Violence

Children with Stars in their Veins (Chapter 22.2)

a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar! I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep this in consideration! Thanks <3

*

His heart slammed in his chest and he stared wild-eyed up at the stranger. He carefully braced himself on the elbow, conscious of the incredibly sharp metal resting on his throat.

“It’s okay, Mesa,” he whispered, hoping she could hear him. He was shaking and trying hard to hold himself still.

Artemesa growled, baring her tiny, partially grown fangs.

“Sky Mother above, you named that thing?” The man eyed Artemesa and wrinkled his nose. “What is it?”

Indignation flared in his chest, but before he could say anything, he heard the crashing of undergrowth. He twisted, cautiously, in time to see Ember burst out of the trees forming a tight line as if coming together to form a wall. She stumbled onto the road, and then twisted to look over at them.

“I heard Artemesa—” she began, and then blinked. Immediately, her expression darkened.

The stranger shifting, standing half between him where he lay and Ember, fuming, on the road ahead of them. “Not another step closer.”

She glowered. “Who’re you?”

The man grunted. “Not the business of the strange girl who was stupid enough to wander into the Wilderlands.”

Ember edged forward, eyes bright and burning. They almost looked orange under the rays of the sun. “Let my friend go,” she said, voice steely.

“I don’t think so,” said the gruff stranger, looking between Artemesa and Ember. Artemesa slunk her way to Ember, head low and snarling. “Where do you two come from anyway?”

“Not the business of a horrible man holding my friend at sword point,” Ember replied, nose crinkled so much that her teeth were bared like she, too, was snarling.

The sword bit into his throat purposefully, and for a second, he believed he was really going to die right then and there.

“The Chroniclers’ Guild!” he cried, shying away from the awful blade. Something prickled against his throat, before sliding down his skin. “The Chroniclers’ Guild,” he repeated, softly, like it would be his shield against the cruel edge of the blade.

The stranger didn’t even spare him a glance, locked in a malicious staring contest with Ember.

“What’s a pair of bloody kids doing in the Wilderlands with no parents and… an overgrown bird?” he asked, nodding towards Artemesa. She snapped her jaws.

“We were attacked,” he said, pulling away until the sword was no longer against his throat. The man wasn’t looking anyway. “And Artemesa’s my friend. And she’s not a bird either.”

Was it smarter to withhold Artemesa’s identity? Mishal’s words echoed in his head. Society is too enamoured by the idea of exploitative profits and killing beautiful things.

“And the two of you? What’re your names?”

Ember folded her arms over her chest, mouth pinching. “Ember. That’s Cassius you’re about to run through. Now will you let him go? Neither of us have done anything to you.”

The stranger finally turned from her, glancing off to the trees. His face twisted like he had eaten something rotten. “I… know places. I could get good coin for the two of you, and probably for the feathered mutt.”

“You’re going to sell us?”

The man winced nearly imperceptibly, and then shook his head. “Need to earn a living somehow.”

Then, without prompting, he bent down and sheathed his sword. Before Cassius could try to scramble up and run, the man had grabbed his shoulder and hauled him to his feet. Then, with one of his hands, grabbed both of Cassius’ wrists and held them. The man pulled out a strand of rope and began to tie his hands together, none too gently.

“Em, run!” he said, wriggling against the binding.

She eyed him, edging forward again, her eyes still alight. “I’m not leaving you.”

He yanked a hand away, but the man caught it as quickly as it had fallen from his grasp. “Go,” he urged desperately.

Ember stared at them, stubbornly not taking her chance to run. “No. If he binds you, he’s going to have to bind me too.”

“Squirm anymore and you’ll find that I have daggers to stick in your back as well as my sword,” the man grumbled.

Cassius froze.

And then he was bound, and his hands and arms were already hurting. Artemesa hung her neck, looking as sullen as he felt, like she had been tied up right along with him.

“You’ve got noble’s wrists. How do I know you’re not some lord’s boy?” the stranger asked, letting his hands fall against his back. The man then approached Ember without waiting for a response.

Ember made no move to flee as the man approached, but as he got close enough and pulled out another strand of rope, she whirled and brought her knee up between his legs.

She spun and made to run for him, but even doubled over, the man lashed out and wrapped a muscled arm around his torso. She shrieked and wriggled like a feral cat, slamming her fists into the arm restraining her and kicking out.

With what seemed like little effort on his part, the man thrust her to the ground and knelt beside her, his palm keeping her flush on the road. “You must have a very small brain to be doing so many stupid things in such a short span on time.”

“You can’t hold us!” Ember screamed, wriggling as he made quick word of tying her hands behind her back. “You can’t hurt us!”

The man pulled her to her feet, and pulled out yet another, longer strand of rope. He tied it around her bindings, and then approached Cassius, and tied it to his. He gave it a yank, and they were jostled together. Ember spit at him.

He pulled them towards Artemesa and hesitated a moment before pulling out a thick strap of cloth. “Tell your beast that whatever it tries on me will come back double on you.”

“She can hear you,” Cassius grumbled. “And she’s not an it, and her name’s Artemesa.”

“I don’t care if her name’s Spinebreaker.” The man used to the cloth and wrapped it twice around Artemesa’s snout before tying it firmly above her nose.

Artemesa watched him with such an intense anger that even Cassius shuddered. The wrath of the dragon was a terrible one. If she was only a little older…

“Let’s go,” said the man, turning from them and giving their ropes a tug. “I want to reach an outpost before nightfall.”

word count:

1,076

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
starlitmind
Review

I'm sorta almost halfway through with this, which is weird to think about

(p.s. usually you put the pov at the top, but you didn't here <3)

“What is it?”


Instead of telling, maybe Mesa should demonstrate..

“Not the business of a horrible man holding my friend at sword point,'


HAH how the tables have turned

an overgrown bird?”


Is that what a baby dragon looks like? xD

The man winced nearly imperceptibly, and then shook his head. “Need to earn a living somehow.”


Okay so maybe right now he's "bad," but he is actually a good person deep down, but he can only survive by doing bad things, but there's actually a lot of good in him if he just born in different circumstances??

“I’m not leaving you.”


I figured :P

“You’ve got noble’s wrists. How do I know you’re not some lord’s boy?”


👀

the man lashed out and wrapped a muscled arm around his torso.


"her torso" I think?

Artemesa watched him with such an intense anger that even Cassius shuddered. The wrath of the dragon was a terrible one. If she was only a little older…


Maybe she'll give out a loud cry, and the rest will track down Ember and Cassius and save them! c:
(or maybe, Mesa is going to save them all. maybe she's stronger than we think she is, even as a baby)

OOH SO there's another issue that has risen. When are these poor characters going to be given a break </3 cx

I feel like this mysterious man is going to help them in some way in the end. Or not. Maybe he tries to go through with his plan till the end. But I'd like to believe that he's going to turn around and help Cassius and Ember <3

User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Sun Jun 21, 2020 6:21 am

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Review number 2 for the day,

First Impression: That was a bit too easy for the guy to tie them both up. Also what on Earth are the other two doing? But still a nice scene.

“Sky Mother above, you named that thing?” The man eyed Artemesa and wrinkled his nose. “What is it?”


Wait this guy can't recognize a dragonling? So Councillor Cephas is just better educated? I mean you said this one was pretty similar to her mother and her mother was easily recognized as a dragon.

“I heard Artemesa—” she began, and then blinked. Immediately, her expression darkened.


Why is she the only who heard Artemesa? The others can't be that far away.

The stranger finally turned from her, glancing off to the trees. His face twisted like he had eaten something rotten. “I… know places. I could get good coin for the two of you, and probably for the feathered mutt.”

“You’re going to sell us?”


So there a thing like that going on. Interesting subplot to this world.

Then, without prompting, he bent down and sheathed his sword. Before Cassius could try to scramble up and run, the man had grabbed his shoulder and hauled him to his feet.


Why didn't he just go for his dagger while being held down. As soon as he moved the sword aside he could've attacked while the man was busy talking to Ember.

And then he was bound, and his hands and arms were already hurting. Artemesa hung her neck, looking as sullen as he felt, like she had been tied up right along with him.


I thought Artemesa had some pretty sharp teeth. Doesn't she at least attempt to attack this man?

She spun and made to run for him, but even doubled over, the man lashed out and wrapped a muscled arm around his torso. She shrieked and wriggled like a feral cat, slamming her fists into the arm restraining her and kicking out.


I think that's her. Also what happened to that fire spell?

He pulled them towards Artemesa and hesitated a moment before pulling out a thick strap of cloth. “Tell your beast that whatever it tries on me will come back double on you.”


For a "beast" she literally did nothing other than make some noise.

“Let’s go,” said the man, turning from them and giving their ropes a tug. “I want to reach an outpost before nightfall.”


And a nice ominous ending.

And that's it for this one.

Overall: You made it a bit too easy for the man here. He encountered zero resistance. But interesting development.

As always take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
JabberHut
Review

NOOOOOOOOOO he is a bad guy and i don't like him ):<

I'm really happy that Ember heard Artemesa's cries and showed up 'cause I'd have been super concerned. It also gave the reader that moment of YAY MAYBE THEY CAN MAKE IT OUT OF THIS despite what eventually happened anyway.

Also, Ember's sass is everything and she said all the right things.

I don't know why they didn't try screaming for Rowan (and Alanna), or maybe Ember's shouting was theoretically loud enough as an attempt to alert backup. But then I got to thinking that mabye the Wilderlands warped itself enough that her sound wouldn't travel to them anyway. :(

I do wonder why Ember and Artemesa didn't try teaming up against the big scary guy, even though he's big and scary. Even big scary guys don't like getting their fingers cut off or punches to the eyes or stabbed behind the knees -- dude, I'll bet Ember might've picked up on some crucial pressure points to go for or even Cassius. I do think I keep overestimating how big Artemesa is 'cause she must be still pretty small if the guy isn't threatened at all by her presence. She must be just a little bigger than a Great Dane, but she might still have enough mass to clobber him to the ground.

Generally, it seemed like Big Scary Guy won this a little too easily.

WIth that said, though, I DON'T LIKE HIM. He's intending to sell them for good coin and I just :( :( :( WHAT KIND OF BLACK MARKET DOES HE WORK WITH ?? Or is selling children NORMAL where he's familiar with? He did mention he "knows places" so I wonder what those places really are.

...and how will people react to Artemesa... WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING

User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Hey there fellow Ravenclaw!

I see you've got a few of these in the green room so I'm going to try and help out a little. I think I may have read one or two of your chapters in the past (maybe even reviewed one) as I recognise the character's whose names I always spell wrong! Nonetheless, I haven't read enough of this to comment much on plot, so I'll just review this chapter as a standalone.

With that in mind, I love it when people write a previously section - especially when posting chapters into segments. Just a thought for future perhaps - it's helpful when a new person comes to review :)

He twisted, cautiously, in time to see Ember burst out of the trees forming a tight line as if coming together to form a wall.

I found this imagery a little confusing, were the trees forming the wall, or was the light forming the wall? Or neither?

“Not the business of a horrible man holding my friend at sword point,” Ember replied, nose crinkled so much that her teeth were bared like she, too, was snarling.

This seems a weird response to his question. Maybe something like 'not somewhere where a horrible man holds my friend at sword point'. Incidentally, I love the concept of sword point - it made me chuckle!

“We were attacked,” he said, pulling away until the sword was no longer against his throat.

If he could pull away, why didn't he do so earlier?

Ember stared at them, stubbornly not taking her chance to run. “No. If he binds you, he’s going to have to bind me too.”

Very brave, but she's not exactly doing anything to try and stop him, is she? At least if she ran she could get help?

Ember made no move to flee as the man approached, but as he got close enough and pulled out another strand of rope, she whirled and brought her knee up between his legs.

Nice try, Em!

“You’ve got noble’s wrists. How do I know you’re not some lord’s boy?” the stranger asked, letting his hands fall against his back.

Would that change things? Maybe Cassius should ask. If he's scared of tying up some lord's boy they should totally take advantage of that.

That's all my comments for now, but I enjoyed the read! I feel like Em could have been more useful here but hey, maybe she's got a trick or two up her sleeve. I also think perhaps you could have done more to build the tension, really make us feel that blade on Cassius' throat (but also, maybe you did that in the previous section I haven't read ;) )

Happy review day!

Icy



rule #1 of being a potato: potatoes gotta defend their friends from negative self-talk
— Spearmint