Young Writers Society

I can't believe this is already over. And you had such a beautiful scene here to end on, how everything was gray and melancholy and sad. The imagery was there, the emotions were there, it felt bittersweet seeing the three of them together. Even when Ashael made an appearance, I felt goosebumps.

It wasn't really specified, but I assume this is a memorial service for just Isadora. Was there anything like this for the others lost in the same fight, or maybe they're all being honored here? Or perhaps they're honoring Isadora like this now that everyone knows she's a trueblood?

I LOOOVE the way you portrayed Alanna here. She is so young, and she is new to this kind of sorrow, and her little young emotions don't know how to process the loss of a family member. To see her emotions evolve throughout the segment was so perfectly heart-wrenching, and I'm so glad Mishal is there to willingly give her that comfort. Even the little braid and new clothes were a perfect touch to her honoring her sister.

The bells symbolism was awesome. I like how this ties with the moment Mishal and Isadora admired the bell tower before. I can't recall if Isadora's love for bells was brought up earlier on at the citadel, but I think that would be a nice touch to emphasize her love of bells. She doesn't seem to have any outstanding talents or interests like the other characters, so I think that may be something to identify her with.

Okay, the rest of my comments I think are related to your questions, so I'm going to dive into those now!

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What did you like and dislike about the pacing (when did you really feel engaged, what parts felt slow or too fast, etc)?:

omg what a loaded question to start with

Okay, I actually answered this one last, so don't be surprised if I end up repeating myself now. But the pacing for me slowed down a bit for each party during the expedition half, but I strangely wanted more expedition time. So that sounds incredibly confusing and I'm so sorry.

First, I loved the time in the citadel. I loved how you introduced your characters, established your world, brought in all these magical elemetns to elaborate on the worldbuilding even more, met unique and interesting characters the whole time. It was all needed and I enjoyed every minute of it.

The expedition part, particularly after the citadel fire, pacing kinda was all over the place. Mishal and Isadora had clear points in their trek like the wilderlands swallowing them up or the bandits, or the rocs or the minotaur/wolves, but it did feel rather formulaic. Between each exciting scene was a period of downtime that kinda dragged on with little purpose other than to recover.

On the other hand, the rest of the children started out strong with meeting Enoch and establishing their relationship with Enoch. I just really frekaing loved Enoch and that whole bit. When Danica's party entered the picture, their purpose was kind lost on me. I didn't really know if I should grow attached to the new characters or not, I wasn't sure what their purpose was, I think maybe the downtime at the barn probably contriubted to the slow pacing, but all of a sudden, things picked up when they left and split up. So maybe the main plot got lost or the characters' hopelessness was getting to me as well, but I wasn't really feeling anything for this trek until something plot-related turned up like the Grey Masks or finally bringing up the idea that they should find Isadora and Mishal (and how some understandably decided not to go).

Hopefully that wasn't too vague of an answer, but I think the rest of the questions probably go into a little more detail.

What did you think about the characters (who was/were your favourite/s, were there any you felt didn’t add anything to the story, who was the most and who was the least fleshed out, etc)?:

My favorite is Mishal, but Ember was right up there. Isadora I wanted to like, but I'm thinking she didn't have much of a character growth as the other two did. Even Cassius, though his kinda petered out for a bit until the final fight before he was kidnapped. Isadora was more of a support for the rest of the cast the entire time.

Mishal, on the other hand, really had to grow into his own. We could see him dealing with fighting and killing for the first real time, we see him battling even emotions for a potential crush or love interest that didn't last very long, we see him stepping up as the eldest of the truebloods with Isadora out of the picture. His character growth was really obvious for me and I enjoyed watching him grow into the young man he ended up being here.

Ember also grew into her own as well. She's definitely a lot fiery, much louder, but she also had to step up. She had to learn to cope with the truth of her upbringing, she identified her own personal goals and had to make choices that would affect her own future. She had to come to terms with the danger of their predicament, learn to deal with other people (*ahem* enoch *ahem*), and generally grew up into a really likable an relatable character.

So the rest of the cast was alright in comparison. Cassius started out really strong, but I feel like we lost some steam from him in the last third-ish of the novel, save for that adorable love interest bit. I'm glad we eventually had a really strong exit from him that made up for the lack of Cassius, so we were reminded how much we loved him before he was taken out of the picture. But I do feel we kind of lost touch with him for a time.

Alanna... Oh, Alanna. Alanna and Isadora both weren't really outstanding. I think this dynamic is really needed, but considering the outcome of both characters now that I've read the ending, I do think seeing them favor each other might help distinguish them from the rest. Alanna does occasionally bring her up, but Isadora hardly does at all, and that's almost sad. If that's on purpose, I'd like to see that emphasized then, like the sisterly love seemed one-sided most of the time. Either way, Alanna's goal to reunite with Isadora was pretty clear, but aside from that, we don't really see her evolve/mature as a character. We're pretty much told she's growing from other characters' perspectives of her, but we never really see that happen ourselves. BUT understandably, she's pretty side-lined as a way to distinguish Isadora and build up Isadora's character until the end.

Isadora didn't have as much growth, but she was significant in keeping Mishal's spirits up as well as picking Margaretta's brain for answers where Mishal didn't quite have the courage to do yet. So she did have a purpose, but it wasn't as much of a character growth sort of way as it was to support the other main characters. I guess you could say her goal was to reunite with the other children maybe, or even to investigate the truth behind the ruins, and then obviously failed that goal, but I don't think I could deduce much more than that from her.

So that does leave Rowan, sadly. They started out strong, but I do think they also petered out at the end. In fact, they were probably most useful in being the smart one to put their clues together, but I don't know if they've really grown as a character generally. They are very learned characters, and they probably have goals related to learning more, but they never seem to pursue any goals after the citadel is burned down. I think that might be where Rowan really lost footing as a main character. Once in a while, they'd step up as the older child, but eventually, Ember was able to do anything Rowan probably could have done. Then Danica and her aprty entered the picture, which mgiht have robbed Rowan even more time too.

Hopefully my ramblings of each character made at least a little sense and hopefully answered your question. XD

There was some critique on the how the beginning was paced/how long it took for the expedition to start (which is 100% understandable). Knowing that Isadora dies at the end and the beginning is the only place I can show her relationship with the other characters, would you still like to see a faster pace at the beginning? (sorry this is a CHUNK of a question):

Nope! I don't want to see a faster pace. I think my pacing gripe is in the expedition part of it. I think the beginning half was absolutely needed to establish relationships, context, and plot elements that later come into play. I feel you understood the need to take advantage of that time, and I was probably more happy with that half than the expedition part. It was far more memorable for me, more enchanting, and each character was really esetablishing their part in the cast before they were suddenly ripped apart into smaller groups. I also wouldn't be afraid of adding more if needed, but generally, I was happy with it.

On the flip side, I'd like to see that kind of balance in the later half when everyone's traveling separate ways. It was very easy to lose sight of everyone's goals, the book's overarching plot was kind of lost sometimes, the pacing was back and forth but generally rushed overall simply because there were 2-3 groups to keep track of that made it seem rather hectic, despite how the pacing might slow for a single group compared to the others and such.

For instance, Isadora and Mishal had a lot more exciting points in their venture, but the pace immediately dropped between each one, save for when they reached the Manor. Then there was a little more plot-driven interaction. But they had the rocs and the wolves and the wilderlands -- they had all these exciting scenes that really kept me interested and on edge the whole time.

The children... didn't. They had Enoch, of course, and the fun that accompanied him. I think when Danica's group entered the picture, the group's purpose started to feel lost, almost as if we were biding our time until it wasa time to split up and move forward with Isadora's demise. (Can I put it ANY MORE HEARTLESSLY??)

So overall, I think it will help to establish the goal/purpose of each group and set it up for how it potentially plays into the first book's overall plot, not necessarily the entire story's plot, and then establishing the obstacles for each group that try to prevent them from reaching those goals. I really wouldn't mind spending more expedition time if it meant watching the children face exciting events that force character growth. Maybe we finally see Cassius step up as a crossbowmen or Alanna learns to pick locks or some crazy character growths like that. Everyone learns to adapt to their own environment in an attempt to achieve their goals and they grow as a person in the process.

(In my mind, its like how the first book of the LotR series basically established how Sam and Frodo started out on their journey to Mordor alone. This novel is establishing how the children will be... addressing the trueblood issue without Isadora. Or something like that. Maybe how they ended up venturing to the ruins without Isadora?)

But now I realize, I could also just be biased too because I love Mishal so much and always looked forward to his perspectives SO I DONT' KNOW ANYMORE. //sob

What was the most memorable scene/chapter?:

I realized my babbling on the rpevious question was leading into this question, so now I'm down here. Hello!

I have several on mind. I enjoyed the children meeting Enoch and dealing with this new scary bad guy, which also triggered Ember's magic and such. This little bit in general was really fun for me.

I also find myself reminiscing of their interactions at the citadel before everything went to hell-in-a-handbasket. Cassius discovering Artemesa and dealing with her, the children interacting with each other like during training, the moment in the village when Rowan's violin was mentioned and Embers blacksmithing and they met villagers they loved as well.

And of course, the wolves/minotaur battle as well as the wilderlands battle. I remember the rocs, but I mostly remember them as a tool to pick off more of their party than anything.

Oh, and the Jax reveal was just really awesome. Love how that was handled for both parties.

If there was anything you would wanted to have gone differently, what would it have been (for me to think about when I go back for draft 2)?:

The way Thom and Gillian was handled at the end did feel a bit last-minute for me. I think I still believe that them returning with Alanna and Rowan and Danica would have been a better way to bring them all in since it was the last chapter anyway. I don't think we dwelled for very long on the idea of Mishal no longer trusting Margaretta, so that whole bit of him questioning her judgment could have been elaborated on. So I guess you have options on how to handle that, but the easy fix would be to have Mishal question her in the next book/sequel/part 2 as opposed to here in the last chapter. I think it'll take extra time to establish that perspective on him since this entire time, he wasn't keen on doubting her too much like Isadora.

I'd also have liked to see the journal brought up again at the end. I forgot who was in possession of it, but it was clearly significant to the plot, and I think it's a good way to setup the idea that their adventure isn't over yet.

It sounds like there are other survivors from the fire, seeing as Ashael was there. I'd have liked to see this better, if we recognize any faces from our time in the village before. My impression is that Ashael isn't going to play a part in the next part, when I feel like he could be helpful in actuality. It was brought up before how Ashael and Rowan were both scholarly-type students, and I think I had brought up at the time how I'd love to see these two differ in opinions or areas of expertise. Doing that could set up who could help with this journal as well as the ruins. Maybe Ashael does better with deciphering old texts and could help ith the journal, while Rowan knows the story details better of historic events and can therefore prove useful when piecing together what happened at the ruins. Things like that.

I feel like Danica's group didn't play much part except to give us Danica to escort Rowan and Alanna. I think their purpose could probably have been made more apparent, but I can't help if this was just a me problem. I remember feeling out of it when I read their introductory chapter, but I never felt like I got a good grasp on their purpose anyway or how they were affected during this whole trueblood fiasco.

I'd also like to get a better sense of Margaretta by the end of this first book, but I kind touched on that already. We started out with her and Jax, and I'd like to see where she's at now. She's kind of dismissed from the room by Rowan (GO ROWAN, BTW!), and I still can't tell if she's lost hope or is still keen on her goal or if she's the bad guy or the good guy or what. I feel like she hasn't been properly tied up here.

Thooose are all the things I can really think of on hand right now.

(opt.) Is there anything else you want to tell me about Starry Veins?:

I love your story and I want to know immediately when you post more or if you post rewrites or something I JUST WANT TO KNOW I LOVE THIS STORY SO MUCH.

(opt.) What, if anything, would you want to see addressed/tied up in the Second Novel (or at any point in the future of this series)?:

I guess thsi is more of a laundry list of things I look forward to in the next sequel as opposed to what needs to be wrapped up here:

- I just talked about it, so Margaretta's stance right now on the expedition after losing so many of her party, including Isadora.

- The journal

- Artemesa's purpose - I feel like all she did was hide until that last fight, and she still lost Cassius.

- Danica's purpose - We've properly met her as a character, and then the novel ended, so I feel like we didn't quite see her as the character she potentially could be in this cast.

- Rowan's magic - to my understanding, they're more skilled in magic than the other children, and yet we see more magic from Ember than we do Rowan.

- Mishal's prophecy - I don't want to forget about this prophecy 'cause there's clearly more to be done to bring this to fruition.

- Alanna's future and how she'll fill in Isadora's shoes

- Ember and Enoch both entering Chromium. I'm just generally excited to see how this turns out since they both will have something to look out for here.

- Cassius' fate, of course! But also how this will relate to their expedition since, I would assume, Margaretta sees this as a threat -- someone is beating her to the punch.

- i totally want more musical healing magic that was just so cool and i want more

Thank you so much for reading, there’s no way I can express how much I appreciate it <3

THANK YOU FOR THIS STORY!! I am just astounded and mightily impressed with what you have here. For an LMS project, there were SO many elements to juggle here. It's such a significant beast of a story, and I just am amazed how well you were able to write this first part out. I really loved your characters, you have so much story to tell, and I desperately want to know how everything comes out in the end. It's such a colorful and enchanting story, and I really hope you continue to work with this story. I absolutely think you have a gem on your hands and would be the first to order it in hardback whenever that day may come.

So thank you for writing this story.

Let me know if you have questions about anything that I've said. Everything I say is simply an opinion, of course, and I'm eager to admit anything I might have missed or forgotten because my memory can be foggy at times, as we both know very well. But anyway, I'm more than willing to discuss anything!

Keep writing! And an incredible job well done.

Jabber, the One and Only!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well as and ending that works tremendously well because I'm currently like gimme the second book now or face the wrath of The Prince of Darkness. And of course we got ourselves a serious low point here...which is...umm...yaa...not my favorite but hey that's also one of two ways to hook people for a sequel so good on ya.

Anyway let's get right to it,

When she pulled away there were tears welling in her eyes, but a grin brightened her whole face. She sniffled, staring up at him like he had given her the greatest present ever.

Rowan approached and gave him a look, concerned. He shook his head and grabbed them before they could examine him anymore, pulling them into a hug. He squeezed them until they laughed breathily and patted his shoulder. “You’ll crack a rib, and I’m not entirely whose it will be.”

Of course you're going to start with that...of course.

“Why didn’t they return here?” Margaretta asked. She stepped away from the fireplace and folded her arms over her chest. “Why did they leave?”

Because you didn't tell them the plan Margaretta...

“Because she wants to see it. Wants to see the great forges there, wants to think about an apprenticeship. She wants protection from those who have been hunting us since the Citadel burned down, if you’ve heard of that yet.” Rowan looked at their hand as though examining a new feature, bored.

Mishal rubbed his face. “You’re being hunted by whom? Why?” He glanced towards Margaretta. “You didn’t mention that. Though, you’ve had trouble apparently mentioning a few things recently.”

Get used to that Mishal...

“Ember’s parents, her adoptive ones, wrote a letter,” Rowan interrupted. “When were you planning on telling us about our trueblood?”

Ohh...the direct hit...gotta say I wasn't expecting that particular twist...

Alanna was rocking on the balls of her feet. She reached up and pulled a necklace off her chest he hadn’t seen and held it up. “Cassius and Em got this for me. I want to show it to her. Em told me to say hi to the two of you, and that she and Cassius miss you two, and also that she wants us all to come back to Chromium.” She beamed up at him. “There is so much that happened.”

He fell back down in the chair and Alanna blinked, jumping with alarm at the weight and suddenness of the motion.

Well that went about as well as it could have gone.

He bit the inside of his cheek and focused on the sharp and bright pain that burned there, the scrap of his teeth against flesh, and the taste of blood on his tongue. “It was really bad, Pika. It was a really bad wound. She…” His eyes, despite his best efforts, stung. “I’m so sorry, Alanna. I’m so sorry. She didn’t… She’s gone.”

*pats Mishal on the shoulder*...no protagonist should ever have that job.

He gently pulled her up from the floor and into his arms. She was still and compliant, and there was a terrible cloud that hung over her that threatened to snap and storm at any moment.

For now, he held her, and did what he could, which was not very much at all.

But he had promised, and he intended to keep it.

Atta boy...

He shivered, even though it was warm, and he was wearing black trousers and a black vest. Alanna, pressed to his side, was also trembling, much worse than him, though she made no sound.

Oh well...we now have our motivation I guess...sort of.

Mishal forced his spine straight and his head up as he looked down upon the cemetery. Standing on his own, leaning against the small temple with blue-green stained-glass windows, Ashael watched the proceedings. Even from up on the wall, his distress was palpable, and his face glistening despite the concealed sunlight. Mishal had invited him up on the wall, but Ashael had declined.

Oh...he exists...umm...poor guy...I guess.

He flinched as, in a circular pattern around the city, each of the towers began to ring out. One, then two, then ten, then twenty bells began to chime through the city, in a slow, rhythmic pattern. And eventually it reached the central tower, the one Jax had told them of. The one Isadora had showed him one night, through one of the windows of Luthera’s mansion. It shone like diamonds as the bell began to ring, heavy and controlled.

Hmm...the meeting to get that to happen would have been very interesting.

But she was right. Isadora loved the sound of the bells, and they were ringing now, and a terrible realisation hit him as he listened to them as they echoed clearly through the city.

Oh she's totally going to hear them...

*opens audio link to the Underworld*

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall it was a pretty good ending. Closes things out nicely....and I loved that last line...it was perfect for the tone that you were ending things on. Also WOHOOO...you finished a novel. *throws confetti*

Hey, thanks for reading Children with Stars in their Veins! If you’re here just to clear this out of the Green Room and haven’t actually read the novel, that’s super cool and I appreciate you, but! if you have read the novel, I’ve got a few questions for you!

Heyy...I think I've read a couple of chapters...so I should be qualified.

What did you like and dislike about the pacing (when did you really feel engaged, what parts felt slow or too fast, etc)?:

Hmm...I think it was decent...maybe the start was a touch slow but considering how many characters are in this making that faster would probably make it worse in the long run...and that split up scene where they choose between Chromium and this place...I feel like that might have run for just a little too long. But for the most part it motored along just about perfectly.

What did you think about the characters (who was/were your favourite/s, were there any you felt didn’t add anything to the story, who was the most and who was the least fleshed out, etc)?:

OKay...I feel like I'm in English Literature right now...hmm...well...Alanna is my favorite...because ya know she's the sweetest.

Umm...fleshing out...I mean the six main characters were pretty darn well fleshed out, I couldn't say who was the most fleshed out...despite there being six they were all easily distinguishable and memorable and yaa about equal at least in my head.

T

here was some critique on the how the beginning was paced/how long it took for the expedition to start (which is 100% understandable). Knowing that Isadora dies at the end and the beginning is the only place I can show her relationship with the other characters, would you still like to see a faster pace at the beginning? (sorry this is a CHUNK of a question):

Full disclosure...I was expecting Isadora to die...because...there are two princesses from there...so one is expendable...and you wouldn't sink low enough to kill little Alanna would you?

But like I said...without that...the large number of characters would probably not be as easy to distinguish if it wasn't for that slower opening.

What was the most memorable scene/chapter?:

Umm...well...do I have to say that....hint: I cried a lot.

If there was anything you would wanted to have gone differently, what would it have been (for me to think about when I go back for draft 2)?:

Don't kill Isadora. Umm...being serious...I would have liked to have a little bit of a POV from Thom and Gillian sorta see the state of that a bit? Dunno if that'll be there in the next book but yaa I feel like that would add something...dunno that's what I think.

(opt.) Is there anything else you want to tell me about Starry Veins?:

I LOVE IT....I think that's about it.

(opt.) What, if anything, would you want to see addressed/tied up in the Second Novel (or at any point in the future of this series)?:

Umm...well I would like to see what all those little peeks at the kingdoms are going to lead to...maybe its cause they were so far apart...but I dunno what that's trying to tell us readers.

Thank you so much for reading, there’s no way I can express how much I appreciate it <3

<33

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry