Ember mirrored them, and Artemesa continued to growl, claws tearing into the ground.
“Cessare ignis,” Cassius tried again. Silvery mist blew from his mouth, and that which caught the fire rippled in a rainbow spectrum of colour. His hair glowed with a similar light, and then they both evaporated.
The edges of the fire flickered blue. Then the pale, sky colour spread until the fire was casting an ethereal light across the ground, and the fire was shrinking back to a normal size. The blue faded back to a gentle orange, and Cassius let out a shuddering breath.
For a moment, everyone was still. Then the stranger let go of Cassius, and he dropped right to the ground. Artemesa was at his side immediately, putting her head over him protectively.
“Hopefully,” said the stranger, “that was the last time you thought, even a little, that it was a good idea to attempt escape on an empty road with no one around. Next time, you don’t get off with a meek warning and a threat of harm.”
word count:
1,273
translations:
adolebitque = burn.
cessare ignis = cease fire
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey <3
You know, Ember sort of reminds me of her cx
Spoiler
AHHH oof.
I had to read this sentence a couple of times to understand what it was saying cx
So, would Ember be a firebender? :p
So close
I noticed you said "the stranger" a lot in this chapter. I do understand though, since you haven't introduced his name yet, that it would be hard to call him something else. I just thought I'd point that out if you could figure a way to work around that!
I love your magic description! I could picture this image in my mind very quickly
I would agree with other reviewers that I thought they all could beat that one man together with their magic and whatnot. Compared to what they have all done in the past, perhaps they seemed to be overcome a little too easily? Or maybe there's more to the situation/the man than I am aware of.
Man, these guys have had it rough xD I wonder what's going on with everyone at the citadel. Or, what's left of it anyway. And I'm curious to see how the kids are going to escape this guy (or maybe even befriend him, I am still hoping cx)
Much love <3
omg yes
I've actually thought about this a lot and she would either be a firebender or an earthbender! Firebender because she's got the emotions of one, but earthbender because of her ability to withhold against/stand her ground against basically anything!
ye, there's got to be more challenge with them not escaping! I've got to rework that in draft two. I appreciate the notice of that!
thank you <3 it is so, so appreciated, I cannot stress this enough!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And one fourth of the way there,
First Impression: This fight scene seems a tad unrealistic like the decisions made by the characters were forced so that it could have this outcome. This stranger character is getting away with this stuff much too easily.
I'm pretty sure Rowan could do a lot of things to free them so why doesn't he jump in here. He was very quick to attack in the citadel earlier and he even used spells just to warm himself on the way to class. Very unlikely that he wouldn't attack after his cover was blown.
Finally.
Artemesa has so far been totally useless. Can't she do anything to distract this man long enough to throw him off long enough for Cassius to run away.
Why is Rowan just watching all of this?
I don't see what Rowan gains by hiding their skills here. Its a life or death situation and with some magic this man could be easily dealt with.
This is much too hard to believe that the stranger could subdue them so easily. Yes they are tired and hungry but its four to one and with magic on the side of three of them. The characters seem to be good enough to evade those men in grey masks earlier when they had to but now they are making bad decisions because the plot appears to need them captured.
And that's it.
Overall: This fight scene feels way too much like the outcome was forced. This stranger shouldn't be able to pull all of this off with such little resistance.
Sorry if I came off a bit harsh in this chapter but the decisions made here just didn't feel real. As always take what you think will help and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
noooooooooo
I feel like Cassius was kind of forgotten. Actually, maybe I misread it, but I feel like Ember forgot that she was tied to Cassius as well? I think I remember Big Scary Guy tying another rope between the two of them, but maybe I'm dreaming. or maybe the flames weakened it enough to break.
I do wonder why the children are being cautious with this guy and not just freeing Cassius, but maybe there's a lingering threat of Big Scary Guy coming back with friends? They outnumber him 4 to 1 with magic on their side. Quick thinking could have freed everyone AND buckled Big Scary Guy to obey them. It all definitely just felt like wasted effort, but I do know two things that are noteworthy here -- well maybe three.
1. Ember actually used magic amazingly well. Like what a HUGE spell. It absolutely felt like they could have been freed with Ember's excellent (or lucky) use of magic here, and this could be stellar foreshadowing for later on in the story. Knowing Ember has an untapped talent in magic (if you will) is really huge.
2. Cassius successfully tamed that magic spell. At the start of the novel, we've seen him struggle with magic. That's when we learned that using the right words is incredibly important to successfully wielding magic. I almost expected Cassius' magic to backfire and cause even more grief that would free them or turn the tables, y'know? but he did it RIGHT. It was successful! And THIS is more foreshadowing for later as well -- Cassius could turn out to be an incredible mage! ("Could" being the keyword there.)
3. This one is kind of a rambly point for me 'cause Rowan definitely had a significant presence here, but they were not quick to use magic anymore. Were they reluctant to use it from the very beginning? But judging from the fact they were quick to run due to adrenaline, I wonder if perhaps Rowan froze from fear and anxiety. Perhaps Rowan still has a weakness in confrontation and, therefore, didn't think clearly enough to use magic? They're two very distinct perspectives on what exactly was going through Rowan's mind here, but one thing is certain: Rowan did NOT opt to use magic immediately to save them.
That led to the safe idea of not revealing their magic, which was a decision I agree with as a reader, so it ended up being a good thing in the end that Rowan didn't choose to use magic, but only because they were in the situation they were in. Rowan is clearly the better magic-user, but why reveal it at a time when they couldn't guarantee everyone's safety?
I STILL DON'T LIKE THIS GUY. I don't like how he keeps winning like this. He plays dirty. I know he must have his own story, his own reasons, his own goals -- but he's being completely unreasonable and cruel and I JUST. DON'T. LIKE IT.
I shall continue to read the next part soon, and I look forward to catching up some mooore!!
Another one from me, sorry!
I'd get rid of the 'said, or rather,' as I don't think it has any added impact here.
As you have quite a lot of characters in this chapter, I'm getting confused as to who you're talking about again.
should be 'they're'.
Again, sometimes it was hard to follow when you were talking about Rowan, especially when you hadn't mentioned their name before having the character do something but other than that a good chapter.
Out of interest, what are your plans for the translations? It's super cool that you've done the extra research and adds depth and dimension to your world, but are you thinking that they would be at the bottom of the relevant pages? Or would you not give the translation to your reader and instead let the description of the outcome speak for itself? JK Rowling did so much research behind the words she used in Harry Potter, and part of what I think is so great is that people put in a tonne of effort to discovering all the little hidden meanings.
Happy review day!
Icy
thank you for all your reviews, I really appreciate them!!!
I'm not actually sure what my plans for translations are? I was using Latin as base for this first draft until I decided whether to try to make up my own language or continue using it. If there was translations, I would probably collect them all at the back of the novel? but since many people on here, when reviewing, only review a chapter or two, I figured I'd put them in just so they made sense (because I think it's fun to know how the characters ask for their spells!)! I'll have to think about this one though!
again, thank you so much <3 Happy Review Day!