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Young Writers Society


Violence

Children with Stars in their Veins (Prologue)

by mellifera


It began in the north.

There was a man that didn’t live in Glacier’s Keep, but nobody knew that. The man had a baby with dirty dishrag coloured hair, but it wasn’t unusual for a father to carry his child through the streets.

This child was not his. But nobody would know that.

It was bitterly cold, and if the baby hadn’t been asleep, she might have cried. It might have drawn attention – what’s a man doing with a babe out in this cold anyway? – had the thrill of celebration not been humming in the air. Candles lit the steps up to the palace, where the king and queen of the Divine Tundra were holding a feast for not only the beginning of the new year, but the birth of the crown princess.

The infant was hardly a day old and had long since fallen asleep as the night of the first day of the joyous new year bled into the second morning. Queen Aisha, of course, was busy with the merrymaking. She did not have leniency to be attending a sleeping babe. That was the wet nurse’s job.

Madam Lina Maier, the royal wet nurse to the newborn princess, was as deep in sleep as her charge.

With the festivities and heavy leisure that lay over the keep, it was not hard for the man with the baby that wasn’t his to enter. It wasn’t hard for him to make his route through the palace, even.

After all, who would suspect anyone had come to steal the infant princess? And the truth was, nobody would.

There were no guards outside the princess’ nursery. Madam Lina had snuck herself a glass of the finest southern wine, brought out for the occasion, and she was not known for holding her drink. Her snoring masked the sound of the man taking the red-faced, swaddled baby and replacing it with the child who was not his.

The princess’ hair was brighter, more gold, and she was bigger than other child, but Madam Lina wouldn’t notice when the babe kicked a fuss several minutes later. In the cold sliver of moonlight from the window and the flicker of candlelight, she was an infant just as she’d been left. If her blanket wasn’t made from the same pelt as the others? Nobody would think on it.

It began in the north. It wasn’t meant to end in the north.

Summermount, bright and proud in the Ruby Desert, was the next. Compared to the north, it was much more dangerous. There was a celebration for the new prince’s arrival, of course, but Queen Nayeli was much more vigilant. Her baby boy was more important than gold, and she hardly let him out of her sight.

Dangerous, difficult, but not impossible. Soon, the babe in the prince’s crib was not the queen’s child.

It was the baby of the Saltwater Kingdom, the infant of the Viridian Isles, that proved most difficult. As passage from the mainland to the Isles to steal a baby were not as easy as one may believe. The exchange of infants wasn’t nearly as difficult, but the transportation and the angry Silken Sea made the journey an unfavourable one.

The prince of the sky was the next. Queen Juliette was an ambitious young queen and knew how to perform, how to achieve what she wanted, but not an overprotective mother. The babe was frequently left unattended save for the maids who watched over him and cleaned his chambers.

Swapping the princess of Chromium was intimidating, but achievable. The horrible gargoyle statues were ever on the lookout, but if they could tell the difference between the queen’s daughter and the imposter, they did not react. It was the screams of the infant, wrapped in blankets threaded with gold, that proved to be most troubling.

Despite the setbacks, they had done what they achieved. All five trueblood heirs of the great kingdoms were no longer in their parents’ houses. Not one of the current trueblooded ruler’s children would pass their blood rituals.

The kingdoms would, one day, fall into chaos.

“You’ve achieved above and beyond what was expected of you.” The man who spoke was a short man with round ears and sharp features, his black hair beginning to grey, and stony eyes.

He was also lying for diplomacy’s sake. Jax had done exactly what was expected of him. He had stolen and replaced every trueblooded child born in each kingdom. He hadn’t gone above standard at all.

The woman who stood next to the short man said nothing. She watched Jax with those cunning eyes she had. She knew Jax hadn’t done what this man was claiming he had. Margaretta was smarter than Guildmaster Salvador gave her credit for.

He’d regret that one day.

The man Jax was dismissed with more coin than he’d entered the room with. This would not last.

It was not long after the eight anniversary of that first exchange that he was called back to the Guildmaster’s study.

“I was assured there would be only one trueblooded child of each kingdom!” Salvador was uncommonly red in the face, veins bulging from his skin like termites trying to burrow out from his flesh. He was usually collected, even in his anger, and it was what made him seem cold at times.

Margaretta, his scribe, watched them. It wasn’t the first time she had seen him in such a fit. Jax didn’t look fazed, but he was stiff, ready to disengage should he be threatened.

“I was not the one in charge of the spellwork,” Jax replied coolly. “If you are asking what went wrong—”

“I am.” Salvador pressed white knuckles into his desk. “So why is it that I hear of a second child of Glacier’s Keep?”

Jax didn’t have an answer for that. He knew it, Margaretta knew it, and Guildmaster Salvador was too furious to care who had an answer.

“Surely one trueblooded child in the hands of their parents—”

“Finish that sentence,” Salvador snarled. “What’s the point of eradicating the necessity of trueblooded rulers if you leave one in a crown?” He paced to his window, staring out over the forest stretching towards the mountains. Behind his back, Jax and Margaretta exchanged glances.

Jax had been under the impression this was all because of the blood theory the Council had discussed on trueblood acting as a protective measure against whatever defences the Ruins scattered across Stellarsyl had that kept swallowing all trace of those who adventured there.

It was Margaretta who cleared her throat, however. “So we must trade another child out.” She tilted her chin, and if he hadn’t known better, Jax might have instinctively deferred to her.

Salvador turned, hands clasped behind his back. “No. We have no need of this… inconvenience.” He returned to his desk and stared at Jax, who shivered under the steely gaze. “You will journey to the Divine Tundra. When the infant is born, no one will think twice if she is too weak to survive.”

Margaretta stiffened, but Jax stared at the Guildmaster with confusion. “I don’t follow.”

“You’ll kill it.” Salvador let out a long-suffering sigh, as if explaining the intricacies of politics to a new apprentice. As if he’d suggested an afternoon ride in an automated carriage.

It did not sit so comfortably with Jax. “Guildmaster, I must protest—”

“Is it your job to defy my orders?” Salvador’s eye bored into Jax until his mouth snapped shut once more. “You will kill the child, or I’ll find someone who can. You’re dismissed.”

It was the night of his departure for Glacier’s Keep that Jax found Margaretta in the stables, stroking the nose of the sleek-coated Clydesdale he was tacking for the voyage.

“You aren’t going to kill the baby,” she said, without pausing her ministrations. The horse snuffed softly into her hand.

Jax watched her, and she saw the way his eyes crinkled in the light of the single lantern from the corner of her eyes. “Is that an order, m’lady?”

It didn’t make her laugh, but it made her turn. “Would you obey it if it was?”

By all accounts, Margaretta was far more equipped to lead the Chronicler’s Guild than Salvador, than any member of the council. She had a sharper mind, an even sharper tongue. Jax knew nobody who would object were she to be the one at the head of their Council.

“The northerners will attempt to track her down,” Jax said.

“Yes,” Margaretta agreed.

He ran a bristle brush over the silky coat of the Clydesdale. His name with Justiciar. “If they discover what we’ve already accomplished in the past eight years…” He ran his hand to catch the dirt he may have missed. Justiciar didn’t deserve to have irritations under his tack, rubbing against his skin.

“Everything we’ve worked for would fall apart,” Margaretta finished.

Indeed. Everything they had worked for would be for naught, and each of them would likely face a royal punishment. Death would be a mercy for most. He imagined, as the guilty one, he would endure far worse.

“What would I do with the child even if I managed to spirit it away?”

Margaretta leaned against the horse’s flank and watched him. She was calculating, always calculating. “Bring her here. We have her sister, she deserves to grow up with family.”

“The girl’s young, not stupid. She knows how pregnancy works.”

“Why don’t you leave the talking to me.” Margaretta handed him a hoof pick. “All I ask is that you bring the child here. I will discuss the matter with Isa’s parents. We’ll find a way.”

Jax hummed as he picked Justiciar’s hooves out, freeing them of stray rocks and muck. He slid the pick into its placeholder on the wall outside the stall and grabbed the all-purpose saddle he’d set on a saddle rack in the aisle.

“And Salvador?” he called, approaching Justiciar to toss a blanket and pad over his broad back.

“Like I said, leave the talking to me. He’ll listen.”

“If he doesn’t?”

Margaretta didn’t respond. Jax didn’t need her to.

She was gone by the time he had secured his saddlebags and mounted. He didn’t spare a glance back as he turned Justiciar onto the road that travelled north, to the Divine Tundra, and spurred him forward.

The disappearance of the newborn princess nearly sparked a war between Glacier’s Keep and Summermount, but with the looming menace of the cold seasons fast coming, the north retreated. Frostbite was a more vicious killer than a whole army. They didn't need both at their doorstep.

Salvador did not remain Guildmaster for much longer, and there were not many tears shed over the loss. It was not remarkable news that Margaretta was chosen to succeed him.

And it was not hard to fool an eight-year-old into believing a fake pregnancy.

It ended, as it wasn’t meant to, in the north.

word count

1,830


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Sat Sep 19, 2020 7:10 pm
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Riverlight wrote a review...



Hello there, @mellifera! It's Vil here with the more detailed reviews you had requested.

What I Like

It began in the north.

That right there was an intriguing hook to start with, and it really made me want to know what was going on.

What I Didn't Like
There were a lot of places that felt wordy, verbose.

The infant was hardly a day old and had long since fallen asleep as the night of the first day of the joyous new year bled into the second morning. Queen Aisha, of course, was busy with the merrymaking. She did not have leniency to be attending a sleeping babe. That was the wet nurse’s job.
Madam Lina Maier, the royal wet nurse to the newborn princess, was as deep in sleep as her charge.
With the festivities and heavy leisure that lay over the keep, it was not hard for the man with the baby that wasn’t his to enter. It wasn’t hard for him to make his route through the palace, even.
After all, who would suspect anyone had come to steal the infant princess? And the truth was, nobody would.
There were no guards outside the princess’ nursery. Madam Lina had snuck herself a glass of the finest southern wine, brought out for the occasion, and she was not known for holding her drink. Her snoring masked the sound of the man taking the red-faced, swaddled baby and replacing it with the child who was not his.
The princess’ hair was brighter, more gold, and she was bigger than other child, but Madam Lina wouldn’t notice when the babe kicked a fuss several minutes later. In the cold sliver of moonlight from the window and the flicker of candlelight, she was an infant just as she’d been left. If her blanket wasn’t made from the same pelt as the others? Nobody would think on it.

Summarizing this chunk here better would allow myself (and others) to read it a bit more easily. Long chapters can be good, but to have a long one to start off with can be very discouraging.

I'm guilty of this too, but a lot of the stuff here felt like info dumps-- the kingdoms, the blood heirs, etc. I was also a little confused about the pregnancy part-- it just didn't make sense to me, but I may have read it wrong.

I really felt disconnected with all of the characters here, and-- this probably sounds terrible-- I was unmoved by the kidnapping of children. I think that adding some more emotional points in your prologue, you could really create something great to work with here.

In Summary
So, this ha been my more detailed review for the prologue, I really hope that it helps you out! Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




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Thu Sep 10, 2020 7:53 pm
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Omni wrote a review...



Hey there melli! Scribbs! I am not sure what my nickname for you is yet XD Happy Revmo though! There’s quite of this and I plan on reviewing all of them for RevMo if I have enough steam to do so! Trying to get that next review star, y’know? Okay! Let’s begin! I do wanna let you know a bit about my review style before I do begin, though, just so you’re prepared because my reviews aren’t like others, they’re quirky xD jk buT SERIOUSLY I do mostly critiques or plot questions, and I tend to focus quite heavily on characters and plot, with dialogue and action as a secondary focus. I also look to see if this has enough traction to keep an average reader hooked and have them continue to read. I do end up being critique-heavy unless I can’t find anything, and ramble heavy because I like to take you through my thought process on how I look for the plot, the characters, etc. However, please take what I say with a grain of salt, especially if it’s negative in general, because I do definitely enjoy reading and only review if I enjoy it. So, let’s get started!

I like the beginning here. It’s punchy, direct, and that kind of things pull readers in. Let’s keep reading. You know, usually when people critique things, I’ve been told that a lot of people don’t like prologues because they can be info-dumps or just the first chapter, but I’m rather enjoying this, to be honest. It’s a simple beginning from what I’ve read so far, but it sets things up extremely well.

It began in the north. It wasn’t meant to end in the north.


The second sentence here makes me think that it did end in the north, even if it wasn’t supposed to, and that something went wrong. I know what you were meaning with this line, but is there a better way to explain it, or word it? Right now, off the top of my head, I’m thinking like “Of course, that was only the beginning.” It’s a little cliché of a line, sure, but I think it gets the same line of thinking across without the misguided thinking of a reader like me XD

The man who spoke was a short man with round ears and sharp features, his black hair beginning to grey, and stony eyes.


I noticed that your descriptions of the people in this chapter are straightforward and fairly plain, in a “tell, not show” sort of way. I think there’s a reason for it in this chapter at least, and that’s about how it’s really not about the people, it’s about the children that were stolen. Still, I thought I’d let you know, and we’ll see if it continues in the next chapters.

Okay, so I get why, now, that you put that it wasn’t meant to end in the north. I still would change the wording, or maybe add an “it began in the north, it wasn’t meant to end in the north” to the point right before Salvador reveals there’s a second child in the North, so it makes more sense. I highly enjoyed the first half of this chapter, but I honestly don’t think the second half is needed, and it makes it feel more like a chapter than a prologue, where the entire first part was pretty straightforward in its execution in such a cool way. I think the dialogue slowed it down in a way that wasn’t needed for this prologue. However, this was oh so intriguing and now I wished I read this when it first came out, haha, but hey I’m reading it now! Can’t wait to read and review the next chapter!! I hope this helped :D




mellifera says...


I do wanna let you know a bit about my review style before I do begin, though, just so you%u2019re prepared because my reviews aren%u2019t like others, they%u2019re quirky


*high fives in quirky reviewing style*

thank you so much for your review!! I really appreciate it :D



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Tue Sep 01, 2020 10:42 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! I've been wanting to read this story for so long because the title seemed very intriguing, and what better time than review month? :D I skimmed though the other reviews, so if I am repetitive, I apologize! Here we go c:

The man had a baby with dirty dishrag coloured hair


Ooh, this is such an interesting and unique description of hair!

where the king and queen of the Divine Tundra were holding a feast for not only the beginning of the new year, but the birth of the crown princess.


Usually when you have "not only," "but also" follows it later on. I think this would work nicer if you had "but also" instead of just "but" in the latter part of this sentence.

as the night of the first day of the joyous new year bled into the second morning


This may just be me, but "night of the first day" was a bit confusing for me. Again, that could just be a me problem, but I had to stop and think about it for a bit.

Her snoring masked the sound of the man taking the red-faced, swaddled baby and replacing it with the child who was not his.


Spoiler! :

Image


Summermount, bright and proud in the Ruby Desert, was the next.


I love all of the names of the places!
The next what? Baby swapping thingy? Perhaps, would it sound better if you removed "the"?

Dangerous, difficult, but not impossible. Soon, the babe in the prince’s crib was not the queen’s child.


Spoiler! :

Image


It was the baby of the Saltwater Kingdom, the infant of the Viridian Isles, that proved most difficult. As passage from the mainland to the Isles to steal a baby were not as easy as one may believe.


I think it would flow better if you combined these sentences. But for the second sentence, your subject is "passage," so "were" should be "was."

The prince of the sky was the next.


I feel like prince of sky is a title so it seems like it would be capitalized, but it's your choice! :) And my thoughts about "the next" I mentioned before applies here for me as well xD

Despite the setbacks, they had done what they achieved. All five trueblood heirs of the great kingdoms were no longer in their parents’ houses. Not one of the current trueblooded ruler’s children would pass their blood rituals.


:o (also, it underlines in red "trueblooded" for me; the internet says it should be written as two words, "true blooded"

He was also lying for diplomacy’s sake. Jax had done exactly what was expected of him. He had stolen and replaced every trueblooded child born in each kingdom. He hadn’t gone above standard at all.


Oh xD

Salvador was uncommonly red in the face, veins bulging from his skin like termites trying to burrow out from his flesh.


Ooh, nice description!

Jax had been under the impression this was all because of the blood theory the Council had discussed on trueblood acting as a protective measure against whatever defences the Ruins scattered across Stellarsyl had that kept swallowing all trace of those who adventured there.


This sentence is pretty confusing for me xD Maybe adding commas would help with reading this.

Frostbite was a more vicious killer than a whole army.


Ooh, I love this sentence!

It ended, as it wasn’t meant to, in the north.


I love the repetition/variations of this line. It really ties the whole thing together.

Overall, this is a very nice opening! I'm already invested in this story, curious to see what will happen to those children. I love its premise - it's like the kind of books that I'm into - and the world that you've created is really cool. I'm really excited to read the next chapter. I hope this helped! :D


Image




mellifera says...


thanks for the review!!

(also, it underlines in red "trueblooded" for me; the internet says it should be written as two words, "true blooded"


yeah, I had to add it to my dictionary, but in this world, it is actually combined since it's such a major thing there, and it acts kind of like an adjective rather than two separate words.

again, thank you so much for your review, I really appreciate it! And happy RevMo!!



starlitmind says...


Ooh okay, good to know! :D Thanks for letting me know! And happy RevMo to you as well! <3



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Tue Sep 01, 2020 2:06 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review your prologue. I plan to review all the way up to the present chapters and then keep reviewing as they come out, if you think getting reviews on old chapters won't really be helpful to you, just tell me!
Okay, but to the actual reviewing part!
This sets up the story well, the plot itself seems intriguing and I'm excited to see where to goes. The kidnapping of royal children seemed a little... easy, I would expect people to guard those a little more closely. You could probably get a fine ransom for them. But I don't know, maybe Jax is some amazing sneaky spy kidnapper lie master, but if he is, it would be nice to know that.


The infant was hardly a day old and had long since fallen asleep as the night of the first day of the joyous new year bled into the second morning.

This sentence runs on and is hard to follow.
was the night of his departure for Glacier’s Keep that Jax found Margaretta in the stables, stroking the nose of the sleek-coated Clydesdale he was tacking for the voyage.

This sentence is also long, and I assume you meant taking not tacking.
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!
Overall, I really liked it and I'm excited to see where it goes.
Thanks, and keep writing!
-Andrew




mellifera says...


hey, thanks for the review!!

This sentence is also long, and I assume you meant taking not tacking.


it is meant to be tacking, actually! since you have to tack up horses to ride them, yes, that was intentional :)

again, thank you for the review, it's very appreciated!



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Thu Aug 13, 2020 6:49 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Scribberino!

Thanks for the WRFF request, bud! I realized abruptly that there are some novels I'd been following early in the year that I have neglected to keep up with, so I am working on getting caught up on those, but THIS review is gonna be the one that earns me my 5th blue and I promised you could have that one so here I AM but I promise I'll be back after I get caught up on the other novels to do more ;)

Also, mandatory disclaimer, I am anti-prologue in general, so if this is a bit more cynical than warranted take it with a grain of salt lol

It began in the north.


Oh no, not I t

holding a feast for not only the beginning of the new year, but the birth of the crown princess.


I have a Bad feeling about this already. Oh no.

it was not hard for the man with the baby that wasn’t his to enter.


BAD FEELINGS INTENSIFY

After all, who would suspect anyone had come to steal the infant princess?


Ayup, there it is, bad feelings coming to a head.

“Finish that sentence,” Salvador snarled.


Oop, don't do it, Jax, buddy, it'll end badly for you xD

Justiciar didn’t deserve to have irritations under his tack, rubbing against his skin.


Ahhh there's the horse-y attention that I expect from you my equestrienne frenno <3

~ ~ ~

An intriguing start!

I... will cede the necessity of this prologue. I don't LIKE that I have to cede the necessity of this prologue, but I will xD I assume chapter one is going to start with a many-years-later time skip where the kids are grown up, or at the very least teenagers, something to be interesting to the plot rather than children to be snatched.

I like the character building we have in this. I like the building of Margaretta's character. I like the authority she has and the AUDACITY to go against her boss to do what she thinks is right. I like that Jax knows well enough to obey her rather than Salvador xD I like that she didn't want the child murdered. That didn't sit right with me, and probably would have made me dislike Jax from the start if he'd actually killed an infant in cold blood.

I don't like how distant and impersonal this feels. I know that's probably just the fact that it's a prologue, and that's how they are (which is why I don't like them), but... idk, the prose felt lofty to begin with. Like it's meant to be the funny way a narrator in a movie begins talking to get you pulled into the plot of the movie right away. I didn't love that aspect of it, but, as I mentioned, I am aggressively anti-prologue in general, so I guess I'll stop harping on that now lol

Great start! I am INTRIGUED to say the least for where those children end up. Looking forward to reading more! (AND I JUST EARNED MY FIFTH BLUE STAR, WHHHHAAAAAT)

~Shady




mellifera says...


late response but CONGRATS ON YOUR FIFTH BLUE STAR!!! I'm also pretty sure that you've earned other stars on my works before so I'M HAPPY TO PATRON YOU WITH CONTENT ON YOUR QUEST FOR STARS

honestly I imagined having a prologue like this with the idea that some readers would read it and others wouldn't and it's fine either way? for me, I love all the secrets and insights, so if a book has a prologue that doesn't seem immediately relevant but that I can return to later and be like OH EXTRA BITS, I'm down for it and feel like I've gotten a little something extra? but! it's not something a reader would need to read to understand to story, so for all intents and purposes, it's for fun and not necessity, and we'll see whether it remains or not haha

thank you for the review <333 it's VERY appreciated!! (and I PROMISE I'll get to Fleeting Eternity soon also!!)



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Fri Jun 19, 2020 6:40 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever it is in your part of the world),

It's Harry and I'm here to review you novel(yes you read that right all 47 chapters of it) in hopefully the next four to five days, quicker than that if I can find the time. I saw several chapters of this in the green room and it sounded interesting so I'm going to try to tackle the whole thing. Right here begins Day 1 of the reviewathon

First Impression: Bit lengthy for a prologue. Still manages to do a good job setting up something that promises to be interesting.

Anyway, let's get cracking,

There were no guards outside the princess’ nursery. Madam Lina had snuck herself a glass of the finest southern wine, brought out for the occasion, and she was not known for holding her drink. Her snoring masked the sound of the man taking the red-faced, swaddled baby and replacing it with the child who was not his.


Small point here. Later you make it sound like the babies are a pretty big deal so all these royals appear to be really stupid if they are not doing everything they can to protect the babies.

It began in the north. It wasn’t meant to end in the north.


This sentence feels like its an unnecessary addition.

The prince of the sky was the next. Queen Juliette was an ambitious young queen and knew how to perform, how to achieve what she wanted, but not an overprotective mother. The babe was frequently left unattended save for the maids who watched over him and cleaned his chambers.


Very bad parenting.

The horrible gargoyle statues were ever on the lookout, but if they could tell the difference between the queen’s daughter and the imposter, they did not react. It was the screams of the infant, wrapped in blankets threaded with gold, that proved to be most troubling.


So these gargoyles didn't even react to the man who must have clearly been recognized as an intruder?

He was also lying for diplomacy’s sake. Jax had done exactly what was expected of him. He had stolen and replaced every trueblooded child born in each kingdom. He hadn’t gone above standard at all.


I feel like this would have been a better place to start this prologue. The first few parts could have been summarized into one para and then this next scene could be the event that sets off the story.

“You’ll kill it.” Salvador let out a long-suffering sigh, as if explaining the intricacies of politics to a new apprentice. As if he’d suggested an afternoon ride in an automated carriage.


I don't think you need to have two similes.

The disappearance of the newborn princess nearly sparked a war between Glacier’s Keep and Summermount, but with the looming menace of the cold seasons fast coming, the north retreated. Frostbite was a more vicious killer than a whole army. They didn't need both at their doorstep.

Salvador did not remain Guildmaster for much longer, and there were not many tears shed over the loss. It was not remarkable news that Margaretta was chosen to succeed him.

And it was not hard to fool an eight-year-old into believing a fake pregnancy.

It ended, as it wasn’t meant to, in the north.


This part is the best out of the chapter. That sets up the chapter nicely.

And that's the first one done.

Overall: Bit vague and rushed but you expect that in a prologue so its fine. Good setup and I'm intrigued by the plot. Let's see what happens.

And of course take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed May 13, 2020 10:30 am
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lamur says...



I like your style. Very interesting und intriguing. It makes me to want to read more. Well done!
P. S. Sorry for my too short comment. Just wanted to express admiration :)




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WritingIsFun wrote a review...



This was an interesting piece. I really enjoyed it, I don't quiet get what you meant when you said,

"You will journey to the Divine Tundra. When the infant is born, no one will think twice if she is too weak to survive.” Who are you talking about when you say SHE?

I liked how you started your chapter, but I don't now what to say, that people have already mentioned, so I will just say that I think you did a great job, and I will really be checking out your next chapter.

You explained the babe Jax was carrying in a really good way, like when you said,

"The man had a baby with dirty dishrag colored hair, but it wasn’t unusual for a father to carry his child through the streets." Well, that's really all that I can say about your writing so, have a good one! :)

WritingIsFun




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itsmejr wrote a review...



Hello @mellifera! A quick review for you.

First off, I love your writing. Its fast paced and engaging and I can't wait to read the rest.

I'm not sure what I can say that others haven't but here are a few thoughts.

I feel like it was too easy for Jax to steal each child. I mean even if the parents weren't that present in the childs life surely they would have had some instinct to keep their royal heir safe.

Also for clarification, are the gargoyles alive? It says their statues but it also says their keeping watch so are they magic?

Overall a great first draft. This has a great plotline and I can't wait to see how this goes!




mellifera says...


thank you for your review!!

as for the difficulty of stealing the children, yes! that's something that'll need updating later. I just didn't want to drag it out or go into detail because I didn't want to make this prologue too long!

Also for clarification, are the gargoyles alive? It says their statues but it also says their keeping watch so are they magic?


they are alive actually, yes! I'm glad you caught that haha

again, thank you for the review!! I really appreciate it :D



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Tue Feb 04, 2020 2:12 am
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MC181942 wrote a review...



Holy crap, let's just start there. I've often found myself drawn to fantasy novels and your title fit the bill, it caught my eye immediately. I'm in a creative writing workshop right now and my professor loved this! The way you start out immediately draws a reader in and I couldn't look away from the screen. There are a few parts that were a bit dense for an opening like,

"Jax had been under the impression this was all because of the blood theory the Council had discussed on Trueblood acting as a protective measure against whatever defenses the Ruins scattered across Stellarsyl had that kept swallowing all trace of those who adventured there."

but seeing as this is the first draft it's bound to happen, more often than not my drafts come out even choppier than this. I would suggest softening some of the languages perhaps and then maybe shortening it just a tad. At the end of the day, these are just suggestions and this is your story. I love where it's going and reading it made me think of "Assassin's Blade" by SJM. I can't wait to see where this goes!




mellifera says...


thank you for your review! :)



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Wed Oct 16, 2019 11:34 pm
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Raelyn wrote a review...



First of all can I just say I am in literal love with your title!!!!!!!!!! I am writing a book that is based on the stars and I.... I don't even have words. Now moving on from the title and on to your work. I am so impressed with your raw detail. It is so descriptive and really paints a picture. This prologue is a great length. Just enough to give us some background story, but just short enough that I am very excited to see what will happen! I look forward to reading your next chapter.




Raelyn says...


Sorry this review is a little short, I just want to read your next chapter!



mellifera says...


thank you! and no worries about review length :D I'm glad you enjoyed it!



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Wed Sep 25, 2019 3:42 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey melli, thought I'd return the favour and leave you a review.

I think I'm just going to do this one nit-pick since it's a first draft:

Jax had been under the impression this was all because of the blood theory the Council had discussed on trueblood acting as a protective measure against whatever defences the Ruins scattered across Stellarsyl had that kept swallowing all trace of those who adventured there.

This sentence is a bit on the enormous side and way too much to take in all at once xD

Overall:

Something I really liked about this was how well the logic of the plot worked. You know how sometimes you're planning something and you have to keep changing details so that there aren't any gaps? This doesn't seem to have had that problem. The child who was originally taken has grown up to the point where she would question a new sister being taken. There's no replacement baby to hand who could be switched in such a constrained time period. It just works.

I also think that there was just enough allusion to the spellwork that I get the idea that this was to make the mothers infertile so that no more babies would be born.

I think given that you do attempt some explanation of why this is happening at all it might help if it was a bit clearer. The sentence I highlighted and the thing Salvador said before it didn't make all that much sense to me and I felt like I was missing a lot of context.

My only other issue is that I think the difficulty level for the original switches could be slightly increased. Even now in the UK there's still massive security around the royal family, so when your royals play an actual important part in your society, I think it's unlikely that security would be so lax, without a specific explanation. I think it makes sense for Jax to still succeed, since he's clearly been training for this and planning, but I think it has to be a touch harder.

Hope this helps and let me know when the next chapter is up (though I'll probably see it in the LMS forum),
Biscuits :)




mellifera says...


hey!

This sentence is a bit on the enormous side and way too much to take in all at once


You know,,, I wrote this sentence and I'm like "wow this is a long paragraph with NO STOPS and I'm always complaining about this when I review" but then I didn't change it because pot calls kettle black xD

I'll definitely keep in mind the difficulty! I didn't want to make it difficult because I didn't want to have to emphasise that/make the prologue too long (which I did anyway whoops), but even when I was writing this I was like: hm,,, too easy? (though, tbf, the thought of anyone stealing royal babies is ATROCIOUS. I'm hoping I can build on that later to better explain why it was more lax, but I still agree with what you said!)

thank you so much for the review!! <3 much appreciated :D



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JabberHut wrote a review...



HELLO!

As soon as I read your post on this upcoming LMS adventure, I couldn't pass up on the chance to read it. And let me just say, it was such an exciting start. It's kept me interested the whole way through. I'm curious about Margaretta's ambitions, about Jax and his involvement with the guild, as well as the guild itself. What kind of guild is this? What exactly is their mission? How is this NOT going to bite them in the butt later??

I was a little confused about the fake pregnancy bit, but I feel like that might be addressed later as to what exactly the child saw or how the characters handled that stretch of time. I figured the "parents" would just "adopt" a new kid, but it sounds like they went to greater lengths to ensure the older child/sister would believe this other kid was her younger sister.

I find that the "retirement" of Guildmaster Salvador is a key event that plays into Margaretta's character, and the fact that you give us this piece of her character so early in the novel is very interesting to me. Immediately, we're suspicious of her and her ambitions and what she wants. You did a great job setting her up as a potential replacement for Salvador, how Jax knew she'd handle the role better than Salvador, and then she immediately did just that -- replaced Salvador. Will Salvador come later? Probably not, but it would be exciting if he did!

It's also so interesting to think this guild is giving these children to assigned parents, and I wonder how that is being handled! Is this a whole community of these children? And are there children as old as eight here? I'M SO CURIOUS WHY THEY'RE DOING THIS!

I'm excited to read more! Such a great start that sparks so much interest in what you have in store. Best of luck in LMS! :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




mellifera says...


hey! (let's see if I'm better about replying this time around haha)

What kind of guild is this?


psst the guild is called the Chronicler's Guild! and hopefully,,, their goals,,, will be clearer as I go forward,,,

but it sounds like they went to greater lengths to ensure the older child/sister would believe this other kid was her younger sister.


yes, that's exactly what they were going for! sorry if that wasn't all that clear!


thank you for the review!! really appreciated, as always :D



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Tue Sep 24, 2019 12:46 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi Mellifera! I'm writing this review on mobile so apologies in advance for typos.

On the whole, I enjoyed this. It's an intriguing start, and I feel like the prologue is justified, because the knowledge that all of the heirs have been replaced is obviously going to shape the story considerably going forward. I think you could hold the details closer to your chest, though - there's a moment where you say outright that the man is there to steal the infant princess, and I don't think it's necessary. We can work out what's going on for ourselves, and a little mystery goes a long way in a prologue. It should feel more like a teaser than an excuse to unload backstory.

To that end, I also think the prologue slightly overstays its welcome. Perhaps it's just a matter of personal preference, but I think prologues are usually much better when they're brief. If you cut the prologue after all of the children had been swapped, that would be the perfect length. Similarly, the second half of the prologue, where Jax is asked to kill the remaining infant, might be an intriguing start. But having both of them together steps into information overload for me. It's an awful lot to take in and care about before the story has properly started.

But overall, I did enjoy this. I would definitely read more, and I'd certainly be interested to know more about Jax and Margaretta. Are they planning to undermine the monarchy by revealing that none of the heirs have a bloodright to the throne? I don't know. I'm interested to find out.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




mellifera says...


Hey!

I was actually worried I was being too vague about everything haha. I also agree that it's lengthy for a prologue. I'll definitely take what you've said into consideration about pacing/how the plot will be structured though!

Thank you for your review! I really appreciate it :D




For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle