Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I
wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't
discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar!
I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about
editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep
this in consideration! Thanks <3
*
[Ember]
Ember gave a tug on the rope around her wrists. She was sick of being dragged around like a horse on a lead, the sun was hot and there was no breeze. They’d been walking for hours, and Alanna’s head was drooping so much she looked like a wilted flower. The only good thing that had come out of getting kidnapped was that they were being fed now.
The stranger glanced back as the rope was pulled in his hand. He gave a tug back, harder, and it rubbed against her chafed wrists, jostling her hands. She bared her teeth at him, but he only shook his head and turned back around.
Her hand brushed against her pocket, and that was when she realised she’d completely forgotten about the letter her parents had instructed her to grab.
Damn this random dude.
She leaned over to Rowan, who was closest to her right pocket, and grabbed their hand. They gave her a questioning look, and she pulled their hand to her pocket, eyeing the stranger all the while. Rowan stayed quiet, not that they could say much now with a gag their kidnapper had put on them.
Rowan frowned as their fingers brushed the leather-bound scroll, and carefully extracted it.
She moved the scroll in their hands, so it wasn’t immediately in view, then released them, and gave another tug on the rope.
“Who are you anyway?” she asked, gesturing to Rowan. Alanna watched them blearily, and Cassius was dredging beside Artemesa and staring off into the distance until she spoke.
The stranger didn’t look back, and Rowan began to unfurl the scroll.
“Are you really in a position to be asking those questions?”
She scoffed. “There’s no position I can be put in where I won’t ask questions. Besides, you asked a question. You’re kidnapping children, why are you allowed to ask questions?” she shot back. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Rowan begin to read through the letter quickly.
The stranger didn’t answer. He tugged on the ropes again, and she grit her teeth at the irritation. The skin was becoming raw now.
“I’m going to keep talking until you answer,” she said, pointedly.
The man sighed. “You’re going to keep talking even if I do.”
She beamed, even though he was not watching her. “Yes! So, you may as well tell me. What am I going to do with a name?”
“You can do a lot with a name,” the stranger said, irritably, but he didn’t turn around. “Enoch. Are you happy?”
“No,” she replied. “I’m bound as a prisoner with my friends by a strange, creepy man who means to sell us, and all I know is that his name is Enoch. Would you be happy?”
There was a stretch of silence. The meadow to their left, which eventually turned into forest behind them and in the distance, swayed and rumbled as if agreeing with Ember’s frustration. The tall grass quivered and shook, flaxen and glistening fronds the sun ruthlessly gazed upon.
She looked down at the road for a stone to kick, but the industrial roads were annoyingly flawless. There were no cracks in the polished, shimmering bricks, nor loose bits of their bindings.
Cassius was watching Enoch with a calculating sort of demeanour, eyes scanning up and down as if searching for something.
Then he tilted his head. “What’s a knight of Chromium doing all the way this far northeast, and kidnapping kids at that? Knights are supposed to be honourable.”
Enoch tripped, and then threw his head back to stare at Cassius. She glanced towards Rowan to make sure they could hide the letter. Rowan had it hidden against their wrist, and their face was startlingly bloodless. They stared aimlessly at the ground, looked more shellshocked then she’d ever seen them. Her heart skipped a beat.
“How do you know that?” Enoch demanded, his expression twisted into a half-sneer.
Cassius shrugged. “The crest on your sword,” he said. “It’s the royal crest of Chromium. The only people who ever have royal insignia emblazoned on their sword like that are sworn knights of their respective kingdom. Either you stole the sword, which is a highly punishable offence in itself, or it’s yours, and you’re a knight.” He wrinkled his nose, giving Enoch an unimpressed, dirty look. “I said I’m from the Chronicler’s Guild, didn’t I? It’s a guild of scholars.”
For a moment, Enoch scrutinised Cassius. Then, he turned around slowly. She eyed Rowan, but they were as unresponsive and distant as they had been moments before.
“Brilliant. I’ve got one who thinks he has a smart mouth,” Enoch grumbled.
“Hey!” she chirped. “Cassius is very smart!”
Alanna made a soft noise from her place on the other side of Rowan. “When?”
Cassius’ mouth and nose twitched, in an attempt to abort a smile. “Hey!”
The fake indignance in Cassius’ voice made her smile. Alanna, too, cracked a smile that she aimed towards the ground, the corners of her eyes crinkling a little.
But she had a point. Cassius had noticed the crest on his sword. “Knights are supposed to do the right thing. That’s not kidnapping children and— and their companions.” She shared a quick look with Cassius. Everyone seemed of the silent, mutual agreement not to reveal Artemesa’s true nature.
Enoch made a noise that was almost a laugh, but without any of the humour. “Did you read that in your books too?” he asked, and then shook his head and threw a quick glance over his shoulder. “Knights are just as bad as the rest of the sorry lot that trudge around this forsaken, twisted earth. They just get praised for it.” He made a low growling noise. “Bloody fucking annoying buggers,” he muttered.
“Language!” Alanna cried, and then immediately stumbled and held her hands up to her mouth, eyes wide.
She kept her eye on Enoch, who glanced in surprise over towards Alanna. And then he glanced away.
But not before she saw his mouth twitch. He thought that was funny! He doesn’t have a heart of steel!
Storing that mental note away for later, she gently bumped Rowan’s shoulder. They blinked, and glanced towards her, not looking quite at her. They held out the letter, rolled up once more, and stuffed it back in her pocket. They looked incredibly troubled.
They waved their hand in a dismissive gesture and glanced away again. Later.
Her stomach churned, although it could have also been hunger and not an ominous sense of impending doom of whatever Rowan had read in that letter.
But it was from her parents. How bad could it be?
word count:
1,113
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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HELLOO.
Okay this is probably just me, but it seemed a bit awkward to tie these two thoughts together in the same sentence: Ember's feelings and the weather outside
OKAY this is really random, but I was just noticing my flowers were wilting, and I thought about how people use that as a metaphor/simile for drooping, and now I'm reading that minutes after I thought that
Yay? c:
This cracked me up xD
OOH how did Cassius know that?
Aww I love them all <3
Alanna's so precious
YESS. I am still set on the idea that he'll help them in the end
WHAT. Why must you make me wait :p cx
Looks like you've jinxed it, Ember.
Dudeee what does that letter say? Does it reveal the truth about literally everything?? What else would make Rowan so pale? I hope we find out next chapter; otherwise, the anticipation is going to kill me Dx
I am still very hopeful that Enoch is going to help them in the end. I mean, I don't really think that a "bad guy" could become a knight in the first place. And maybe after all the time he spends with the children, he may become fond of them. I really hope that's the case ^^
<3
Ah, this was meant to be tied together! It's something that's contributing to her unhappiness (because hot sun and no breeze = uncomfy)!
"how bad could it be" none of the characters have ever heard of murphy's law xD
<3 <3 <3
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Continuing on,
First Impression: Another interesting developments. Also is this guy seriously just dragging four kids tied in rope along an open road. Either society her is very corrupt as a whole or no one walks the industrial roads. I'm guessing its the latter.
Bad time to remember that.
Nice tactic by Ember but then exactly where is Rowan supposed to be such that Rowan can's be seen but Ember can. Here you've not given us much of a clue as to who's where. I think mentioning that would be useful.
This man needs to come up with a new line. He's been using the same line for far too many times.
Okay this is lovely to show how Cassius is actually pretty smart. I wonder why Rowan never noticed this earlier though? Rowan is also meant to be very smart and from what we've seen fairly observant.
Okay that letter appears to contain some juicy information.
That's a lovely bit of dialogue.
And another interesting detail.
That's a lovely ending that builds quite a bit of tension on what exactly is going on here.
Overall: This part is great. It reveals some very interesting details while showing us more of the camaraderie these four share.
As always take what you think was useful and forget the rest
Stay Safe
Harry
Ohhhhhhh I forgot about the letter Ember got from her parents!
OMG DUDE. That means Rowan knows the truth, doesn't it. o____o
And what a dangerous time for Ember to remember the letter. XD OF ALL TIMES, EMBER. But I guess now if Enoch did find out, they'd be considered "some lord's kid" but... he'd also get a huge reward for returning them to their true parents, too.
...what did the letter say?????????
I'm so glad Cassius eventually perked up enough to play along with Ember and Alanna. I was like dude, Cassius, you are not one to give up. But his snark about the scholars thing made me lol. I was like yes, he's back!! But good thing Ember has the courage they all need. She has NO FEAR and just talks her little heart out to distract Enoch from Rowan's reading.
Even Alanna was so cute. I love the little bits of them struggling to contain their giggles. BUT THEY DID AND THEY DID SO WELL AND I JUST <3 <3 <3
I do wonder if Alanna and Rowan shouldn't be bound in rope too, or maybe they are and I missed that. But goodness, that's also a lot of rope Enoch was carrying.
I truly have like nothing useful to say 'cause I'm just REALLY CURIOUS ABOUT THE LETTER. I'm pretty sure it's basically the truth about everything, and that makes me concerned for their immediate future because surely Enoch will find that letter and figure things out and then I DON'T KNOW WHAT'LL HAPPEN. Will Gillian and Thom still find them and reunite them and then Rowan shares their knowledge with Isadora and Mishal?? Or will Enoch find out and do something wild and Not Good????
And what's Rowan going to do with that letter?? Someone is bound to find it if they don't do something about it, and that could reeeally screw things up for them. But also I'm curious as to who Enoch is and like what's HIS story?? Knight of Chromium!? (I was also impressed Cassius was the one to point this out but you know, Cassius is smarter than he looks XD XD XD.) An ex-knight would be HUGE, and if HE found out about who the kids are.... He could be searching for redemption with his home kingdom by returning the lost heir. or something.
GAH I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
Hi! It’s AngelLily!
Happy review day! Alright, so, I haven’t read your other chapters, so if I say something dumb, you can ignore it or whatever. So, your beginning drew me in and made me want to read more. Your dialog between the characters is great. I’m like a dialog critic, but yours was very good. The conversation flowed between the characters very nicely.
I did notice that you did not indent, which seems to be the case with a lot of people on here. It’s not that big of a deal, but if we’re trying to perfect your story as much as possible, you might consider doing that.
Grammar mistakes. I really didn’t see any, so good job. You used a lot of great adjectives, which made great pictures in my mind. Each of your characters have different personalities that are noticeable, which I love, because sometimes characters seem to be bland, but yours aren’t, so that’s good!
I really liked this sentence: “Her stomach churned, although it could have also been hunger and not an ominous sense of impending doom of whatever Rowan had read in that letter.” It just had so much juicy description.
You did a great job! Have a great day and Keep Writing!
~AngelLily 😇
thank you for your review!!